I haven't had my phone out of my site in four weeks. For the past month I have been expecting the call that held the results of our genetic testing on our baby that we lost. The call came this afternoon and I honestly knew what my midwife was going to say. I knew it in my heart this whole time. Our sweet baby was a genetically normal baby girl.
Though the results of the tests can be summed up in just a few words "normal baby girl" those words have a huge impact on me, Shawn, and our future.
First - we had a daughter! How cool is that?! I hate so much that we never got to hold her and tell her face to face how much we love her and how much we wanted her. I keep thinking about how FREAKING excited Shawn and I would have been at the gender ultrasound. We would have been bouncing from wall to wall! That is how we felt when we found out we were having a boy the first time and I know we would have relived that awesomeness on Tuesday, May 1st had our baby lived. And I totally would have gone on a cute hippie baby clothes shopping spree!! I wonder what she would have looked like? Would she have looked like me? Would she had been like me? Or not like me at all? So many questions that will never be answered in this world.
We named our daughter Wren. We have been thinking of names for the past several weeks. I have been focusing on girl names because I just knew our baby was a girl :) Go Mother's Intuion! I have been having strong feelings that I wanted to name her after a bird, I am not sure why - but I just felt that it was right. So we named her Wren. I personally love wrens - they are saucy little birds that don't realize how tiny they are!
Finding out that she was a normal baby girl has big implications on our future hopes and dreams for a family. I was honestly hoping that we would find out that our baby had chromosomal abnormalities. If that was the case then there would be a really good chance that we wouldn't experience yet another loss.. But the testing and trying to answer some questions will come later. For tonight I am just thinking about and mourning for our little girl.