tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22911944543719437082024-03-13T22:41:04.898-04:00Living the WildlifeWhere mom, wife, and wildlife biologist meet.Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.comBlogger134125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-53191992376429176882017-07-03T09:29:00.002-04:002017-07-03T09:33:12.432-04:00KiwiCo Crates Review<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
<div class="separator" style="border-image: none; clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQg9x1H-lYsB-ywMa70VGI4ePSmj19ykHBc1fvAo9gkMPKUaDEZtSmYTHrwVZrLzZolOO0_1WeVbgm88ChMbi6Q3HPhyphenhyphenj-CCdRULV5wEJx9BP09EnCnxhBvPz02k214uLw8qAm_LwZailE/s1600/IMG_1893.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQg9x1H-lYsB-ywMa70VGI4ePSmj19ykHBc1fvAo9gkMPKUaDEZtSmYTHrwVZrLzZolOO0_1WeVbgm88ChMbi6Q3HPhyphenhyphenj-CCdRULV5wEJx9BP09EnCnxhBvPz02k214uLw8qAm_LwZailE/s200/IMG_1893.JPG" width="150" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkixgDlwsEzpbi9E3E6bAaU79e3tdYBnPDRqOTFhAbJVHGVrKB2TaCoFM1sJmsAoth2Ac8Tedabv8yBCHae9UTlRbTUH0-hXUgoN4orgTT9olCYQTY7zugYQSL2GAtIwKSERCMzFYXMqya/s1600/IMG_1892.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkixgDlwsEzpbi9E3E6bAaU79e3tdYBnPDRqOTFhAbJVHGVrKB2TaCoFM1sJmsAoth2Ac8Tedabv8yBCHae9UTlRbTUH0-hXUgoN4orgTT9olCYQTY7zugYQSL2GAtIwKSERCMzFYXMqya/s200/IMG_1892.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
Fisher and Willow love doing crafts, STEM projects, and building things but between working full time, getting the kids to therapy and doctors appointments, Cub Scouts, swimming lessons, and on and on I don't often have the time or want to put the effort in to perusing Pinterest, getting to the craft and home improvement stores for supplies to attempt a project that is likely to either fail or we realize that we forgot something and need to make a store run in mid project to finish. </div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<br />
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a>I have seen the advertisements for Tinker Crates on Facebook and decided to try it out by getting each kid a crate. I love that they age appropriate crates for each of my kid's ages. So that way they felt like they each got something special. I ordered Fisher (7 years old) the Kiwi Crate and Willow (3 year olds) the Koala Crate. I placed the order last week and both crates were delivered together 5 days after I purchased them. It worked out perfectly that they came on a Saturday that I felt like crap and didn't feel like doing our normal pool, park, run off energy activities. </div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
</div>
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfpIzmZ6Xh5ko6z_JkqO7GeqMEOAGThxXnCVKWv1hzwIDwy22tHI0bbNVeM4448mYTVmWF-frZBVm7NZK0TkFFNviiuZERkbC3okwwDQHsLar4O-8NhlwU6MCDJ9l_p5ct4tRh3E9Ezny6/s1600/IMG_1901.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfpIzmZ6Xh5ko6z_JkqO7GeqMEOAGThxXnCVKWv1hzwIDwy22tHI0bbNVeM4448mYTVmWF-frZBVm7NZK0TkFFNviiuZERkbC3okwwDQHsLar4O-8NhlwU6MCDJ9l_p5ct4tRh3E9Ezny6/s320/IMG_1901.JPG" width="240" /></a>Fisher's crate was themed "Arcade" and when he read that on the box he got very excited to dig in. He created his own arcade game - first he put together a wooden claw/grabber thingy. It had a lot of pieces but I was glad to see that there was VERY clear directions on what to do and plenty of good illustrations. I helped him just a little bit - but for the most part he did it all himself. The quality of the wooden claw is actually really good and he is quite proud of his creation. He has been running around all weekend getting things with his grabber! Next he made Pom-poms out of yarn. Again everything he needed was included in the crate including little tools to make it simple. Also included was a little magazine type book with things for Fisher to read, color, and ideas for more fun. This was the perfect combo of "tinkering/building" and crafts for Fisher. </div>
</div>
</div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="border-image: none; clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="border-image: none; clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dx4RUmM-jmiXBOl4o7qbYTUIk1t2A82FSlN12uioZxTwNpe3roREfPCbU-nZ9xbQJCy3YR_w8qxLFF4hz-tFQ' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a>Willow's crate was themed "rainbows" and included three crafts for her. She made a stain-glass type window, an adorable rainbow pillow, and a tote bag that has rainbows. Again there was very simple to follow directions and was a perfect crate of activities for a three year old. She LOVED it and was very engaged and excited to show off her work.</div>
</div>
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="border-image: none; clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmvg0-d4IMuOpd6kRxaO-qoX8PAhCMg0Blpv39mcoQj6EdK-cf8mRBSYjXBHIj5TaohGZdoQjJaH3jy1W5XunqlIYjFqn6YpzoYrL2CSFkXwuQUj2JntyCJfKnTGAZ-3bpl5yNRTJCqJh8/s1600/IMG_1926.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmvg0-d4IMuOpd6kRxaO-qoX8PAhCMg0Blpv39mcoQj6EdK-cf8mRBSYjXBHIj5TaohGZdoQjJaH3jy1W5XunqlIYjFqn6YpzoYrL2CSFkXwuQUj2JntyCJfKnTGAZ-3bpl5yNRTJCqJh8/s320/IMG_1926.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
We all really enjoyed the crates - the two kids because they were age appropriate, fun, engaging projects. I loved it because it came with EVERYTHING we needed. So no searching through my house for anything or running to the store to grab a pipe cleaner. Realistically this is the type of craft I can handle right now in my life. </div>
</div>
</div>
<br />
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
Both kids are excited to get their next crates. We chose to pay by the month to try it out - and they are $20/month and that includes shipping. I would like to change it to a longer subscription which makes it a little cheaper if I have extra money laying around (Ha!).</div>
</div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a>I actually just ordered my two nieces each a crate for their birthday. My niece Delaney is turning 6 so I ordered her a Kiwi Crate and my Niece Emerson just turned 11 so I ordered her the Doodle Crate which focuses on art and design. I am looking forward to seeing what they make with their crates!</div>
</div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<div style="border-image: none;">
If you want to try your own crate ----I mean your kids...if you KIDS would like to try a crate use my <a href="https://www.kiwico.com/Refer?i=ErinP159" target="_blank">referral link and get $10 off your first crate</a>. So you can get a crate sent to your house for $10!</div>
</div>
<br />Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-16718294784279201372017-06-26T15:25:00.002-04:002017-06-26T15:25:32.096-04:00Copays, copays, copaysSome days are hard. Today is one of those days. I took F to a new physical therapist today for a new evaluation. He has been in PT before but it is time again. His endurance is low and it really effects his life. He can't walk more than 10 or 15 minutes without experiencing pain and needing a break. His core, hip, and leg muscles are weak and he is the master compensator so he uses other smaller muscles to compensate to get him from point A to point B. It gets the job done but those muscles tire out quickly and then he starts having pain in his legs and feet. We experience the world by walking for a bit and then he sits down to rest for a few minutes, we walk a little longer, and then he sits downs again. We usually get there eventually. It is his norm. He doesn't complain or expect to be the first to anything. Though it makes me sad to see him sitting down waiting for the pain to subside while watching other kids play, it doesn't seem to bother him too much. Regardless I and his doctors agree that it is time to work on the endurance and see if the weak muscles can be strengthened. <br />
Today was the PT eval by a new PT which always makes me a little nervous. You never know what you are going to get. Luckily I really liked the PT and I think he has a good treatment plan. He would like to see F three times/week for a month and have us do work at home each day for the month and then reevaluate. I love the idea of "hitting it hard" and can't wait to see what happens. Timing is good because F is out of school right now so we can really focus on his physical therapy. He said that F functions exceptionally well for having as many weaknesses in as many muscles as he does. And honestly that made me proud because we have worked SO HARD to keep F active when he would rather avoid many activities. We take him swimming, go Pokémon hunting with Pokémon Go to encourage him to walk, jump on the trampoline, he rides his bike, we take him to parks to play, etc. It is part of our daily lives to find an activity that he enjoys and encourage him to be active. I know for a fact without our encouragement and dedication to him being active he would be in a much worse physical position.<br />
But unfortunately my excitement about the gains he could make in the next month was quickly tempered by the realization of how many expensive it is. Three copays a week. On top of the copays we already pay for doctors appointments and prescriptions. And oh yeah - F SHOULD be in both Occupational Therapy and Speech Therapy right now but we are taking a much needed sanity break from those. And double OH YEAH - W recently had a speech evaluation and the speech therapist recommended SHE start speech therapy once a week. If we had both kids in the therapy they have been recommended plus take F to the other appointments he has it will cost us $280 a week with "good" insurance. Insurance that I feel obligated to say I am so thankful for because I know that many people don't have the insurance I have. And the thought of that terrifies me. But at the same time it angers me that we are in the position we are in. We planned, budgeted, and saved before having kids. We had set aside an emergency fund for unforeseen medical bills. That emergency fund was a drop in the bucket of the ongoing flow of bills. Medical "emergencies" don't usually drag out for eight years I guess. So today is a hard day. I know we do a lot and my God I know we have seen so much improvement over the years. I couldn't be more proud of F. But it is hard because I feel like money is keeping us back from providing him all the therapy he needs because we aren't talking about short term therapy. We expect speech therapy to be needed for many years and his physiatrist thinks he will need physical therapy every time he grows significantly. I just hate that I worry about the cost of everything because I feel that isn't fair to him at all. So I sit here worried about the juggle. I worry about the years to come. And heaven forbid - what if I die? We get insurance through my work. I seriously worry about what my family would do for insurance if I were to die or couldn't work anymore. I have considered looking into other states and wondered if F could qualify for assistance in other states. I would leave the area I love if it meant my family had better health coverage. I have fantasized about moving to another country where healthcare is a right. I seriously can't imagine my life without the constant worry of medical bills. What the hell would I worry about? Would I worry about my hair getting gray? My children not knowing a second language? GMOs? <br />
Back to reality where I am not concerned about GMOs or my hair going gray. We will get through this round. We will scrimp, juggle, and carry on. We will see F improve and be so proud of him and know that it is all worth it. We will hope that when he is a parent he won't have the same struggles we have. <br />
<br /><br />
<br />Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-48905523154746971002017-03-23T11:29:00.002-04:002017-03-23T11:36:44.761-04:00Appalachian Trail Fever<div style="border-image: none;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="border-image: none; clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirOqk4Agpal5Ofpx7r1R513rasgX6GzqNIhCdOVouvUWMSHmq7y0eJZyyWHbyuwTfOo-acYzjk1IsYorR-0hZ6qpmSwgHBhnSzOwPZrmjWnEx-fnIQRwsJt8pgbYa7cE4fMxd-h80rj50V/s1600/IMG_0841.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="136" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirOqk4Agpal5Ofpx7r1R513rasgX6GzqNIhCdOVouvUWMSHmq7y0eJZyyWHbyuwTfOo-acYzjk1IsYorR-0hZ6qpmSwgHBhnSzOwPZrmjWnEx-fnIQRwsJt8pgbYa7cE4fMxd-h80rj50V/s640/IMG_0841.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
</div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
</div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU4QC37XiLS9RtEI3iIGKJGc3bWEWWeD3Q0HG2o2mu2SrTdpL5mLxsF66HNuIxibbLvejzpPMoq6BlOYszyL_hl-hPdjxa8Rc-AGM1mQAcwnnS6HBo9F5RAwKA8YlVM-Y0RAMRGrrZBtOH/s1600/IMG_0840.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU4QC37XiLS9RtEI3iIGKJGc3bWEWWeD3Q0HG2o2mu2SrTdpL5mLxsF66HNuIxibbLvejzpPMoq6BlOYszyL_hl-hPdjxa8Rc-AGM1mQAcwnnS6HBo9F5RAwKA8YlVM-Y0RAMRGrrZBtOH/s200/IMG_0840.JPG" width="200" /></a>It started simply. My friend Crystal asked if I wanted to go backpacking with her in the Smokies to Icewater Springs Shelter on the Appalachian Trail (AT). She has been working on section hiking the AT for years and it only took that one relatively short overnighter for me to catch the fever. There is something so fascinating and almost magical about the AT. In our day and age of high speed connectivity, jets that can transport us to the other side of the planet in hours, access to trains and automobiles to get us from point A to B with very little effort; the AT stirs something primal in me. There is a unique feeling knowing that you are on a footpath that goes for 2,190 miles. You can literally walk one foot in front of the other from Georgia to Maine if you put in the effort and time. It is far from an easy walk in the park but the hard work and reward are all part of the appeal. </div>
<div class="separator" style="border-image: none; clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9L_Edv7PsydiedCSulFXqLvwkA34-AZKcbtqbUY4-49suF-3sPIRqWW8onM_SABioebPOmk3zCJ5mAF8_ttk8PkfmggFis6wcqohwtUZ9ENqVcxA9BpnwPLYwA6YrMwesfiV5wLW1L04D/s1600/IMG_0843.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9L_Edv7PsydiedCSulFXqLvwkA34-AZKcbtqbUY4-49suF-3sPIRqWW8onM_SABioebPOmk3zCJ5mAF8_ttk8PkfmggFis6wcqohwtUZ9ENqVcxA9BpnwPLYwA6YrMwesfiV5wLW1L04D/s320/IMG_0843.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
And the beauty - the trees, the birds, the sunrises, the sunsets, the mountain streams, the salamanders, the bears, the rocky outcroppings, and the vistas that remind you how small we are and how vast our gorgeous earth is. All of this coupled with the physical effort of hiking up and down mountains puts my body and mind into a peaceful state that I just can't achieve in my everyday life. Or maybe it is the fact while hiking I am not being pulled in a million directions, answering to the never ending "Mom! Mom! Mom!" I don't feel the weight of the dishes, the piled up laundry, the spelling words that need to be practiced, the work data that needs to be entered, the presentation that I have coming up that I haven't looked at yet, and the constant juggle of therapy and medical bills and the aging cars. While hiking up mountains carrying everything I need to live on my back I feel lighter and FREE. I smile a lot. I listen to the birds singing and feel the cool mountain breezes on my sweaty arms. I feel blood pumping through my body and I reminded of how damn good it is to be alive and be LIVING. </div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
Since I caught that fever back in August 2015 I have tried to "sneak" in as many hikes on the AT as possible. It is very difficult to add anything to the already bursting at the seams life of parenting two young kids and working a full time crazy, traveling job. But if I have learned anything the last few years as a working parent it is "WE CAN DO HARD THINGS." I typically get my fix with a hike and I feel content and happy for a bit. But then the fever starts building and I find myself dreaming of being back on the trail. I start thinking through scenarios of where and when I can get my next fix. I start asking my friends when they might be free for a hike. I start getting my AT guidebook out at night and looking at potential sections I could hike in a day, two days, three weeks, three months. And then when the stars align and I get something scheduled the excitement really builds. I then start planning the shuttle, the mileage I hope to get each day, the landmarks along the way, the elevation gains and losses. </div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-image: none;">
Crystal and I are heading out in a few days for our next section. We are going to climb the two highest peaks in Virginia, Whitetop Mountain (5080 ft) and Mt. Rogers (5,729 ft). We have our shuttle scheduled and I have been calculating the mileage and eying the elevation gain with nervous anticipation. I am working on prehydrating my body and eating good healthy proteins so I feel as good as possible. When you are miles from the nearest road or even cell phone signal you want to be in the best physical condition you can be! I can't wait to be out there even though I know I will have moments of "why the hell did I think this was a good idea?" But I also know that the moments of freedom, peace, solitude, beauty, and accomplishment will outweigh the frustration. The mountains are calling and I cant' wait to go! </div>
<div class="separator" style="border-image: none; clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwhx5DcMIw5WWl4J5PEOh_H_pjflcQEUtbAHwSI1DumFNaAaOIhQIASqlQ3ASd9GOBvWB1K8sYafx-FyMLa-adi_GnYdyMvDoWbcJTCmLSZxxHsuW81T4VhMqR2dY386r4MeKulyIaQd7W/s1600/IMG_0844.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwhx5DcMIw5WWl4J5PEOh_H_pjflcQEUtbAHwSI1DumFNaAaOIhQIASqlQ3ASd9GOBvWB1K8sYafx-FyMLa-adi_GnYdyMvDoWbcJTCmLSZxxHsuW81T4VhMqR2dY386r4MeKulyIaQd7W/s320/IMG_0844.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-44049264732557591892016-09-13T08:27:00.001-04:002016-09-13T08:27:06.805-04:00I love the person I've become<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwxPLscdQ3CAjn57cVP0jshSs0nGfpjOBqIheeVQQnA1mXBc8sq6BAbVETwluuu0Winym1LTDbRy6sE1YkL8bKgjBLg4nQwOr4rkWtW1uFshAoa8yI2XB_mbx5dh5npniwf1vWZe0iigHh/s1600/fought.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwxPLscdQ3CAjn57cVP0jshSs0nGfpjOBqIheeVQQnA1mXBc8sq6BAbVETwluuu0Winym1LTDbRy6sE1YkL8bKgjBLg4nQwOr4rkWtW1uFshAoa8yI2XB_mbx5dh5npniwf1vWZe0iigHh/s320/fought.jpg" width="319" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
I had a fantastic realization today. I am ok. I am more than ok. I am happy, I am strong, I am FIERCE, I am powerful, I am loved, I am love, I am enough. I am so much more than I ever thought possible seven years ago when I gave birth to my son and he was injured. I was broken because I thought I broke him. I had a hard, hard start to my life as a parent. But now, seven years later from his "labor day" (he was born the next day but I labored all day Sept 13, 2009) I can look back and see that day changed the trajectory of my life. And on this day seven years out I can see that trajectory change is powerful and absolutely meant to be. I could write a book on how my life changed from that one day in so many ways but what I am excited about is that today on his labor day anniversary I can see the good, the positive, the AMAZING things we have instead of being sad and angry. Time passing helps I am sure but I am not willing to give time the credit on this one. I am proud of the work I have put in to heal inside and out. It would have been much easier to wallow in anger, in frustration, and sadness but I don't want that for my life or for my family's life. Of course I have moments of anger, frustration, and sadness. I have "freak outs" at times when I am triggered by something that throws my into a tailspin of emotions and I probably always will. But I have learned to get through those moments, to feel those feelings, to acknowledge them, to lean on my supportive friends and family in the hard moments, and those moments pass. I refuse to let the hard times win. The bad moments are there - absolutely yes - but so are the good moments. The laughter, the holy-crap-I-can't-believe-this moments, the gains, the hugs, the "I love yous", they are all there and I am so thankful. So today instead of being sad on this anniversary of his labor day - I am happy. I am happy of where he is. He has worked so hard and I am so proud of him. I feel blessed to have so many people in my life that were the right people at the right time to support me. I am ok and I do love this person I've become and I know how hard I fought to become her. And I am happy. Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-90559718057491478202015-10-07T16:24:00.002-04:002015-10-07T16:57:24.636-04:00World Cerebral Palsy Day 2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjviCkCvrM-vh8ypwlhFPNXWVKAIgvf1qxafLO_Fv3d5unatzfdyNDKn7TCOvhP4_HCwbEzJ9qR6caAdn9i6rKag_7wYYrYkkMKw3ahZPEJNw0B14HpC5FNlMJxNuxSJst5jCXRrCgRUMg5/s1600/WCPD15_Logo_USA_Low-Res.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjviCkCvrM-vh8ypwlhFPNXWVKAIgvf1qxafLO_Fv3d5unatzfdyNDKn7TCOvhP4_HCwbEzJ9qR6caAdn9i6rKag_7wYYrYkkMKw3ahZPEJNw0B14HpC5FNlMJxNuxSJst5jCXRrCgRUMg5/s320/WCPD15_Logo_USA_Low-Res.png" width="320" /></a></div>
It has been about a month and a half since we saw the neurologist and received the CP diagnosis. So this is my first "official" World CP Day as a CP mom. I am still going through the pendulum of emotions that come from having the diagnosis. In hindsight I see so many areas and activities where Fisher was compensating and adapting. At times I feel angry and guilty that we didn't realize that sooner. I noticed his differences but I thought since he technically met his milestones that those differences didn't matter. I remember my nieces doing that adorable little "toddler squat" and making comments on how toddlers can drop so low and just hang out down there forever. I remember looking forward to Fisher doing that because I thought it was so cute! He never did it. In hindsight I see how his balance has been a struggle all along and for whatever reason there are many positions he doesn't want to or can't get in to. Willow adorably does the toddler squat now but I can't help but be sad that Fisher never did it- and not doing so was a red flag. In hindsight there were several other similar things that we laughed off or just simply didn't realize meant anything. <br />
<br />
<br />
I also think about his future with CP. Right now Fisher doesn't really understand his differences or compare himself to others very often. As I mentioned above he is masterful at compensating for his weaknesses and has realized his limits all along and he intuitively avoids activities and situations where he isn't comfortable. I love his innocence and I worry for the day that those limitations bother him. I dread the day that kids make fun of him for what he can't do or for what he does differently. It makes me sad to think about Willow learning to ride a bike before her older brother does. Or when Willow wants to go backpacking with me and Fisher has the desire but not the ability. I can't help but think through these scenarios and it breaks my heart. I try really hard to not project my feelings, frustrations, and sadness on him but inside I think about these things often. I remind myself that only Fisher can define what CP is to him and he gets to decide how he feels about it as he grows older. If riding a bike is not something that is important to him then I am not going to project my feelings of sadness that we can't go ride bikes together on him. I was looking at the World CP map the other day and he came up to me and asked me what I was doing. I explained that he was on the map and that he has Cerebral Palsy and that was the reason he goes to therapy so much. I told him that the map shows people all over the world with CP. He looked at the map and said "Wow, mom there are a lot of people like me". It warmed my heart. <br />
<br />
Later that evening Shawn and Fisher were watching TV and a commercial came on about a medication for Bipolar disorder. Fisher told Shawn "Hey - that is what I have!". Shawn was confused and asked him what he meant. Fisher said that I had showed him a map of all the people with Bipolar like him. We got a good laugh out of that and explained again to him that he has CP. He doesn't realize it is World CP Day but I do and I too and thankful to see the map and know we are in great company. So Happy World Cerebral Palsy Day! The theme for the day is "We are here." Although I am out of town for work and not physically with my son today I am proud to support him and others like him on World CP Day. We are here supporting, encouraging, and advocating for our son so that he gets to define what CP is to him. We are here loving an amazing boy and our lives are so blessed by him. We are here with our son and always will be!<br />
<br />
<!--3--><!--3--><!--3--><br />Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-17215160213416595312015-08-29T20:15:00.001-04:002015-08-29T22:11:44.891-04:00Finally some answers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Two years ago at Fisher's four year well visit I had concerns about his speech and was planning on asking for another referral for a speech evaluation. He had been evaluated at three years old by two different speech therapists and both had said he was on the low end of normal and that didn't warrant therapy at that time. But the pediatrician started asking other questions:</div>
<br />
"Can he pedal a bike or a tricycle?"<br />
"Well no...I think he could he just never seems interested in getting on a bike and trying. I guess I should push it more. I am sure he could if he wanted."<br />
"Can he button clothes?"<br />
"No - but he doesn't really like clothes with buttons. I think if he wore jeans routinely he could learn to button them. And we are a tshirt type of family so we don't really have a lot of button up shirts."<br />
"Can he draw shapes? Does he like to color?"<br />
" No - he has no interest in drawing or coloring. I know we have to work on it to get him prepared for school but he is just 4 we have time."<br />
And on and on.<br />
<br />
We left that day with a scheduled evaluation for Occupational Therapy and for Speech Therapy. From those we found out he had significant delays in fine and gross motor skills, sensory processing disorder, and speech impairments. Many friends and family shared experiences of their kids and how fast they improved with therapy. With a little therapy things were "fixed" and no one could tell the kid ever had delays or problems. We dutifully took our son to therapy each week expecting that therapy magic. It didn't happen. We followed up with his pediatrician and new concerns came to light. And that started the round robin of specialists and testing. So many specialists. So many tests. Some were normal. Most were not. It seemed like each time we tried to chase down one answer five more questions popped up. Every time we ruled out one potential diagnosis, we were referred to yet another specialist to rule out a new and different one. This went on for two long years. The list of Fisher's challenges continued to grow but we had no diagnosis and no real answer to what was going on and what to expect in the future. <a href="http://erinmcpatrick.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-gray-area.html" target="_blank">This is such a cruel, hard place for any parent to be</a>. The importance of early intervention is stressed so often - but if you don't know what "it" is you are working with - how do you intervene, how do you help? And with so many different problems what direction do you focus? Where is the best place to spend limited time and money? We spent so many hours wondering, worrying, assuming, researching, questioning, and waiting. God the waiting. I came to expect the week before the "big" appointments to be hard emotionally. And I began to prepare for the freak out I inevitably had after a doctor or therapist told me about the newest problem or they simply told me that they didn't have answers. We began to hear over and over again from the specialists and therapists that he was all over the place and didn't fit any common diagnosis. I grew so tired of hearing that. According to many of the professionals his problems were either caused by an unusual genetic syndrome or the trauma he suffered at birth. Some would speculate on which side of that fence they were leaning, some would not. In my mom heart I always felt his problems were somehow related to the trauma he suffered from birth, but in my scientific mind I understood that I am far from objective on that topic. <br />
<br />
It became obvious that if we were ever going to get answers they were going to come from Genetics or from Neurology. I tried to prepare myself for the real possibility that we may never have answers or a diagnosis. And for me - that is a incredibly hard pill to swallow. I am a data driven, researchaholic. I draw strength and a feeling of control from numbers and statistics and without any answers and nothing to research I feel lost and vulnerable.<br />
It takes a long time to get into many children's specialists and it also take a long time to get genetic results back. As we were awaiting the results of his genetic testing I thought about the impact those results could have for his future and Willow's too. After a seven month wait the day finally arrived to meet with Vanderbilt Neurology, but I was concerned that the pending genetic results would keep the neurologist from giving us a diagnosis or direction. So imagine my surprise when the neurologist started our conversation by stating "I see that all of his genetic tests came back normal so that is great news." Hold.the.phone. I made her repeat it. That is huge! And amazing! All the things that I was trying not to worry about rushed into my mind - this means that he doesn't have a syndrome with a young mortality expectation. This means that he doesn't have some obscure disease where he will stop developing at 6 years old. I felt elated! <br />
Knowing that pertinent information allowed us to get down to business with neurology. We know that several of his issues are a result of his brain not functioning correctly but what is it that is driving these differences? Ultimately, the neurologist diagnosed him with apraxia and mild cerebral palsy. She said it was too much of a coincidence to have suffered the trauma he suffered at birth and to have the problems he has. And then she explained to me that the "good" thing about cerebral palsy is that it is what it is. Meaning today is as bad as it was yesterday and tomorrow it will be no worse...or better. What she said matched up with the physiatrist we saw a few weeks ago - Fisher's body has been trying to compensate from the trauma to his brain since he was born and it has been actually remarkable in doing so. But he has reached the limits of those compensations and that is why we see the delays we see now. She said he needs the trifecta of physical, occupational, and speech therapies to try to learn new ways to compensate. He will likely always have physical limitations, with therapy he hopefully can learn to do most anything with accommodations. She said that if he had plans of being a professional athlete he might be disappointed. Good thing he wants to be a scientist! <br />
So we finally have "it". We have a diagnosis and a plan. I know it won't be easy but it isn't different from what we were already doing (he has already been doing all three types of therapies she suggests). We have a better understanding of what his limitations might be and how we can help him overcome and accommodate for them. We have a LOT to be thankful for and are taking comfort in the positives. <br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoMIDbPYlMsIBwDrKJgHiBJSUrRbxA-gZhNuBfIOlmAJh6lcD7L5aVvdVY7BMAcqxnAS9OU7y44V1D2T7hew2F5YQ5DTi5Ma6q040Uil8dETYo9clWvoMK_2OAu6cB2tXynGDyeTNFsXLD/s1600/IMG_1253.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoMIDbPYlMsIBwDrKJgHiBJSUrRbxA-gZhNuBfIOlmAJh6lcD7L5aVvdVY7BMAcqxnAS9OU7y44V1D2T7hew2F5YQ5DTi5Ma6q040Uil8dETYo9clWvoMK_2OAu6cB2tXynGDyeTNFsXLD/s320/IMG_1253.JPG" width="320" /></a>And honestly - I knew it. My intuition has been telling me all along so I am not shocked or surprised at the diagnosis. I am more aggravated that it took so long to reach this point. I would have been much more shocked, surprised and caught off guard had he been diagnosed with a genetic disorder. <br />
<br />
<br />
One of my sisters gave me this sign and it has been my mantra the last
few months. It has reminded me that someway, somehow the search for answers would eventually end. I am pretty excited we are at the end of that search and we get to move on to making everything ok.<br />
<br />
So on to the next chapter. The chapter where we can advocate for him and help him be the best Fisher he can be. We get to love him, encourage him, and be amazed by him just like we always have been. He gets to talk too loud about Skylanders for hours, declare nerf gun wars on us, and negotiate his way into getting what he wants just like always. With wild man as the main character there is no telling how this chapter will end - but it is sure to be an exciting ride!<br />
<br />Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-35370443116781137742014-12-31T12:35:00.001-05:002014-12-31T12:43:57.848-05:00Thanks 2014!Last year as I heard people chatting about their New Years Resolutions for 2014 I had a unspoken dialogue running through my head. "All I want in 2014 is for Willow to be here and be healthy". I am not anti resolutions. I actually like how as a new year approaches we often take time to reflect on successes and failures and make a game plan on how we can make changes to improve our lives for the coming year. But last year I was in my third trimester of what I was sure was my last pregnancy and all I could think of how amazing the year would be if we had a healthy baby. All of the typical New Years plans and resolutions paled in comparison to my biggest goal of 2014. <br />
So thanks 2014! Thanks for being the year where I met my sweet Willow earthside. On my terms. In a healthy way for both of us and in a healing way for me. When I hear 2014, I will always flash to THE moment. The "I did it" moment when I grabbed that pink, sweet, healthy baby and wouldn't let anyone take her from me (not that anyone tried to take her from me). The last 9.5 months of 2014 we have had such a great time getting to know this little girl that stole our hearts long before we met her. Now the running dialogue in my head when she laughs, when her and big brother are playing, when she gives that special smile to her daddy is "joy, I am so thankful." <br />
Of course 2014 wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. It was also the year we identified (and are still identifying) challenges Fisher faces. That is completely overwhelming to me and in so many ways I have been trudging from appointment to appointment lost as to what to do next. Questioning which way to turn, where to focus. It was a year of frustration and confusion intermixed with pride and achievements. <br />
Though it seems to a backburner to the family life - we also bought a new house and moved in 2014. I am very thankful for the new house and love having the roots planted for our family again.<br />
All that being said - since I am not gestating a baby on this New Years Eve I have actually pondered some on what I hope to do better in 2015. My goal for 2015 is to live intentionally. I am going to work on being present in the moment and not get so tied up in the day to day craziness. I want to make more time to connect with Shawn, put away technology more often and simply breathe, laugh, and be with my family and friends. <br />
Goodbye 2014 - I am thankful for the great times and memories from this year, it has definitely been a memorable one. I hope we can learn from the hard and difficult times. I can't wait to see what 2015 holds for us!<br />
<br />Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-23328369484696043352014-10-06T19:26:00.003-04:002014-10-06T19:34:02.569-04:00The gray areaI struggle with how much to share publicly about my son's delays and issues. It isn't because I am ashamed or embarrassed because if you know me you know that I am fiercely proud of my son. It is because part of me wants to protect his privacy. I am happy to talk about his therapies and issues in person but I hesitate to make a digital imprint of his struggles and triumphs because they are his and his story to tell. And also because we don't know exactly "what" we are dealing with. There are so many questions. It seems as we round the curve on one question, another one pops up.<br />
<br />
<br />
Sometimes I feel like I am bursting at the seams because I think about it so much but talk about it so little. I analyze his progress, his regressions, and wonder what we should be doing differently. I try to set up my work week so I can be as involved in his therapies as possible. When we are not at work, preschool, or therapy I am trying to figure out ways to work on his therapies at home. Ways to hit all the areas where he needs work in our limited time together. Or trying to figure out which activities or tools would get the most bang for our buck.<br />
<br />
<br />
This week we may get some answers to his delays. Or we may not. And I am not sure what is the better hand to be dealt. He is having an MRI of his brain done on Wednesday. I can't help but think about it nonstop. Will this lead to answers? Do we want to know the answers? Will I be disappointed if it doesn't lead to a better understanding of what is going on? Because that means we have to keep searching and wondering. I am stuck in this gray area of wanting answers but being afraid of them. And in many ways - not having answers is scarier to me. <br />
<br />
<br />
Regardless of the outcome of the MRI I am really dreading the actual procedure. Fisher will be sedated and he has a very hard time with anesthesia. This is just sedation and not anesthesia so I am hopeful it won't be as bad - but I am dreading it. He is very scared of needles and the last time we had to have blood drawn was awful. So please - send good thoughts and prayers to my sweet little guy. I can't help but think he doesn't deserve to have to deal with all this. It isn't fair. But we all now that life is not fair. So maybe throw a prayer in there for his mom too - I know she could use it. <br />
<br />Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-9107913391330970032014-04-27T16:35:00.002-04:002014-04-27T16:39:41.043-04:00Because of her.Two years. Two years have passed since we <a href="http://erinmcpatrick.blogspot.com/2012/04/i-cant-believe-it.html" target="_blank">found out our Wren had died</a>. She was our "rainbow baby" after our f<a href="http://erinmcpatrick.blogspot.com/2011/09/heartbreaking-loss.html" target="_blank">irst 11 week loss</a>. She was the baby that was going to prove the first horrible loss was a fluke. Sure I was scared when I was pregnant with her - but when we got past the 11 week mark and we had several great appointments and ultrasounds, I started to believe she was ok. She would be the daughter that completed our family. She wasn't. Two years ago I found out at a routine 16 week appointment that she had passed away and my life really did change. The first loss was awful - the second loss was almost debilitating. I felt so connected with her during those weeks I carried her. And when I found out that she had died, my entire soul was ripped open raw and exposed. I hated myself, I hated my body. This was no fluke. My body was broken, evil even.<br />
And I missed her. God I missed her so much. I still do. Two years later I miss her. I have a beautiful, awesome, healthy baby that my body <a href="http://erinmcpatrick.blogspot.com/2014/03/willows-birth-story.html" target="_blank">did grow, nurture, and birth safely</a>. This is my first loss anniversary since giving birth to sweet Willow. But I realize it doesn't mean I don't miss my Wren any less. She has been a part of me for 2.5 years now and 2 of those years I have been missing her.<br />
So today I remember Wren. Though life has continued, she was and always will be a important part of my life. Because of her I went through a high risk OB workup and identified some issues that were treated during my next pregnancy. Because of her I did not take one day for granted while pregnant with Willow. Because of her I notice wrens everywhere and I love it every single time. Because of her I am confident we are finished having children, I feel like we tempted fate to have Willow and I can't do it again. Because of her my heart is sad today. Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-75288061773767329472014-04-12T15:19:00.000-04:002014-04-12T15:39:35.781-04:00100% Family History of CesareanThe maternal side of my family has quite the history of cesarean births. Eleven to be exact. My grandmother had three, my mother had three, my aunt had two, my older sister had two, and I have had one. That is every single birth that we have had on the maternal side of my family for the past 80 years. 100%. We blow the often discussed 1 in 3 babies are born by surgical birth out of the water. And many of them started naturally - without induction. The reasons for the cesareans in my family are varied but several of them involved premature rupture of membranes, pitocin because of that, and then a ceserean due to failure to progress. I realized this when I was pregnant with my son 5 years ago and I hoped
maybe I could break the family tradition of births by cesarean. I was really hoping to have a natural birth and knew that avoiding an induction I would decrease my chances of a cesarean birth. Given my family history - I guess I shouldn't be too surprised how things turned out. Premature rupture of membranes early in labor, pitocin, and then eventual c-section. However, upon the c-section it was realized my son was brow presentation which is why I wasn't able to deliver him vaginally.<br />
<br />
Thankfully I didn't dwell on the family history. I actually didn't even think about it again until after the recent birth of my daughter. While pregnant with her I worked my butt off to have a VBAC and just focused on doing what I could do to make that happen. I found good providers, an<a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Knoxville-Doula/129578620422640" target="_blank"> excellent doula,</a> I saw a chiropractor to encourage a good presentation during labor, I ate well, I trained for her birth using Hypnobabies, I didn't sit in a recliner because I was afraid I would mess up her presentation, and on and on. And you know what? I did it. I had an amazing, <a href="http://erinmcpatrick.blogspot.com/2014/03/willows-birth-story.html" target="_blank">empowering, all natural VBAC</a>. The first visitors to the hospital were two of my aunts and they reminded me of the fact that I was literally the first person in our family to have a vaginal birth. The first! That is crazy when you really think about it! But at least now our family percentage of cesarean births went from 100% to 92%. :)<br />
<br />
So ladies -if you have a long (or complete, 100%) history of cesarean births in your family and you hope to have a different type of birth - please have some hope. Though we may be similar genetically or physically to our family members - how they birth does not mean that is how we will. Though it might seem genetics or family history would suggest otherwise -
my body knew exactly what to do. It absolutely roared to life bringing
my daughter into the world and my body did it. The entire thing - no premature rupture of membranes, no pitocin needed to "speed things along", and no failure to progress. Ina May was right of course - my body really is not a lemon. And you know what? Neither is yours. Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-37148387183825360782014-03-12T15:35:00.001-04:002014-04-12T15:19:43.638-04:00Willow's Birth Story <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizHUZDWZbUINaYNLrhiUpsxGxGLY424DC7ECV_3atRggRPDLeAFEhuaO_08NJmW-PWyQAwQ3X4UdTudQvdPJhFhvUyk806jDZWsWUw0KCqefO2Ed8yKIAsHob-ABRlKFm2p0hXD8J8oUo1/s1600/Willow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizHUZDWZbUINaYNLrhiUpsxGxGLY424DC7ECV_3atRggRPDLeAFEhuaO_08NJmW-PWyQAwQ3X4UdTudQvdPJhFhvUyk806jDZWsWUw0KCqefO2Ed8yKIAsHob-ABRlKFm2p0hXD8J8oUo1/s1600/Willow.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo credit - </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/hollystewartphotography" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Holly Stewart Photography</span></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Willow's birth story actually started 4.5 years ago with her big brother Fisher's birth. He survived and I survived but we both suffered from his birth and unfortunately he still deals with the injuries sustained (he was undiagnosed brow presentation - and Pitocin and vacuum which are contraindicated for brow were used. He was injured badly, spent 5 days in the NICU, and has had 5 surgeries to repair damage and will have more in the future). I knew then and I learned more over the years that what happened not only didn't have to happen but it shouldn't have happened. I knew with every cell in my body that a woman should never feel helpless, thrown into a "system", ignored, and lied to. I learned about amazing, empowering midwives and OBs who worked with moms towards the end goal of healthy mom and healthy baby inside and out. That was my goal for Willow's birth. I wanted to trust my providers and be a person - not a number. And definitely not end up with an injured baby.<br />
<br />
I am a *little* of a control freak - I had carefully planned for and prepared for my pregnancy and spontaneous labor (ironic, eh?). I prepared for it for hours on end by doing the Hypnobabies Homestudy Course. I trained my brain to see pregnancy and childbirth as normal, healthy, and safe. I worked through many fears and anxieties from my son's birth and two late miscarriages in a variety of ways. I searched the area and interviewed providers, I talked to mamas about their providers and experiences with them and with their hospitals. I decided on <a href="http://stmarysbirth.net/" target="_blank">St Marys Birth and Midwifery Center</a> - which has three amazing certified nurse midwives and the medical director is Dr. Brabson, whom is known around our area as the "male midwife." When you know, you know. In addition to acknowledging our trauma from our son's birth and handling our heartbreaking losses with care and compassion, they also are very natural birth friendly and are supportive of mom's wishes in pregnancy and labor. They have great VBAC success rates and I have heard story after story of moms coming away from all different types of births (CS, VBAC, RCS, etc) feeling empowered through my work with <a href="https://www.facebook.com/icanofknoxville" target="_blank">ICAN of Knoxville. </a><br />
<br />
I was approaching the end of pregnancy and knew things were progressing nicely (yep, I suck at declining cervical checks!). I had a bulging bag of waters, 4 cm dilated, and was 70% effaced and was told that my water would probably break early in labor. This was something I was worried about because it happened with my son's birth and any possible parallels between their births gave me anxiety. I worked through those fears and was grateful for the "heads up" from my MW so I could prepare for this scenario. I was prepared for my water to break early in labor, I would go to the hospital (GBS +), and then we would get things going there through nipple stimulation, walking, etc. I would use my Hypnobabies tools to relax and use the birth tub when things picked up. So I spent the last week or two of my pregnancy expecting my water to break every time I stood up. Because I knew labor was close I gathered all the info of which midwife was on call when and when Dr. Brabson was out of town. I hoped to not need an OB - but IF one was needed it was VERY VERY important to me to have Dr. B be there. After Fisher's horrible experience with an oncall OB, I was terrified of having a random oncall OB. I found out that Dr. B would be in town Friday - Wednesday (March 7-12th) and I would be 39 weeks - so I decided that I would have my baby (spontaneously of course) during that time so that he would be available if I needed him. End of story. That was my plan. Apparently not Willow's. <br />
<br />
On Wednesday, March 5th (38 weeks, 6 dayish) I felt different. I was extra tired, extra grumpy, and just a little off. I started noticing very light cramping that afternoon. It came and went, but was so light, I was sure it was nothing. About 7 pm I started timing them to "practice using my app" and they were coming regularly 12 - 14 minutes apart. I thought they would die out when I went to sleep that night. Contractions continued regularly all night, but I could easily ignore them and my water hadn't broke - so OBVIOULSY it meant nothing and my body was prepping for labor which would happen between Friday and Wednesday as planned. At 10 pm I timed more contractions and they were 9ish minutes apart and still so light. I sent my doula, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Knoxville-Doula/129578620422640" target="_blank">Kimberly</a>, a message and asked her at what point she wanted to know if there was a chance I was in labor. We talked about what was going on, I explained that I am sure it was prodromal labor but just wanted to touch base. She told me to try to sleep and just let her know if things continue.<br />
<br />
I went to sleep listening to a Hypnobabies track and woke up about an hour later and realized that not only were the contractions still there, they were stronger, and definitely closer together. I timed a few and they were 5- 6ish minutes apart lasting a minute or so. I was sooooo confused. They didn't hurt and I just didn't see how they could be real labor contractions. But at the same time I knew that if they were real I needed to get the post partum doula, Natalie Walz, (she was lined up to provide sibling support while we were at the hospital) on her way. However, I didn't want to be that person that thinks they are in labor, calls in the forces, goes to the hospital, to only find out they weren't in labor. My husband, Shawn, is a teacher and has limited days off. He is asking me what is going on and if he should call into work the next day. I tell him it is probably nothing, but I was going to call Kimberly just in case. Kimberly suggested I jump in the shower and let her know if things picked up. This was about 12:30 - I sent my mom a message over facebook and told her that I was contracting and was sure things would stop tonight, but asked her to plan on coming to our house the next day (she lives 5 hours away) so she would be there the next night if things picked back up . So I took Kimberly's advice and jumped in the shower completely and totally expecting that would stop this "pre labor" and I would go to bed.<br />
<br />
Um...how have I been a birth nut for years now and somehow missed the memo that showering would speed up things if it was real labor????? I got in the shower expecting it to relax me enough to stop these pesky contractions and get to sleep. However, they picked up intensity and frequency. I was just so confused - what was happening??? So I decide I would get out of the shower and just go to bed. <br />
<br />
I got out of the shower and lay down and could not ignore the contractions anymore. I allowed myself to think that maybe I am starting the beginning of a long labor. I call Kimberly back at about 1:30 am and told her that my contractions were then 3-4 minutes apart and getting stronger. I still was confused but I "guessed I should call Natalie to watch Fisher, just in case". Kimberly said she was going to come over and would sleep on the couch if things stopped. This confused me more because it wasn't really our plan for her to come here first, I figured we would meet at the hospital. I woke Shawn up and got him up to speed, I texted Natalie at 1:40 am and started getting things ready to go to the hospital. Within 30 minutes things got REAL. Major contractions coming close together. I started thinking "Holy crap, if I am going to have to deal with this for 24 hours I maybe should have went with a repeat cesarean" At 2:15 am I sent my lovely doula two texts....verbatim "I want the motherfucking birth tub" and then right after that "fuck". In my labor land - I did want the birth tub. But I thought it would get the point across to her that hey, I am actually in LABOR. This is not prodromal labor. <br />
<br />
Kimberly immediately called and said we should meet at the hospital. I tell her that Natalie should be there any minute but we couldn't leave until she got there. And then I went on about my business...of denying labor as much as possible. The contractions were ROUGH. I tried sitting on my birth ball, laying on my side on the couch, and sitting on the toilet. Nothing took the edge off. I just stood and braced a wall and tried to relax and let it pass. I tried to throw on my hypnobabies "Easy first stage" of labor tracks. HA HA HA HA. That is just hilarious (I think Hypnobabies is AWESOME and I will explain how I know it helped me -but if you are planning to use Hypnobabies as intended in labor....don't be a labor denier, ok? I warned you). So I dealt with contractions and between the contractions I was as calm as can be. Walking around in lala land trying to figure out what needed to be done. I got Fisher's clothes ready for the next day, got a few things together for the hospital, etc - all while contracting MAJORLY every 2ish minutes. Natalie shows up and comes in. I am talking with her between contractions and she says "wow, your contractions are pretty close together aren't they?" Natalie has had two natural births and the last one she showed up in very late labor to the birth center...so in my labor land it hit me "Hey, Natalie says they are close together, this really must be the real deal". <br />
<br />
Kimberly arrives within a few minutes of Natalie. Bless Kimberly. You know you hire doulas for different reasons - one of which I didn't realize (and maybe it isn't that common) was to help get your labor denying ass to the hospital before baby is born. Kimberly comes in and starts directing me and Shawn to the car. She grabs our bags, she helped me put my shoes on. All the while I am contracting heavily and saying "It doesn't hurt at all between contractions" and I was really calm and pretty chill between contractions. I told Kimberly that contractions were making me nauseous and how I was shaking during contractions. Not upset by it all - just wanted to let it be known. I was kind of amazed by the whole thing. Kimberly tells Shawn she will follow us in her car (she told me after the fact so she could call 911 should I have had the baby on the way) and we go to St Marys. The car ride was horrible. Transition in the car not high on my lists of things I want to repeat. I told Shawn "I want the birth tub or an epidural. I don't care" He starts questioning me about the epidural saying that he thought I didn't want one. I of course didn't care at the moment what I had said 2 minutes ago much less before labor. <br />
<br />
We get to the hospital and by that point I want to sleep between contractions. I was so tired! We go up to L&D and are taken to triage. The triage nurse was less than impressed at my state of showing up so late in labor. She asked me if I wanted to use the restroom before I was checked and I did. I had a big contraction in the bathroom - I think I needed that just a bit of alone time to kind of reset for the hospital. I go get checked and was at 8 cm. I said "I need the birth tub". The nurse said there was no time for a birth tub. I said "I need an epidural then". The nurse said "probably no time for that either". Now I did hear the probably. But what I needed to hear was "no time for that". So I went with it. And I thought "Oh well, I tried - Let's do this" I wasn't upset at all about it, I just needed to hear that we were that far along and knew I could do it.<br />
<br />
Right after I was checked and told 8 cm I was getting up to move to a labor and delivery room. I stood up and had a massive contraction and said "I HAVE TO PUSH". Oh the triage nurse...she was ALMOST rid of us. But not so fast. She told me to sit down on the bed then (I guess she was afraid Willow was going to come tumbling out) and then said "well, push, we might as well get this over with". Um. Ok. Might as well get the birth of my daughter over with. That is one way to put it. So I kind of half ass push until my MW, Manola, shows up a few minutes later. She was such a calm, peaceful presence in labor. She checked me and confirmed I was complete and then gently guided me through pushing. Y'all. Pushing hurt. It hurt bad. I had heard so many people say it was a relief after transition. Not what I experienced. But my team was awesome in encouraging me, reminding me to push past the pain, to use the contractions to help, and rest in between. Pushing seemed to last forever but it was a really calm experience over all. I would push and pretty much pass out between contractions to rest up for the next one. I kept up with my "I feel great between contractions" talk. Because I did. There was no pain between contractions. Being a VBAC I know that can be a sign of uterine problems. So I think I was subconsciously reassuring myself. And Hypnobabies talks a lot about how you are so calm and comfortable between contractions and feel so good. I did feel good and I expected it. That was really neat I think - and I think it is where Hypnobabies helped me the most during labor. Pushing sucked. It hurt. But I was able to quickly calm myself between contractions and rest a bit. I don't remember really dreading the next contraction. I dreaded the pain and I got very tired but I don't remember fighting contractions and tensing up too much during the pushing part.<br />
<br />
So I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. For what seemed liked forever. After the lightening fast labor I was surprised how long pushing took. My team kept me going. Manola would have me change positions every few contractions and I was so tired and at times I didn't want to move - but I really trusted her and pressed on. Reminder, this is all happening in TRIAGE. I didn't have the awesome labor beds that move in different positions for pushing - it was me and a triage bed! I would push semi reclined, I would push standing, I would push squatting, I would push on all fours - all in triage. It was a tiny space with a total of three beds but we made it work. They were telling me I was making progress. Ironically enough I could tell I was making progress because someone was always holding an external monitor to my stomach and they kept having to move it down. Willow handled everything amazing. There was not one second of fear of how she was handling contractions. I got so tired and I did start doubting myself. I pushed for two hours with Fisher and after about an hour of a half of pushing with Willow I started having thoughts creeping in of "my god, it is going to happen again." I am going to push for 2 hours and end up with a C-section. But I kept on. And my husband. My poor husband who witnessed the trauma to both me and Fisher first hand 4.5 years ago and of course experienced the trauma himself. My husband really kept me going this time. He wanted this as much or me than I did...and he wanted it for me. He saw how broken I was and I knew he was terrified at seeing that again. He started getting SO excited when he could see progress and it would make me work that much harder. And be that much more determined. So when Manola, Kimberly, and him were telling me how great I was doing and how I was moving her down - it was his voice that stood out like a beacon. And he said several times between contractions "Erin, this is so different from last time." "I can't believe how different this is". It was different - I KNEW it would be. There was never a doubt in my head that however Willow was born it was going to be awesome and empowering and special. But hearing that from him when I was so tired and getting discouraged was priceless. <br />
<br />
Ok, back to pushing. Even with the amazing support I was tired. I was getting discouraged though I just kept on. Really - what else can you do? Then the ray of light walked in the door....Dr. Brabson. What?? I thought he was out of town! And here we go - confession time again. When he walked in the door I was of course happy to see him because he is great and I trust him so much ..but my first thought was "THANK GOD HE CAN USE A VACUUM OR FORCEPS OR SOMETHING". Yeah I did. But I never said it out loud :) He checked me and said Willow was in great position and that I was close and was going to do it. And just like when I was "denied" the epidural - I thought "Well, hell. I guess let's do this" It was all me.<br />
<br />
So now Dr. B joined in on the encouragement and I pushed more, moved positions, and kept going. Finally it was close to the end - at that point I was pushing semi reclined while holding my own legs. It was an effective position for me. They suggested having Shawn and the nurse help hold my legs up between contractions so we wouldn't lose any progression. The next to last contraction before she came out - I pushed hard wanting to be done. Things felt different that contraction and for the first and only time I felt horrible pain between contractions. It scared me so badly I felt panic setting in. My brain went to uterus rupture - I didn't say it out loud but I thought it. But I reminded myself that I was safe, Willow was fine, and that if something was wrong I was in a good place. Kimberly recognized my fear (many benefits to having a doula experienced in VBAC but this second right here it was priceless) and she calmly explained that Willow was right about to come out so it was going to feel different. It was supposed to. And that is what I needed to hear to center myself again and take a second to refocus and then realize that I WANTED THAT BABY OUT AND IN MY ARMS more than I had wanted anything in the world. <br />
<br />
The next push she was born into the world at 5:20 am. She got a little stuck after her head came out - super calmly they reclined the back of my bed, pushed my legs up more and for the only time my team was pretty adamant about me continuing to push and push hard (at the time I thought they knew how exhausted I was and were just trying to help me be done). And then they laid her on my stomach. I can't even explain how much that moment means to me. It is all I ever wanted - this was the moment that I had dreamed about for years. I have said over and over again - the most traumatic thing to me about my son's birth was the separation after he was born. Not knowing if he was alive but knowing that wherever he was, whatever was being done to him - he NEEDED me and I wasn't there. I was immediately handed Willow alive and healthy. She was placed on my stomach because she was still connected to her cord and I hadn't birthed the placenta yet. I couldn't believe it. I took her and just talked and talked and talked. I talked to Willow and Shawn and everyone else and no one else. I told her I couldn't believe she was here and I couldn't be we actually did it. I said over and over again "She is here and she is healthy, I can't believe it" Time truly stood still - I just don't know how else to explain it. It was perfect and I have climbed mountains to get to that moment physically and emotionally and it was worth every step along the way. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkv2JeA6sXBzMII0YYjIoWA5Egg2iJOllO9DmgQFus3t2CeixNrLI01uQcwzad9FglaLYfOkQDD3hEQh5VwhzApJ1A1-HFQwUdbxdBs6OdwXaN68pwDFpCtrmX8eOHdOpum2c7A8UheSW_/s1600/did+it.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkv2JeA6sXBzMII0YYjIoWA5Egg2iJOllO9DmgQFus3t2CeixNrLI01uQcwzad9FglaLYfOkQDD3hEQh5VwhzApJ1A1-HFQwUdbxdBs6OdwXaN68pwDFpCtrmX8eOHdOpum2c7A8UheSW_/s1600/did+it.jpg" height="320" width="234" /></a>While Shawn and I were admiring our sweet little daughter - I birthed her placenta, had a minor tear repair (which I thought was kind of funny - Manola apologized that there was going to be a little stick from a needle. Um...I just gave birth to a baby naturally, I am not afraid of a needle prick!), and apparently a pretty decent post partum hemorrhage. Yet another reason I chose the right providers - I am a bleeder and I honestly expected a PP hemorrhage. They handled it calmly and all the while I was in la la land holding my baby girl. After they fixed me up - the MW, OB, and nurses all left. They never took Willow away from us and then left us in the room for some private time to get to know each other. Kimberly took pictures of us and helped me get her nursing. And then she left too. And for the next 3 or 4 hours Shawn, Willow, and I just hung out together. Shawn and I started texting and calling people to let them know that while they were sleeping Willow was born. We snuggled her and talked about how amazing she was - we tried to figure out who she looked like and guessed how much she weighed compared to our son (we didn't have her weighed or measured until 4 or so hours after she was born) . And we talked about how amazing her birth was. We were still in triage. Finally after four hours we decided we were ready to get to a room so I could get cleaned up. We then handed her off for the first time for weight and measurements. She was 8 lbs 4 oz and 22 inches long and perfect from head to toe. <br />
<br />
As I said earlier, Willow's birth story started years ago with her big brother's story. Her birth story will never change his. His was not fair to him, Shawn, or me- but it is our story and I have always felt that if one family in the world "had" to go through Fisher's birth and all that has followed - I feel weirdly blessed to be chosen. Because we have and will continue doing everything in our power to help Fisher in every way we can. We will continue fighting for him and also to encourage and empower women to realize they do have a choice and a voice in their pregnancy care. Though I knew it inherently before Fisher and also before Willow was born - I have experienced it now. We matter - mamas, daddies, and babies - we all matter and our experiences matter. I refused to believe otherwise and I have reaped the best reward I can imagine. I gave birth to my healthy daughter powerfully and peacefully and I walk away from it in awe of her and myself. I can't think of a better way to begin a new life. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggv4WOmRAZgPgUbx5l9u3fka9rcb9rWT9sZGx9X1_LRxvGMc0jkyzS2FGlXkIYlgKhuuhhdLQ3pxvAQVlnN6n4xCII_4V4U95Bv8zVYS1MU0dbv30MtssC9grnyQ3LtLrkGvlnIlAeUmhj/s1600/Willow2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggv4WOmRAZgPgUbx5l9u3fka9rcb9rWT9sZGx9X1_LRxvGMc0jkyzS2FGlXkIYlgKhuuhhdLQ3pxvAQVlnN6n4xCII_4V4U95Bv8zVYS1MU0dbv30MtssC9grnyQ3LtLrkGvlnIlAeUmhj/s1600/Willow2.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo credit - </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/hollystewartphotography" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Holly Stewart Photography</span></a></div>
Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-46252367549585443402013-11-27T21:15:00.000-05:002013-11-27T21:15:45.639-05:00Pregnancy after lossMan it has been a long time. Sometimes I feel like it has been so long, I shouldn't even update my blog now but tonight I want to write some stuff out. For me.<br />
<br />
I guess the big news is, I am pregnant with a baby girl, Willow. After two late losses, pregnancy is different. It isn't a whole lot of fun and I was pretty much a walking disaster for the first 17 weeks (we lost Wren at 16 weeks). I convinced myself time and time again that this pregnancy was over. It wasn't pretty and I am thankful that I have some good friends who understand and have helped me through the worst of it. At 17 weeks we found out our baby was a boy...for 2 hours! It was pretty funny - I had an appointment with the high risk OB at 10 am for an ultrasound. They saw what they thought was a penis and told us it was a boy. I thought the angle was weird, but whatever. They are the experts. Shawn and I went to lunch to celebrate Sawyer. We called and texted friends and family close to us. After lunch I had a second appointment with my regular OB. When I walked in they asked if we found out what we were having and I said "boy, but it was a weird angle, I am not 100% convinced". They offered to do a free look to make sure and I took them up on it. Laying on the table the technician was looking around and I said "If I didn't know better, I would think that is a girl" and she agreed. She said that it looked all girl to her. I laughed so hard. I found it hilarious that Shawn wasn't there with me for the "big reveal" even though we were together that morning when we thought we found out the sex. I was so excited to call and tell Shawn the new news :) We ended up getting a 3rd opinion just to make sure - and yes, she is all girl!<br />
<br />
After we found out she was a girl and seemingly healthy we started telling people. Every.single.time. I tell someone I am pregnant I get scared. After two times of excitingly telling people you are pregnant only to end up with a broken heart - it is just so very different. It is different for you and for the people you are telling. You can see the worry and the hesitation in their eyes. You can hear it on their voice. I know they love me and they don't want to see me hurt again. It is just so very different. I was hoping that by telling people and talking about it more "it" would seem more real. I have been so guarded and scared to get too excited. It doesn't make sense unless you have walked a similar path, but it is the way I have dealt. And it really is slowly starting to feel real. I am now 25 weeks pregnant. Willow moves a lot and has had many good updates from the doctors. Fisher talks about her a lot, which again at first was scary to me. I am getting more comfortable with that too. The first time I overheard him telling a group of kids about his little sister Willow I melted. <br />
<br />
15 weeks to go! So hopefully lots of exciting things going on over the next few months and then even better things after that! I am of course planning a VBAC and look forward to an empowered birth - I am sure there will be more on that shortly. Lots of emotions to deal with while dealing with pregnancy hormones so I am sure I will have more to blog about!<br />
<br />
Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-74908229654633968332013-04-27T15:46:00.003-04:002013-04-27T15:46:46.686-04:00AnniversariesI have been a loss mama for a year and a half now - and one thing I have learned from my own experiences and from my interactions with other loss mamas is that loss anniversaries are hard. It is a frequent topic on loss communities - how to deal with the emotions that surround the day, ideas on ways you can honor you baby, etc. It is very comforting to have a safe place to express your feelings on a day that is forever etched in your mind - but probably not many other people's mind. <br />
<br />
The thing about anniversaries - is that you don't know how you are going to be. Are you going to cry nonstop and not want to get out of bed? Are you going to want to continue on your life - business as usual? And what happens one year doesn't mean that is how you are going to feel the next year or the year after that. <br />
<br />
This is my first anniversary of Wren's death. "One year ago" has been the theme of this week. So far I haven't thought too much about the actual time we found out she died -but more the happiness and excitement we were feeling a year ago about the addition to our family. I remember feeling that I was past the point of too much worry with my pregnancy. I remember feeling safe. I remember happily going to the midwife appointment that Friday afternoon and realizing it was the first time in my pregnancy that I was super anxious and scared about something going wrong. And then I subconsciously try to stop myself from remembering the next few days and weeks. Those experiences and feelings are still so very raw. <br />
<br />
All week long I have been a little afraid of my feelings. So much of my life is spent trying to be in control of my feelings and to "keep calm and carry on." It can be scary to allow the thoughts and feelings to wash through me. So I knew that I needed some time alone to be with my thoughts and feel the emotions that bubbled under the calm surface. My natural inclination was to get outside and surround myself with the environment I feel the most grounded and calm. Yesterday I took the day off work and went hiking and birding. It was wonderful. Even though I spend a lot of time outside - I so rarely have time alone outside where I am not focused on a task for work. I meandered around the woods and took my time listening to the gorgeous soundtrack provided by the birds, the wind, and the trees. I watched birds through my binoculars that I normally wouldn't have spent too much time on because they are "common". And then I sat for quite a while and soaked up the gorgeous spring sun. I allowed myself to think thoughts that came in my mind - but for the most part I just enjoyed my surroundings more than I have in years. I thought some of the past year or two - or really the past 3.5 since I have had Fisher and the struggles we have been through. But in that environment I felt grateful. It hit me that I have learned so much over the last few years and I am grateful. Obviously I wish the events would have happened differently but I am grateful for the compassion I have been given and also the compassion that I have learned. For those moments in the sun I felt gratitude towards my two babies that I have lost and for the lessons they taught me. I really do feel that they have made me a better person and they have allowed me to see the good in so many other people as well.
<br />
<br />
I decided during my time out in the woods that I will make this my anniversary tradition - birding and hiking. It feels right and in such a busy life it is so nice to have the time to slow down and be. Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-63104642832160642592013-03-10T10:28:00.000-04:002013-03-10T10:28:44.387-04:00Panda's make Panda PuffsAt 3.5 years old several times a day Fisher says something that makes me laugh and I think "I want to remember that!" And then we get busy and I don't write it down.<br />
Being that it is a weekend morning, Shawn is out of town, and we are eating breakfast while watching Aquabats - I am taking a few minutes to document one :)<br />
<br />
Fisher is very much into "Where does that come from?". Which is kind of neat! At the grocery store he says "Cows make milk", "apples come from apple trees", etc. He asks Shawn and I nonstop where we get things around the house. "Mom, where did you get that shampooo?" "Mom, where did did you get this necklace?". And being that Shawn has a super hero collection - Fisher is VERY interested in those. A few times a day Fisher says "I want to talk to Daddy about Super Heros" and much of that includes discussions of where they come from. (Which coincidentally is a great time for Shawn to explain that he works, saves his money, and then buys them).<br />
<br />
I usually make a good, full breakfast on weekends - bacon, eggs, the like. This morning Shawn is out of town and I am feeling lazy (Time change!) so I gave Fisher the option of eating Panda Puffs. He doesn't eat cereal often at all - probably just had it a handful of times and he was very interested in this opportunity. He asked me a few questions about the cereal and decided that it was suitable for his Sunday am palate. I brought him the bowl and he looked up at me and said "Mom, Panda's make Panda Puffs" very matter of fact. It made me giggle and a little at a loss. I find it fascinating that at this age he is trying to figure it all out and make the world make sense to him. And it is yet another reason to not eat processed food - it is too hard to explain where it comes from. ha ha. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKXEryLMnboLbb-ICZ_7PFz0Nz3pr5d2s-T3-c7bS6C8VR6wqfJEfpWjtuZpBSEgdvhsXp8unwdknjvS2gxuHlfdG3eT4FYzJwZXKL0uVjh8Qh_mbSNsDKKv_1WoTX-j3CWW3H6ktwF8iB/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKXEryLMnboLbb-ICZ_7PFz0Nz3pr5d2s-T3-c7bS6C8VR6wqfJEfpWjtuZpBSEgdvhsXp8unwdknjvS2gxuHlfdG3eT4FYzJwZXKL0uVjh8Qh_mbSNsDKKv_1WoTX-j3CWW3H6ktwF8iB/s320/photo.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-31430474043985508792012-12-31T19:52:00.000-05:002012-12-31T19:52:17.235-05:00Reflections - 2012 editionAs I see and hear everyone talking about the highs and lows of 2012 I often find myself melancholy and sad about what 2012 was and what it wasn't. I had some great events and memories from 2012 and for those I am thankful - but one event that casts a shadow over so much is the loss of our Wren. <a href="http://erinmcpatrick.blogspot.com/2011/12/good-ridance-2012.html" target="_blank">This time last year</a> I was cautiously optimistic that our <a href="http://erinmcpatrick.blogspot.com/2011/09/heartbreaking-loss.html" target="_blank">first loss</a> had been a single, awful incident. Though I was obviously heartbroken I still felt that next time things would be different and I really expected to be holding and loving on our baby on the eve of 2013. And when we got pregnant last January and things <a href="http://erinmcpatrick.blogspot.com/2012/04/so-much-to-say.html" target="_blank">appeared to be going well</a>, we got past the first trimester, I told work, etc, etc, etc I REALLY thought we had made it and we were going to welcome a baby during 2012. Of course <a href="http://erinmcpatrick.blogspot.com/2012/04/i-cant-believe-it.html" target="_blank">that was not meant to be</a>. So as I reflect on 2012 I think a lot about the loss of my innocence and naivety. I have definitely grown in compassion and understanding but the costs of that growth was high. <br />
<br />
I am normally an optimist and I would love to think about the coming year with blind optimism but if 2012 has taught me anything it is to not assume or take for granted. I am almost afraid to put high hopes on 2013 right now - so right now as I look to the coming year my hope is to live in the moment and enjoy and be thankful for the blessings I am given. Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-13135696886893187022012-12-24T14:10:00.001-05:002012-12-24T14:10:18.242-05:00Is it Christmas Yet?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/281780_10152350400625650_547303565_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/281780_10152350400625650_547303565_n.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
I want to bottle up all the excitement, fun, laughter, and love from this Christmas season so I will never forget it. From making Christmas cookies, to an awesome visit with Santa, to driving around and looking at Christmas lights at every opportunity - I know that this Christmas will be one that I cherish and remember fondly. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p206x206/528210_10152346680750650_2111142434_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p206x206/528210_10152346680750650_2111142434_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
I am so thankful to have these experiences with Shawn and Fisher. We have had a rough year in so many ways and I love that we are ending it on a high note! Losing Wren brought so much sadness but it has also made me really appreciate the "little things" so much more. I have really lived in the moment this Christmas season more than ever before and for that I am thankful. I don't think I will ever forget Fisher asking to go to bed at 2 pm on Christmas Eve so Santa can come. Or him running around screaming "Happy Christmas!" and then singing Jingle Bells very off key. While I will always miss our little girl I am thankful for the lessons and the perspective she taught me this year. I am off to spend the rest of the day with an excited three year old and cherishing every time he asks me "Is it Christmas yet?"<br />
<br />
Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-17632949864743717872012-12-18T14:21:00.003-05:002012-12-18T14:25:52.457-05:00Heavy HeartThe nation is mourning. The events of last Friday were unimaginable until they happened. And now we are left trying to wrap our heads and process these horrific acts. We put ourselves in the shoes of the victims, the parents, and the teachers knowing that while we feel pain, we can't really imagine what they are going through.<br />
<br />
And then I found out about another unimaginable event that happened this weekend. A mama died after having her first child. I don't know this mom but my heart aches for her. It aches for her family, her daughter, her husband. I do know many of her coworkers and friends. My heart aches for them. Again, I am putting myself in each of their shoes, but I can't really imagine what they are going through. <br />
<br />
With a heavy heart we go on. And in the case of the Connecticut shootings - the outpouring of love and compassion is memorable and beautiful. The shooter was filled with hate and anger but that is not what persists. His hate and anger brought an unimaginable amount of love and compassion to that town and those families. Does it replace what they lost? No way. But hopefully it will help the healing begin and will eventually bring some peace to those affected. <br />
<br />
With a heavy heart I was reminded by a friend that <a href="http://www.rememberthemothers.org/" target="_blank">Ina May has another square on her quilt</a>. Ina May has a Safe Motherhood Quilt with a square devoted to each woman who has died from pregnancy-related causes since 1982. Again - the love and compassion for this woman, her family, and her friends is memorable and beautiful. I am thankful to live in a community that loves each other and holds each other in unimaginably painful times. <br />
<br />
<br />Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-82202927937974168832012-11-17T22:21:00.001-05:002012-11-17T22:21:50.841-05:00Whole Woman: Healthy WomanToday I went to the first workshop in a three part series called "Whole Woman: Healthy Woman."<br />
We focussed on leadership - how we were leaders in our respective groups, how we can improve our leadership skills, and how we can empower others while leading.<br />
After introductions we spent about an hour doing yoga. That was the first time I have done yoga in a group setting and I really enjoyed it!! It felt great and I look forward to doing that again soon.<br />
The second part of the workshop involved thinking of a few of our weaknesses we see in ourselves as a leader and work to rephrase those perceived weaknesses in our thinking. We did this by creating a collage to help us rephrase and work through some of our negative feelings.<br />
<br />
One of my weaknesses I chose was the self doubt and regret that creeps into my thinking at times. I looked through many quotes while making my college and one that I found really spoke to me. I wanted to put it here in my blog so I can look back to it when I need a reminder.<br />
<br />
"Oh soul,<br />
you worry too much.<br />
You have seen your own strength.<br />
You have seen your own beauty.<br />
You have seen your golden wings.<br />
Of anything less,<br />
why do you worry?<br />
You are in truth<br />
the soul, of the soul, of the soul." - Rumi Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-44264165942256548232012-10-16T09:58:00.002-04:002012-10-16T09:58:57.239-04:00Day 15: Wave of LightCandles for Finley, Wren, my friend's baby that she lost today, and all the other babies that are loved but not held.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQug9u4mk_DXDd0swzyfZFYCygq2kY2mCxEg5fSeQwtoZ0iRH7AyZglmluaxKS0uTJyXtojvka61yBScenzbquIYiD04l4HNcdEfkCKsGamI1BF7jgzY3aDGp3bPf2zuGKZDlojKbpfMOn/s1600/candles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQug9u4mk_DXDd0swzyfZFYCygq2kY2mCxEg5fSeQwtoZ0iRH7AyZglmluaxKS0uTJyXtojvka61yBScenzbquIYiD04l4HNcdEfkCKsGamI1BF7jgzY3aDGp3bPf2zuGKZDlojKbpfMOn/s320/candles.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-50379844924047996412012-10-13T10:55:00.001-04:002012-10-13T10:55:28.930-04:00Day 13: SignsToday was Wren's due date. Oct 13th. I have mixed feelings about today. Some ways it is hard. But honestly it isn't harder than the last few weeks. I don't put a lot of emphasis on "due" dates in pregnancy - because I know that a baby is due when he or she is fully cooked and ready to make an appearance and a particular date doesn't mean much. So I think more of a due month. Two weeks prior and two weeks after the due date. So the last few weeks have been rough as I have been going about the motions of my normal, non 9 month pregnant life. Prior to losing Wren I had made many work plans thinking I would not be working at this point in the year. There have been many reminders the past few weeks that my life is not as I had thought it would be right now and those reminders have been hard to deal with at times.<br />
<br />
In many ways I am relieved that her due date is here. I have been avoiding the calender and dates since May. I hate thinking "I would have been X number of weeks." So that is behind me and I am grateful. <br />
<br />
Signs is the topic of the <a href="http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html" target="_blank">CarlyMarie Project</a> today. Since we lost Wren I have always imagined her in heaven being rocked by my Nana. I can see Nana and Grandaddy on rocking chairs rocking their three great grandchildren in heaven. On hard nights that image has been a peaceful and comfortable image. Last July I was driving in the mountains alone for work and I had my ipod on shuffle. I was thinking about Wren, Finley, and Nana and then the song that always reminds me of Nana came on my Ipod. It was kind of weird - since I have so many songs on my ipod and that song came on at that moment. And then the next song that came on was a song about miscarriage that obviously reminds me of Finley and Wren. Just too weird to be a coincendence. :) It was a sign to me that they are all together in heaven. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNv9UShkBfdxMJswDseLDr0X2yYYkN-kx8e8nxlQ3xhzcYc-Z4DfOGXgjTktdr8UFwDq3IKHPJiACrKXcvB-1T167AKpRgVXalL9ZysqOFD-RCyttZYPRYUVWXkLjMqSGXE58ghTqq2V9J/s1600/wishyouwell.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNv9UShkBfdxMJswDseLDr0X2yYYkN-kx8e8nxlQ3xhzcYc-Z4DfOGXgjTktdr8UFwDq3IKHPJiACrKXcvB-1T167AKpRgVXalL9ZysqOFD-RCyttZYPRYUVWXkLjMqSGXE58ghTqq2V9J/s320/wishyouwell.png" width="213" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-90694838844196859432012-10-11T21:15:00.001-04:002012-10-11T21:15:27.147-04:00Day 11: Supportive Family/friendsToday's subject is about supportive friends and family. I have been overwhelmed by <a href="http://erinmcpatrick.blogspot.com/2012/05/thank-you.html" target="_blank">supportive and kind words</a> after both of our losses. I was taken aback by so many people who reached out to me and told me their own stories of losses. It was shocking and sad but comforting at the same time. This is one reason that I talk and write about what we have been through and what we are going through, because I know I am not alone and I want people to feel comfortable talking about their grief and journey with me and with others. <br />
<br />
The picture that I took for today's entry are items that two people who have been very supportive of me gave me in memory of Finley and Wren. My super sweet friend Rachael has been amazing throughout the last year. After our first loss last September she sent me the blanket pictured to honor our loss. I love Rachael because she is comfortable enough to talk about Wren and Finley with me. She has sent me random texts and messages throughout the year when she was thinking of one of our babies. She is someone that I can always call or email or just tell her I am sad. <br />
<br />
My mom gave me the remember bracelet after we lost Wren. She has always been supportive in every aspect of my life including the losses of our babies. She wears a neclace that has a charm for each of her grandchildren which includes a charm for Finley, Wren, and Lucy (my older sister Shanna's baby that died in pregnancy). <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIlPcF2J-voSbfy6ygyXh0IGLxluUGeq_V0ZLRTA-t_bqnPkcoBKKryo48L7yrdI1e2eAQN0zKugV07eWTcCBw86NyxK68DIHjbmU1ejRYTSflVxq_GkbLI1qttYKjQvKhJ22J3ZTpG2PB/s1600/blanket.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIlPcF2J-voSbfy6ygyXh0IGLxluUGeq_V0ZLRTA-t_bqnPkcoBKKryo48L7yrdI1e2eAQN0zKugV07eWTcCBw86NyxK68DIHjbmU1ejRYTSflVxq_GkbLI1qttYKjQvKhJ22J3ZTpG2PB/s320/blanket.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-64128133663280949992012-10-10T19:52:00.002-04:002012-10-10T19:52:53.793-04:00Day 10: SymbolThis is my favorite post so far! The topic for today is symbol - and it is not suprising that the symbol that I associate with my losses are birds. More specifically wrens. As soon as I knew our baby had died at 16 weeks I knew I was going to name him or her after a bird. It just made sense to me - I can't really explain it, but I just knew I had to. I thought up boy and girl names that were bird related, but during those long weeks while we were waiting for the results of the genetic testing, I was already calling the baby "Wren" in my head. I just knew. When my midwife called and told me the baby we lost was a girl - it was almost anticlimatic, she was telling me what I already knew, we had a genetically normal daughter...Wren. <br />
<br />
So obviously a wren is the symbol I associate with Wren. But even before her - I already associated birds with our first loss - Finley. <br />
<br />
I love the excuse to buy bird paraphanelia actually. But I also spend a lot of time outside- and I love when I have a special moment with any bird. It is just a second where I can remember and smile to myself <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSutoUjXZ8eS8IIxDHER_UGtS4kq93q0vVNRWgPjBv7jlxEe2PrMNI4C91QIs12yukt0Hic0JLCnel8ozLRW7ony9AxCct28V1szfVFmYVOIroYUJRQ8rBBOO-Q6MTe-UUb6j_m_pTvJUx/s1600/wren22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSutoUjXZ8eS8IIxDHER_UGtS4kq93q0vVNRWgPjBv7jlxEe2PrMNI4C91QIs12yukt0Hic0JLCnel8ozLRW7ony9AxCct28V1szfVFmYVOIroYUJRQ8rBBOO-Q6MTe-UUb6j_m_pTvJUx/s320/wren22.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-31047894826117026822012-10-10T19:27:00.002-04:002012-10-10T19:27:51.526-04:00Day 9: Special Place<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEnw9ahk32aMyZnJkajMTwiDmDe-y_kP-m_nLR-gViU3L0mvmIBFrF9EkcYwGNKpCtGqR8E0XGGr_aPydDwh9sU7rkEIAMBmwyoUAheFPn7pwWXL1S4ICa0gsvTLj7HWnKBCD-VtajsnuL/s1600/memorial2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEnw9ahk32aMyZnJkajMTwiDmDe-y_kP-m_nLR-gViU3L0mvmIBFrF9EkcYwGNKpCtGqR8E0XGGr_aPydDwh9sU7rkEIAMBmwyoUAheFPn7pwWXL1S4ICa0gsvTLj7HWnKBCD-VtajsnuL/s320/memorial2.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
I already used this picture in <a href="http://erinmcpatrick.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-5-memorial.html" target="_blank">Day 5</a> of the <a href="http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html" target="_blank">CarlyMarie Project</a>. However, Day 9's theme is "Special Place" and this is it. Actually anywhere I can get outside and be in nature. Being in the woods has always been a special place for me - but now it is a place where I can slow down and breathe in the amazing world around me. It allows me to remember, reflect, and connect. Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-42118026274150268812012-10-08T18:08:00.001-04:002012-10-08T18:08:27.413-04:00Day 8: JewelryToday's picture is of jewelry that represents my two angels. I ordered this necklace as soon as we found out that Wren was a girl. Unfortunately, the chain broke a few weeks ago and I just have the pendant with me. It also has a little F disc for Finley and a W disk for Wren.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZk6JNeN9-tp6zTMEYPWhe4GUKJKZ4F_LYMDEP_Z4BbZcZJwISjJ7OFGIq0uqGsE-ae6t-8KyBb4bIEJCWRbUzFGJBkgrG8ND1CMgSTtsvmiEfXVd8gtXOxac0JQT2Hiu8nF7IAgEsptKy/s1600/necklace.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZk6JNeN9-tp6zTMEYPWhe4GUKJKZ4F_LYMDEP_Z4BbZcZJwISjJ7OFGIq0uqGsE-ae6t-8KyBb4bIEJCWRbUzFGJBkgrG8ND1CMgSTtsvmiEfXVd8gtXOxac0JQT2Hiu8nF7IAgEsptKy/s320/necklace.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291194454371943708.post-88032496099007207112012-10-07T20:41:00.004-04:002012-10-07T20:41:37.773-04:00Day 7: What to Say<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOfsDAvtghvAWOy1HZhffvrQ8fsRWT7qyWoTXCDkpebzMaAY6SxRii2sOS1gB4E3aJV6Ln4ge4HbXtKBgXgmK8do2ryJfGpZFVw02uyQ9GYux46iw0SX7YtCE5Rd3kEVATxoxoCnYJFKiM/s1600/Day+7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOfsDAvtghvAWOy1HZhffvrQ8fsRWT7qyWoTXCDkpebzMaAY6SxRii2sOS1gB4E3aJV6Ln4ge4HbXtKBgXgmK8do2ryJfGpZFVw02uyQ9GYux46iw0SX7YtCE5Rd3kEVATxoxoCnYJFKiM/s640/Day+7.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />Erin Patrickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00480828600977574032noreply@blogger.com0