Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Day 15: Wave of Light

Candles for Finley, Wren, my friend's baby that she lost today, and all the other babies that are loved but not held.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Day 13: Signs

Today was Wren's due date.  Oct 13th.  I have mixed feelings about today. Some ways it is hard.  But honestly it isn't harder than the last few weeks.  I don't put a lot of emphasis on "due" dates in pregnancy - because I know that a baby is due when he or she is fully cooked and ready to make an appearance and a particular date doesn't mean much.  So I think more of a due month.  Two weeks prior and two weeks after the due date.  So the last few weeks have been rough as I have been going about the motions of my normal, non 9 month pregnant life.  Prior to losing Wren I had made many work plans thinking I would not be working at this point in the year.  There have been many reminders the past few weeks that my life is not as I had thought it would be right now and those reminders have been hard to deal with at times.

In many ways I am relieved that her due date is here.  I have been avoiding the calender and dates since May.  I hate thinking "I would have been X number of weeks."  So that is behind me and I am grateful. 

Signs is the topic of the CarlyMarie Project today.  Since we lost Wren I have always imagined her in heaven being rocked by my Nana.  I can see Nana and Grandaddy on rocking chairs rocking their three great grandchildren in heaven.  On hard nights that image has been a peaceful and comfortable image.  Last July I was driving in the mountains alone for work and I had my ipod on shuffle.  I was thinking about Wren, Finley, and Nana and then the song that always reminds me of Nana came on my Ipod.  It was kind of weird - since I have so many songs on my ipod and that song came on at that moment.  And then the next song that came on was a song about miscarriage that obviously reminds me of Finley and Wren.   Just too weird to be a coincendence. :)  It was a sign to me that they are all together in heaven. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Day 11: Supportive Family/friends

Today's subject is about supportive friends and family.    I have been overwhelmed by supportive and kind words after both of our losses.  I was taken aback by so many people who reached out to me and told me their own stories of losses.  It was shocking and sad but comforting at the same time.  This  is one reason that I talk and write about what we have been through and what we are going through, because I know I am not alone and I want people to feel comfortable talking about their grief and journey with me and with others. 

The picture that I took for today's entry are items that two people who have been very supportive of me gave me in memory of Finley and Wren.  My super sweet friend Rachael has been amazing throughout the last year.  After our first loss last September she sent me the blanket pictured to honor our loss.  I love Rachael because she is comfortable enough to talk about Wren and Finley with me.  She has sent me random texts and messages throughout the year when she was thinking of one of our babies.  She is someone that I can always call or email or just tell her I am sad. 

My mom gave me the remember bracelet after we lost Wren.  She has always been supportive in every aspect of my life including the losses of our babies.  She wears a neclace that has a charm for each of her grandchildren which includes a charm for Finley, Wren, and Lucy (my older sister Shanna's baby that died in pregnancy). 


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Day 10: Symbol

This is my favorite post so far!  The topic for today is symbol - and it is not suprising that the symbol that I associate with my losses are birds.   More specifically wrens.  As soon as I knew our baby had died at 16 weeks I knew I was going to name him or her after a bird. It just made sense to me - I can't really explain it, but I just knew I had to.  I thought up boy and girl names that were bird related, but during those long weeks while we were waiting for the results of the genetic testing, I was already calling the baby "Wren" in my head.  I just knew.  When my midwife called and told me the baby we lost was a girl - it was almost anticlimatic, she was telling me what I already knew, we had a genetically normal daughter...Wren. 

So obviously a wren is the symbol I associate with Wren.  But even before her - I already associated birds with our first loss - Finley. 

I love the excuse to buy bird paraphanelia actually.  But I also spend a lot of time outside- and I love when I have a special moment with any bird.   It is just a second where I can remember and smile to myself 

Day 9: Special Place

I already used this picture in Day 5 of the CarlyMarie Project.   However, Day 9's theme is "Special Place" and this is it.  Actually anywhere I can get outside and be in nature.  Being in the woods has always been a special place for me - but now it is a place where I can slow down and breathe in the amazing world around me.  It allows me to remember, reflect, and connect. 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Day 8: Jewelry

Today's picture is of jewelry that represents my two angels.  I ordered this necklace as soon as we found out that Wren was a girl.  Unfortunately, the chain broke a few weeks ago and I just have the pendant with me.  It also has a little F disc for Finley and a W disk for Wren.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Day 5: Memorial

Today is Day 5 of the Capture your Grief project and the topic is Memorial.  I love the idea of planting a memorial garden and trees for each of my angels, but since we are currently renting I don't want to do that at this time.  However, the place that feels most like a memorial is nature.  I love when I have a few minutes alone in the woods, prefarably by water to reflect and be present in the moment.  Listening to the trickling water, feeling the moist breeze on my cheeks, watching the birds flicker around is the place I feel closest to God and the babies we have lost. 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Day 4: Treasured Item

As I said in my last post I am out of town, so I don't have access to all my normal things but I do have a picture of one of my treasured items. 

I ordered this bracelet just a few days after our first loss.
"I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)"

 I love it the simplicity of the words (from a E.E. Cummings poem) and the bracelet.  I never thought when I ordered it and then wore it for months that I would be carrying 2 hearts in my heart. 

Day 3: Self Potrait After Loss

I am traveling right now for work so I don't have access to all my files and pics.  Today I spent the day at the Greeneville Airport coordinating volunteers that are helping with our project.  I had many hours alone at the airport, which is always nice.  I don't spend enough time in solace and I am always grateful for those rare times.  As usual, I noticed the natural world happening around me while hanging out at the airport all day and at one point I thought the sky looked gorgeous.  It was so blue and the clouds so white, just a gorgeous sky.  I spent some time watching the clouds and sitting in the silence. 
I snapped a picture of myself looking up at that gorgeous Tennessee fall sky.  It represents me after loss because I am more weathered but also more attuned to the world and what happens.  I live in the moment a little more than I used to and try appreciate the beauty around me.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Day 2: Self Portrait Before Loss

Day 2 of the Capture Your Grief 2012 project is Self Portrait Before Loss. 

This was an easy one for me.  I was 15.5 weeks pregnant with Wren and I had just gotten comfortable with my pregnancy and wanted to document it.  We lost Finley at 11 weeks - so I was very very nervous the next pregnancy until I had a good ultrasound at 12 weeks.   When this picture was taken I was starting to feel flutters and was counting down the days until we found out if we were adding a boy or a girl to our family.  I really thought we were "in the clear" at this point in my pregnancy and I was starting to feel better from the morning sickness.  Only a few days after this picture was taken I went to a routine appointment and found that our little baby had passed away.

Capture Your Grief 2012

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  Though people who have lost a child need no reminders of what they are missing - I have found that it is nice to have a specific time for people to reflect, connect, and mourn. 

Carly Marie is an amazing photographer that has helped many people in their journeys to healing from losing a baby or a child.  You can see more about her awesome work here. 

She is heading up a 31 day photo challenge during the month of October.  I have never partcipated in anything like this before, but I really do love the idea of taking a little time each day to reflect, connect, and mourn for my lost little ones.  As Wren's due date gets closer and closer I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and I love being able to channel some of the energy and thoughts into a project.  So here we go.  Excuse the quality of pics - I am far from a professional photograher,just a mom who wants to work through some emotions and feelings. 

Day One - Sunrise

I actually found out about the project after sunrise on day 1 and it was cloudy in Knoxville, so I went out behind my office and snapped a picture of the flowers and trees.  I will probably try to get a different sunrise another day :) But this is my official start.