Sunday, April 17, 2011

Big Girls Can Run Too :)

I may be an *ahem* big girl - but I love running! I am on week 5 of my Couch to 10K program and it is going great. I am running intervals for 60-70 minutes, pouring sweat, and feeling strong.
So - if you have thought about running, but think you have to look a certain way or be a certain size - don't let that stop you! Start a program that builds you up slowly and be amazed by your body. Most women spend a lot of time complaining about our bodies - what they look like, what they don't look like, what they don't do. Today, take a minute and appreciate your body for what it can do. Our bodies are pretty amazing when you think about it - they get us around all day, they run even when we aren't feeding them good fuel, and they make babies for God's sake!
I find that when I appreciate my body, love it, exercise it, I also fuel it with better food as well.

1. Rank the following fats from most healthy to least healthy:
saturated fat, polysatured fat, monosaturated fat, trans fat

Answer - monosaturated fat, polysatured fat, saturated fat, and then transfat.

2. How do you measure portion control with your lifestyle?
Answer - Portion control is something I still need to work on. For me, I use a small plate, it a normal portion size and then make myself wait 10 - 15 minutes before going back for more. Often I find that when I wait I don't feel the desire for more.

3. What object does a serving size of meat compare to?
Answer -deck of cards

I wrote this blog post while participating in the Mamavation Blogging Carnival for a chance to win Chef’s Requested steaks

Thursday, April 14, 2011

My place - in the woods and in the home

If you know me, you know I love my job. I have worked my butt off to get where I am, I have moved countless times, went to school for quite a while - all to be one of those people who can say that they love their job and it doesn't feel like work.

I am a wildlife biologist and very proud of that because I know what I did to get here. I know it hasn't been an easy road but one that I would do all over again.

And then enters motherhood. I guess I should point out that I am the first employee in my program that has had a baby. My program covers two states and there is only one woman that is a field employee in those two states - I will give you one guess who that woman is. Yeah - me. While I was pregnant I was asked by our program director what my plans were after having children. "Um, work." was my answer. I explained that I loved my job and I planned on loving it after I had children as well. He told me that recently another female biologist in another program had a child and then decided that working wasn't for her, so she quit her job. I think he was trying to feel me out to see if that was on my radar. It wasn't, but I have to admit I was a little nervous about feeling differently after having my baby.

Fast forward 1.5 years and now I am an officially a working mom. My son goes to daycare five days a week and I work straight through 8 hours without taking breaks so that I can pick him up as soon as possible and spend the rest of the day with him. I wake up at 5 am to workout before going to work, so that I don't waste any of his waking hours working out. I juggle, I manage, I am tired, I feel overwhelmed sometimes, but you know what? I love it. I think I am doing a pretty damn good job at both my job and being a mom. My son is awesome, well adjusted, laid back, and I love him more than I realized was possible. And I think I am managing my job quite well also - I cover two states which requires travel and long days at times. I do it, happily, even while missing my son and my husband.

Recently I found out that someone I work with feels that "a woman's place is in the home, raising the kids." and while I initially blew it off, it just keeps coming up in my thoughts. While I respect women that choose to b full time moms and stay at home with their children - I also have a respect women who choose to work and raise their children. I don't like the thought of people looking down on me and judging my choices. I think I get annoyed when people assume that I would rather be home with my son and feel sorry for me because I "have" to work. Well yes, financially I do have to work. But even if we didn't depend on my income, I would work. Again - I love my job, it is something I have been passionate about my entire life. Of course, if I had to choose one or the other- I would definitely choose to be a mom. But my point is - I don't have to choose. I can do both. I can be an awesome mom and a pretty darn good wildlife biologist. I don't have to feel guilty, I don't have to answer to what other people think I should do, or what I should be. Because you know what? I am me and I kind of like myself. And I really feel like my son is going to benefit from that in the long run.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

What I learned from my freak out

I made it through my first OB/GYN appointment since having Fisher. I was really worried about it and didn't know how I would react to going.

While I was in the waiting room I felt my anxiety building. I wanted to walk out, but I kept trying to distract myself. And then my name was called. I followed the nurse back to get weighed and as I stepped on the scale, I lost it. I started crying and shaking. It was pretty bad. I tried to tell her that I had anxiety about seeing a OB for the first time since a traumatic birth experience, but I am not sure how much of that she could make out. I was utterly embarrassed at the same time. I kept apologizing. She was very nice and told me not to appologize. And then she gave me the robe to change into.....

If nothing else, I learned the key to getting seen FAST by a doctor. Have a freak out. I barely had a chance to get undressed before the doctor came in. I start crying again. Of course, he had no idea why I was crying - as this is the first time I have seen him. He sat down and asked me if it was the yearly exam that was causing me anxiety. I said no and tried to explain that it was the traumatic experience with my son's birth and I told him that I knew I would be nervous about getting seen by an OB/GYN but I had no idea I would have the reaction I did. And, my goodnes, the doctor could not have handled the situation better. He started asking me about my job, I knew he was trying to get me talking about something I was more comfortable about - but it worked! I slowly started calming down and then we got back to talking about Fisher's birth.

I told him an abreviated story of Fisher's birth and explained the medical records "mistake." and then I told him that because of this I don't trust OBs. Hey, I laid all my cards out on the table. After crying hysterically in front of a complete stranger, there is really nothing to lose.

Again, he handled this all great, didn't seem offended that I just told him I don't trust him and his peers. He explained to me that he has had two brow presentations in his career (and he is in his late 50s) and that the last one he didn't pick up on until he had checked her a couple of times. But he did figure it two points for that. And then he told me that if I were to get pregnant again, I would have the option of having a scheduled c-section or a VBAC and asked me if I had strong feelings either way. LOL. If you know me at all, you know I have a tiny bit of strong feelings in preferance for the VBAC and I told him this. He said that I was an excellent VBAC candidate, he didn't see any reason why I couldn't VBAC. He said that I could wear a mobile monitor and cruise up and down the hospital halls as much as I want. (Wait, I thought it was certain death if you got out of bed while in labor???)

The only thing that was concerning to me was that he told that he doesn't support VBACs for women with a baby measuring above 9 lb 14 oz in utero. Fisher was 9 lbs, 3 oz and was not fat at all. He was long and skinny. Shawn and I are very tall, big structured people. I am 6 foot and Shawn is 6'6. So I think there is a very good chance that a baby of ours would measure bigger than 9 lb 14 oz. And we all know the problems with ultrasounds not measuring correctly. So I guess I will cross that bridge in the future if I need to.

But overall, I am happy with the appointment. The doctor spend almost 45 minutes with me, which was more than my last OB spent with me my entire pregnancy! He was calm, listened, reassuring, and honest with me. I appreciate that. Many of the fears I had about seeing a new ob were eased. I was worried that he wouldn't believe me since my medical records don't match what happened. I was worried that since I know I have inaccurate medical records I wouldn't be allowed to VBAC, I was worried that I would have to stay in bed while laboring. All of those things I am not worried about anymore. I hate that I had to have a panic attack and freak out to get those answers and things resolved. But I am going in the right direction.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Regaining trust

I have an appointment with an OB/GYN today in my new town. I called yesterday morning to set up an appointment and was told that they just had a cancellation. So I took it. And man, the anxiety has kicked in. I find it hard to believe myself that I have so much emotional issues involved in just going for a routine yearly appointment. Obviously my body, my mind, my soul know that it is more than that.

I don't worry so much about what happened with Fisher happening again, because it won't, I won't let it. I worry about what I might have to go through to make sure things don't go that way. I felt like being amiable and going with the flow was the right thing to do with Fisher. I felt like at the time,I was "suppossed" to ignore my instincts and what my body was telling me to do and do what the hospital told me I had to do. To go along what was hospital "policy". I thought by going with the flow, controlling what I could, things would be easier on me and Fisher because I wouldn't be fighting with hospital staff. Boy was I wrong. And I deal with the reminders of that every day. I am obviously still not "over it" and I don't know when or if I will be. I don't think I will be until Fisher has no more pending surgeries.

I don't talk much or often about all the anxiety, angers, fears, and regret. I might mention it, throw a comment out, bitch about the doctor, or the hospital, but I usually happy it up, gloss over it, pretend that I am ok. But I know I am not ok. I know from counseling that I avoid digging too deep into what I really think and feel about what happened. And here it is - in my face. The anxiety, the rushing thoughts, the fears, the lack of trust, the guilt. And I am worried about seeing a new doctor, because I am either going to 1) act like it is no big deal, pretend that I am ok, when I am obviously not or 2)put my true fears, anxieties, regrets, and hopes for the future out on the table and have the chance of it being minimilized, trivialized, or even not believed (thanks to the falsified medical records).

I pray that things go great. I click with the doctor, I am able to get answers to some questions I have, I get a good report, and I hope that the new doctor doesn't trivialize what happened, because I think one of the hardest things I have had coping with is the fact that the medical records do not show what happened. That what has been such a big deal to me and Fisher doesn't even appear on the records. I think my emotional state would be so different right now if the original doctor offered an apology, an explanation, and some compassion and acknowledgement of what Fisher and I have went through and are still going through.

So today is a big step for me. And hopefully it will be one that offers some healing and maybe I can start regaining trust in the medical community.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Focusing on food this week

I have got the workout thing under control. I love, love, love my new gym and since I am actually living in a town with friends I have people to work out with!!! I met my friend Crystal at the gym yesterday, we took our kids to the daycare, and then we hit the treadmill. We got great workouts in and then we took the kiddos to the gym pool. Today I am meeting a different friend to do zumba at the gym.
As I celebrate the successes of working out, I can not say the same about my eating. I have been on a sugar kick much of this week. Not good. So my goal for this week - No sugar. I know that I feel better when I avoid sugar, so I am not sure why I go back to it. Other than the sugar I did pretty good in the eating department this week - I followed the meal plan I made last Sunday. I am getting ready to make my meal plan for this week.

I am looking forward to the twitter party Monday night! I can't wait to see who the next Mamavation moms are! Good luck to all the finalists!