Friday, May 4, 2012

Moving on to Anger

Now I am just pissed off.  I am mad that we lost our baby.  It isn't right or fair.  I know we are good parents. I know we have a lot of love to give and I am just pissed off that we have lost two babies.  I am sad but starting to get angry about it.

And then I ended up in the ER and admitted to the hospital on Wednesday night.  I ended up losing a lot of blood and my hematocrit and hemoglobin dropped like a rock.  I am so upset about this.  I really wanted to avoid losing much blood this time because I learned the hard way with our last miscarriage how hard it was to build back up from blood loss.  I didn't feel up to working out for almost three months after that and I was just getting back to where I was physically when I got pregnant this time.

It is so much harder to deal with the emotional aspects of our loss when I feel so bad physically.  It is hard to differentiate between not wanting to get out of bed because I am anemic and not wanting to get out of bed because I am sad.  I realized that the bleeding was picking up on Tuesday and Wednesday and I realized that I was getting more and more tired.  However, I didn't know if I was feeling worse from the blood loss or from the events of the past 5 days hitting me.  Finally it got to a point where I knew that I needed to get checked out and I am glad I did.    They rehyrdrated me, stopped the bleeding (without more surgery! That is a positive), and got me high as a kite.  I had never had dilaudid before.  And I definitely never had dilaudid with percocet and ibuprofren. Let's just say that forest animals kept me company during the night and I didn't want to go to sleep because I was rather enjoying their visit.  The next day I was rather sleep deprived but thankfully stable.  So after proving to the hospital staff that I could walk around without passing out they let me come home with meds to keep the bleeding down, strict advice to take it super easy, and they
told me that if I lost any more blood then I need to get back to the hospital quickly for a blood transfusion. I was right on the line of needing a transfusion or not and since I seemed to tolerate the low H&H ok (I wasn't passed out in bed, I was getting up to go the bathroom and stuff) they decided not to do the transfusion and let my body naturally build it back up.  I am usually all for the natural side of things - but I know from experience that the build up is a long, slow process.  Grrrrrrrr.

So thanks to my awesome friends I have a list of natural remedies to help my body heal and recover.  I am heading to the health food store shortly with a list of
1. Kombucha
2. Chlorophyll
3. Floradix
4. Nettle Tea
5.  Rose Hips Tea

I am willing to try anything to help me feel better.  I know even under the best circumstances it can take time, but hopefully some of these things will speed things along just a little. 

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