Friday, May 25, 2012

Our daughter, Wren.

I haven't had my phone out of my site in four weeks.  For the past month I have been expecting the call that held the results of our genetic testing on our baby that we lost.  The call came this afternoon and I honestly knew what my midwife was going to say. I knew it in my heart this whole time.   Our sweet baby was a genetically normal baby girl. 

Though the results of the tests can be summed up in just a few words "normal baby girl" those words have a huge impact on me, Shawn, and our future.

First - we had a daughter!  How cool is that?!   I hate so much that we never got to hold her and tell her face to face how much we love her and how much we wanted her.  I keep thinking about how FREAKING excited Shawn and I would have been at the gender ultrasound.  We would have been bouncing from wall to wall!  That is how we felt when we found out we were having a boy the first time and I know we would have relived that awesomeness on Tuesday, May 1st had our baby lived.  And I totally would have gone on a cute hippie baby clothes shopping spree!!   I wonder what she would have looked like?  Would she have looked like me?  Would she had been like me?  Or not like me at all?  So many questions that will never be answered in this world. 

We named our daughter Wren.  We have been thinking of names for the past several weeks.  I have been focusing on girl names because I just knew our baby was a girl :)  Go Mother's Intuion!  I have been having strong feelings that I wanted to name her after a bird, I am not sure why - but I just felt that it was right.  So we named her Wren.  I personally love wrens - they are saucy little birds that don't realize how tiny they are!

Finding out that she was a normal baby girl has big implications on our future hopes and dreams for a family.  I was honestly hoping that we would find out that our baby had chromosomal abnormalities. If that was the case then there would be a really good chance that we wouldn't experience yet another loss..   But the testing and trying to answer some questions will come later.  For tonight I am just thinking about and mourning for our little girl. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


Today I was told that Fisher was a little genius and that I shouldn't give up on having more little geniuses in the future.  All of that and I went to the library, took Fisher to the park and met Teresa for dinner.  Quite the day!

A month or so ago Fisher's daycare told us that he never talks there.  Ever.  He talks at home sometimes more than others - but he definitely talks at home.   But at daycare, nothing.  One day he said "duck" at daycare and they were so excited.  This was concerning to Shawn and I so we started paying attention and noticed that Fisher didn't talk too much around people other than the two of us.   We decided to take Fisher out of daycare for the summer to save money and to work with him more one on one.  We also had him evaluated by his pediatrician and while the pediatrician didn't think anything was wrong, he said we could get him evaluated by the speech therapist, just to make sure.  We scheduled the speech eval, took Fisher out of daycare and then Fisher had a language explosion.  He started talking more and more and in longer sentences to Shawn and I.  And it seemed that he was becoming more comfortable talking in public and with other people, but that was hard to judge because we took him out of daycare.  I am not sure if the daycare and speech explosion were coincidental or not, but both Shawn and I felt that the class he was in was not a good fit for Fisher and we are both glad that we decided to take him out.

Anyway - prior to the speech explosion we had scheduled Fisher a speech evaluation with a speech therapist.  I wanted to keep the appointment because I wasn't sure if Fisher would talk to the therapist and was curious if she had any ideas on how we could get him more comfortable talking with other people.   So today was the evaluation and Fisher shocked me!  He warmed right up to the speech therapist and talked and talked!!  I was amazed and sat back and watched him sail through all of the tests.  I have never seen him interact with someone other than family like this.  The therapist said that he was a "little genius" and that he was on a 3 and 4 year old level on many things.  She sees no need to do any therapy at this point.  She agrees that the daycare was not a good fit for Fisher and gave us some suggestions on his next daycare.  She also said that if he doesn't talk at his new daycare then we can reevaluate him.

I was proud of Fisher and somewhat surprised that he appeared to not only warm up to the therapist but also show off!  For example she would ask him to give the stuffed penguin one block and he would pick up a block and say "ONE YELLOW BLOCK" and hand the block to the penguin.  I just sat back and laughed.  I actually learned a lot from watching their session and got some great ideas on ways that I can play and engage with Fisher that I haven't thought of.

My follow up appointment for my D&E was today too.  I was dreading it and looking forward to it at the same time.  I was dreading it because emotionally it is hard but looking forward to the possibility of answers.  I did not get any answers unfortunately.  We are still waiting on the chromosome tests of the baby.   Beyond that the midwife told me that she thinks Shawn and I should take time to heal emotionally and for me to heal physically before trying again.  I agree wholeheartedly with that.  I feel like all of the stress of the last year or so has caught up with me and I want a break from as much stress and worry as possible right now.  I want to focus on the three of us right now first and foremost and then maybe in the future we will cross the bridge of trying to get pregnant again.  I explained mine and Shawn's reservations and concerns about trying for a fourth pregnancy when we have two losses.  She understood but said that she didn't want me to give up on my dream for another baby yet.  She said that she recommends me taking a baby aspirin as soon as I get pregnant next time and that if I would prefer I could be referred to a High Risk OB  for a full work up when we decided we were ready to try again.  She said that the High Risk OB wouldn't likely do anything different from what she would do (testing and then recommending aspirin, progesterone, etc) but that it was up to me.  I think I will opt to see the High Risk OB when we get to that point.  Though the thought of getting pregnant is terrifying to me right now, the thought of deciding (or being told to) never get pregnant again is worse, so I am thankful for the gentle push to not give up yet. 

An interesting day to say the least.  I will take it, learn from it, and we will see what the future holds for Shawn, Fisher, and I.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Once a Month Cooking

I tried my hand at Once a Month Cooking for the first time...shew, I am tired!  The kind of tired that making 10 breakfasts, 8 lunches, and 16 dinners will make ya. 

I followed Once a Month Mom's Traditional Menu for May and this is what I made today -




Basically, how the website has it set up is you make a double batch of all the recipes and so you each each recipe twice during the month.  I can handle that.    Also on the website, there are month menus for whole foods, diet foods, gluten free, and vegetarian.  I will probably do the whole food one next month.  However, I chose the traditional food this month because when I looked over the menus I realized we had a lot of the ingredients needed for the traditional food menu, which would save us money.  Bonus!!

Speaking of money - how much did this cost me? 
I printed off the grocery list (another cool thing about the site - you put in how many people you are feeding and it adjusts the grocery lists and menus accordingly!) and went through what we had on hand.  I had several of the ingredients (for example I had a TON of frozen chicken and did not need to buy any chicken) including most of the spices and pantry staples (flour, cornstarch, sugar, etc).   I hit up Aldi first and then went to Walmart for everything I couldn't get there.  I spent about $130 on groceries needed to cook this menu (though I am not sure how much it would cost if I had to buy everything).  Not bad at all!

The night before
I followed the instructions on the Once a Month mom website and we grilled the chicken for the Chicken Fajita soup the night before (we were grilling out anyway).  I baked the potatoes needed for the Black bean and corn stuffed potatoes and threw them and the cooked chicken in the fridge.  I also made sure that all of our meat (chicken, hamburger) was in the fridge to thaw overnight.

The big day
I started cooking at about 11 am.  I cooked all day until 8:30 pm following the step by step instructions on what to do when.  It worked really well!  I took a break mid day for a nap and had several times when I stopped and played with Fisher.  I like cooking but I often feel so rushed cooking when I have a hungry toddler and my own stomach is growling.  So it was actually really nice to spend the whole day in the kitchen and not being rushed.  I did make quite a mess and used a ton of dishes!  I ran our dishwasher twice during the time I was cooking and I also hand washed several things that I needed quickly.  When all was said and done, Shawn came in and cleaned the kitchen up.  He spent probably thirty minutes cleaning. 

I feel accomplished!!  Our deep freeze is half way filled with cooked foods!  I am super excited that I have food for the majority of those nights when I come home from work feeling like blah-I-don't-want-to-cook.  I hope this keeps us away from eating out.  However, one thing I like about this plan is that there are still plenty of nights that we can eat whatever we feel like.  I love grilling out in the summer and of course eating out with friends and family - so I liked that I didn't make 30 dinners and would feel like we needed to stick with the menu and eat them so they wouldn't be wasted. 

  I will let yall know how the food actually tastes - but from my taste tests throughout the day, I think it is going to be pretty good.  I have a feeling Fisher is going to love the Chili Dog casserole (one I am not looking forward to myself) and I can't wait to have the French Toast casserole this weekend!

Friday, May 11, 2012

How are you?

"How are you?"

-Honestly, I feel like I have went through 10 years of emotions in the last two weeks.  I am heartbroken, sad, so sad.  Sometimes I feel a little hopeful that we will get answers and maybe things will be fixable and we will be able to have a baby. But most of the time I feel like I am giving up on adding to my family.  It makes me sad to think that Fisher may not have a brother or a sister because my sisters are so important to me.  It makes me sad to think that I will not have children close in age.  It makes me sad that I don't feel my baby move anymore.  My shrinking belly leaves me feeling empty.  Being back at work is hard.  So much of my job revolves around October- December.  A time when I thought I would be at home with our new baby and now those plans have changed and I have to face that all day, every day at work.  Life is going on, I am going on externally but internally I am a mess. I miss our baby, I have dreams about him or her.  I hate that I don't know if our baby was a boy or girl still.  I have second thoughts on whether I made the right decision to have the D&E because I want to name our baby.  I need to give him or her a name.  I keep my phone close by me at all times because I don't want to miss the call from the doctor's office that might give us that answer.   But I guess I am making it. I am taking it day by day, sometimes hour by hour.-

"I am doing ok I think"

Friday, May 4, 2012

Moving on to Anger

Now I am just pissed off.  I am mad that we lost our baby.  It isn't right or fair.  I know we are good parents. I know we have a lot of love to give and I am just pissed off that we have lost two babies.  I am sad but starting to get angry about it.

And then I ended up in the ER and admitted to the hospital on Wednesday night.  I ended up losing a lot of blood and my hematocrit and hemoglobin dropped like a rock.  I am so upset about this.  I really wanted to avoid losing much blood this time because I learned the hard way with our last miscarriage how hard it was to build back up from blood loss.  I didn't feel up to working out for almost three months after that and I was just getting back to where I was physically when I got pregnant this time.

It is so much harder to deal with the emotional aspects of our loss when I feel so bad physically.  It is hard to differentiate between not wanting to get out of bed because I am anemic and not wanting to get out of bed because I am sad.  I realized that the bleeding was picking up on Tuesday and Wednesday and I realized that I was getting more and more tired.  However, I didn't know if I was feeling worse from the blood loss or from the events of the past 5 days hitting me.  Finally it got to a point where I knew that I needed to get checked out and I am glad I did.    They rehyrdrated me, stopped the bleeding (without more surgery! That is a positive), and got me high as a kite.  I had never had dilaudid before.  And I definitely never had dilaudid with percocet and ibuprofren. Let's just say that forest animals kept me company during the night and I didn't want to go to sleep because I was rather enjoying their visit.  The next day I was rather sleep deprived but thankfully stable.  So after proving to the hospital staff that I could walk around without passing out they let me come home with meds to keep the bleeding down, strict advice to take it super easy, and they
told me that if I lost any more blood then I need to get back to the hospital quickly for a blood transfusion. I was right on the line of needing a transfusion or not and since I seemed to tolerate the low H&H ok (I wasn't passed out in bed, I was getting up to go the bathroom and stuff) they decided not to do the transfusion and let my body naturally build it back up.  I am usually all for the natural side of things - but I know from experience that the build up is a long, slow process.  Grrrrrrrr.

So thanks to my awesome friends I have a list of natural remedies to help my body heal and recover.  I am heading to the health food store shortly with a list of
1. Kombucha
2. Chlorophyll
3. Floradix
4. Nettle Tea
5.  Rose Hips Tea

I am willing to try anything to help me feel better.  I know even under the best circumstances it can take time, but hopefully some of these things will speed things along just a little. 

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Thank you

 I originally posted our loss on facebook because it seemed the easiest way to tell as many people as possible at once.  I wanted to get it over with, let everyone know because at the time I was thinking I could tell people and then go to my hole and be alone.   I actually thought before I posted that I wish there was a way I could disable comments because I just wanted everyone to know and the be done with it. 

And then the messages and comments started coming.  The texts and the phone calls.   And my gosh, the email messages.  If you or your loved ones have never had a loss consider yourself very, very lucky.  So many women (and a few guys!) sent messages and wanted me to know that they have been there.  I had people contact me that have had losses at 6 weeks, 16 weeks, 36 weeks, even after birth.  These women are so awe inspiring and I see their strength and draw upon it.  So many people have said they don't know what to say, but just wanted to let me know that they were thinking about us.  That is so nice.   These last few days have been so, so hard.  Even harder than the last loss - there are so many unanswered questions and if you know me, not having answers is my kryptonite.  But I have really been able to lean on the kind words, the thoughts, the prayers, and just the kindness.

There have been two emails that had parts that really meant a lot to me and I have went back and reread them a few times - the first was from a friend who lost a baby at 36 weeks. She said "The best way to mother that baby is to be the best mother you can to it's big brother and wife to it's dad." I love that because I can DO that. It is something that I can physically act on.

The other comment that really resonated with me was from a great mama and friend. She said simply "I really don't know what you are going through, and I don't really have words to express how I feel. So I'll just say I wish you weren't going through it, and I won't ever forget your baby." That means so much to me.

I am trying to respond to each comment or message or text but I am afraid some might slip through the cracks (you know how you read something on your phone and then can't find it later on facebook on your computer) but I assure you I have read every single comment, message, and text and each one has kind of built a bridge that helped get me through the last few days.  Thank you. 

Boy or Girl?

Today is a hard, hard day.  Probably the hardest on me emotionally so far.  I expected it though.  Back in January we scheduled our gender ultrasound for May 1st at noon.  Since then I have been so excited about May 1st and felt like it was never, ever going to get here.  I had "Big Day" written on my calender and have looked at that entry daily for the past four months with excitement.

Today is the day and it obviously hasn't gone like I had hoped.  Our plans were for Shawn, Fisher, and I to go to the ultrasound - find out if we were having a boy or a girl and then going to lunch together to celebrate.  Then I was going to take  Fisher and Shawn home for Fisher's nap time and then I was going to go shopping to celebrate our newest addition and was so looking forward to having some "alone" time with our new baby buying a few things for him or her.   I had not bought anything for the baby this pregnancy and even though I have been tempted a few times, I was making myself wait until May 1st. 

From the time my eyes opened this morning I have been very sad and can't help but watch the clock and think what I had expected we would have been doing at each moment.  And then on top of that the doc's office told me yesterday that they would be calling me today or tomorrow to give us the results of the chromosome studies.  I am nervous about that.  I don't expect to get answers from the chromosome studies, but I do expect to find out if our baby was a boy or a girl.  So it feels like cruel irony that we might find out the gender of our baby today afterall.