Monday, December 31, 2012

Reflections - 2012 edition

As I see and hear everyone talking about the highs and lows of 2012 I often find myself melancholy and sad about what 2012 was and what it wasn't.  I had some great events and memories from 2012 and for those I am thankful - but one event that casts a shadow over so much is the loss of our Wren.  This time last year I was cautiously optimistic that our first loss had been a single, awful incident.  Though I was obviously heartbroken I still felt that next time things would be different and I really expected to be holding and loving on our baby on the eve of 2013.  And when we got pregnant last January and things appeared to be going well, we got past the first trimester, I told work, etc, etc, etc I REALLY thought we had made it and we were going to welcome a baby during 2012.  Of course that was not meant to be.  So as I reflect on 2012 I think a lot about the loss of my innocence and naivety.  I have definitely grown in compassion and understanding but the costs of that growth was high. 

I am normally an optimist and I would love to think about the coming year with blind optimism but if 2012 has taught me anything it is to not assume or take for granted.  I am almost afraid to put high hopes on 2013 right now - so right now as I look to the coming year my hope is to live in the moment and enjoy and be thankful for the blessings I am given. 

Monday, December 24, 2012

Is it Christmas Yet?

I want to bottle up all the excitement, fun, laughter, and love from this Christmas season so I will never forget it.  From making Christmas cookies, to an awesome visit with Santa, to driving around and looking at Christmas lights at every opportunity - I know that this Christmas will be one that I cherish and remember fondly. 

I am so thankful to have these experiences with Shawn and Fisher.  We have had a rough year in so many ways and I love that we are ending it on a high note!   Losing Wren brought so much sadness but it has also made me really appreciate the "little things" so much more.   I have really lived in the moment this Christmas season more than ever before and for that I am thankful.    I don't think I will ever forget Fisher asking to go to bed at 2 pm on Christmas Eve so Santa can come.   Or him running around screaming "Happy Christmas!" and then singing Jingle Bells very off key.  While I will always miss our little girl I am thankful for the lessons and the perspective she taught me this year.  I am off to spend the rest of the day with an excited three year old and cherishing every time he asks me "Is it Christmas yet?"

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Heavy Heart

The nation is mourning.  The events of last Friday were unimaginable until they happened.  And now we are left trying to wrap our heads and process these horrific acts.  We put ourselves in the shoes of the victims, the parents, and the teachers knowing that while we feel pain, we can't really imagine what they are going through.

And then I found out about another unimaginable event that happened this weekend.  A mama died after having her first child.  I don't know this mom but my heart aches for her.  It aches for her family, her daughter, her husband.  I do know many of her coworkers and friends. My heart aches for them.  Again, I am putting myself in each of their shoes, but I can't really imagine what they are going through. 

With a heavy heart we go on.  And in the case of the Connecticut shootings - the outpouring of love and compassion is memorable and beautiful.   The shooter was filled with hate and anger but that is not what persists.  His hate and anger brought an unimaginable amount of love and compassion to that town and those families.  Does it replace what they lost?  No way.  But hopefully it will help the healing begin and will eventually bring some peace to those affected. 

With a heavy heart I was reminded by a friend that Ina May has another square on her quilt.  Ina May has a Safe Motherhood Quilt with a square devoted to each woman who has died from pregnancy-related causes since 1982.    Again - the love and compassion for this woman, her family, and her friends is memorable and beautiful.  I am thankful to live in a community that loves each other and holds each other in unimaginably painful times.