Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Pregnancy after loss

Man it has been a long time.   Sometimes I feel like it has been so long, I shouldn't even update my blog now but tonight I want to write some stuff out.  For me.

I guess the big news is, I am pregnant with a baby girl, Willow.   After two late losses, pregnancy is different.  It isn't a whole lot of fun and I was pretty much a walking disaster for the first 17 weeks (we lost Wren at 16 weeks).  I convinced myself time and time again that this pregnancy was over.  It wasn't pretty and I am thankful that I have some good friends who understand and have helped me through the worst of it. At 17 weeks we found out our baby was a boy...for 2 hours! It was pretty funny - I had an appointment with the high risk OB at 10 am for an ultrasound.  They saw what they thought was a penis and told us it was a boy.  I thought the angle was weird, but whatever.  They are the experts.  Shawn and I went to lunch to celebrate Sawyer.  We called and texted friends and family close to us.  After lunch I had a second appointment with my regular OB.  When I walked in they asked if we found out what we were having and I said "boy, but it was a weird angle, I am not 100% convinced".  They offered to do a free look to make sure and I took them up on it.  Laying on the table the technician was looking around and I said "If I didn't know better, I would think that is a girl"  and she agreed.  She said that it looked all girl to her.    I laughed so hard.  I found it hilarious that Shawn wasn't there with me for the "big reveal" even though we were together that morning when we thought we found out the sex.  I was so excited to call and tell Shawn the new news :)  We ended up getting a 3rd opinion just to make sure - and yes, she is all girl!

After we found out she was a girl and seemingly healthy we started telling people.  Every.single.time. I tell someone I am pregnant I get scared.  After two times of excitingly telling people you are pregnant only to end up with a broken heart - it is just so very different.  It is different for you and for the people you are telling.  You can see the worry and the hesitation in their eyes. You can hear it on their voice.  I know they love me and they don't want to see me hurt again.  It is just so very different. I was hoping that by telling people and talking about it more "it" would seem more real.  I have been so guarded and scared to get too excited.  It doesn't make sense unless you have walked a similar path, but it is the way I have dealt.  And it really is slowly starting to feel real.  I am now 25 weeks pregnant.  Willow moves a lot and has had many good updates from the doctors.   Fisher talks about her a lot, which again at first was scary to me.  I am getting more comfortable with that too.  The first time I overheard him telling a group of kids about his little sister Willow I melted.  

15 weeks to go!  So hopefully lots of exciting things going on over the next few months and then even better things after that!  I am of course planning a VBAC and look forward to an empowered birth - I am sure there will be more on that shortly.   Lots of emotions to deal with while dealing with pregnancy hormones so I am sure I will have more to blog about!