Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Pregnancy after loss

Man it has been a long time.   Sometimes I feel like it has been so long, I shouldn't even update my blog now but tonight I want to write some stuff out.  For me.

I guess the big news is, I am pregnant with a baby girl, Willow.   After two late losses, pregnancy is different.  It isn't a whole lot of fun and I was pretty much a walking disaster for the first 17 weeks (we lost Wren at 16 weeks).  I convinced myself time and time again that this pregnancy was over.  It wasn't pretty and I am thankful that I have some good friends who understand and have helped me through the worst of it. At 17 weeks we found out our baby was a boy...for 2 hours! It was pretty funny - I had an appointment with the high risk OB at 10 am for an ultrasound.  They saw what they thought was a penis and told us it was a boy.  I thought the angle was weird, but whatever.  They are the experts.  Shawn and I went to lunch to celebrate Sawyer.  We called and texted friends and family close to us.  After lunch I had a second appointment with my regular OB.  When I walked in they asked if we found out what we were having and I said "boy, but it was a weird angle, I am not 100% convinced".  They offered to do a free look to make sure and I took them up on it.  Laying on the table the technician was looking around and I said "If I didn't know better, I would think that is a girl"  and she agreed.  She said that it looked all girl to her.    I laughed so hard.  I found it hilarious that Shawn wasn't there with me for the "big reveal" even though we were together that morning when we thought we found out the sex.  I was so excited to call and tell Shawn the new news :)  We ended up getting a 3rd opinion just to make sure - and yes, she is all girl!

After we found out she was a girl and seemingly healthy we started telling people.  Every.single.time. I tell someone I am pregnant I get scared.  After two times of excitingly telling people you are pregnant only to end up with a broken heart - it is just so very different.  It is different for you and for the people you are telling.  You can see the worry and the hesitation in their eyes. You can hear it on their voice.  I know they love me and they don't want to see me hurt again.  It is just so very different. I was hoping that by telling people and talking about it more "it" would seem more real.  I have been so guarded and scared to get too excited.  It doesn't make sense unless you have walked a similar path, but it is the way I have dealt.  And it really is slowly starting to feel real.  I am now 25 weeks pregnant.  Willow moves a lot and has had many good updates from the doctors.   Fisher talks about her a lot, which again at first was scary to me.  I am getting more comfortable with that too.  The first time I overheard him telling a group of kids about his little sister Willow I melted.  

15 weeks to go!  So hopefully lots of exciting things going on over the next few months and then even better things after that!  I am of course planning a VBAC and look forward to an empowered birth - I am sure there will be more on that shortly.   Lots of emotions to deal with while dealing with pregnancy hormones so I am sure I will have more to blog about!

Saturday, April 27, 2013


I have been a loss mama for a year and a half now - and one thing I have learned from my own experiences and from my interactions with other loss mamas is that loss anniversaries are hard. It is a frequent topic on loss communities - how to deal with the emotions that surround the day, ideas on ways you can honor you baby, etc. It is very comforting to have a safe place to express your feelings on a day that is forever etched in your mind - but probably not many other people's mind.

The thing about anniversaries - is that you don't know how you are going to be. Are you going to cry nonstop and not want to get out of bed? Are you going to want to continue on your life - business as usual? And what happens one year doesn't mean that is how you are going to feel the next year or the year after that.

This is my first anniversary of Wren's death. "One year ago" has been the theme of this week. So far I haven't thought too much about the actual time we found out she died -but more the happiness and excitement we were feeling a year ago about the addition to our family. I remember feeling that I was past the point of too much worry with my pregnancy. I remember feeling safe. I remember happily going to the midwife appointment that Friday afternoon and realizing it was the first time in my pregnancy that I was super anxious and scared about something going wrong. And then I subconsciously try to stop myself from remembering the next few days and weeks. Those experiences and feelings are still so very raw. 

All week long I have been a little afraid of my feelings. So much of my life is spent trying to be in control of my feelings and to "keep calm and carry on." It can be scary to allow the thoughts and feelings to wash through me. So I knew that I needed some time alone to be with my thoughts and feel the emotions that bubbled under the calm surface. My natural inclination was to get outside and surround myself with the environment I feel the most grounded and calm. Yesterday I took the day off work and went hiking and birding. It was wonderful. Even though I spend a lot of time outside - I so rarely have time alone outside where I am not focused on a task for work. I meandered around the woods and took my time listening to the gorgeous soundtrack provided by the birds, the wind, and the trees. I watched birds through my binoculars that I normally wouldn't have spent too much time on because they are "common". And then I sat for quite a while and soaked up the gorgeous spring sun. I allowed myself to think thoughts that came in my mind - but for the most part I just enjoyed my surroundings more than I have in years. I thought some of the past year or two - or really the past 3.5 since I have had Fisher and the struggles we have been through. But in that environment I felt grateful. It hit me that I have learned so much over the last few years and I am grateful. Obviously I wish the events would have happened differently but I am grateful for the compassion I have been given and also the compassion that I have learned. For those moments in the sun I felt gratitude towards my two babies that I have lost and for the lessons they taught me. I really do feel that they have made me a better person and they have allowed me to see the good in so many other people as well.

I decided during my time out in the woods that I will make this my anniversary tradition - birding and hiking. It feels right and in such a busy life it is so nice to have the time to slow down and be. 

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Panda's make Panda Puffs

At 3.5 years old several times a day Fisher says something that makes me laugh and I think "I want to remember that!" And then we get busy and I don't write it down.
Being that it is a weekend morning, Shawn is out of town, and we are eating breakfast while watching Aquabats - I am taking a few minutes to document one :)

Fisher is very much into "Where does that come from?". Which is kind of neat!  At the grocery store he says "Cows make milk", "apples come from apple trees", etc.  He asks Shawn and I nonstop where we get things around the house.  "Mom, where did you get that shampooo?"  "Mom, where did did you get this necklace?".  And being that Shawn has a super hero collection - Fisher is VERY interested in those.  A few times a day Fisher says "I want to talk to Daddy about Super Heros" and much of that includes discussions of where they come from.  (Which coincidentally is a great time for Shawn to explain that he works, saves his money, and then buys them).

I usually make a good, full breakfast on weekends - bacon, eggs, the like.  This morning Shawn is out of town and I am feeling lazy (Time change!) so I gave Fisher the option of eating Panda Puffs.  He doesn't eat cereal often at all - probably just had it a handful of times and he was very interested in this opportunity.  He asked me a few questions about the cereal and decided that it was suitable for his Sunday am palate.  I brought him the bowl and he looked up at me and said "Mom, Panda's make Panda Puffs" very matter of fact.  It made me giggle and a little at a loss.  I find it fascinating that at this age he is trying to figure it all out and make the world make sense to him.  And it is yet another reason to not eat processed food - it is too hard to explain where it comes from.  ha ha.