Friday, May 11, 2012

How are you?

"How are you?"

-Honestly, I feel like I have went through 10 years of emotions in the last two weeks.  I am heartbroken, sad, so sad.  Sometimes I feel a little hopeful that we will get answers and maybe things will be fixable and we will be able to have a baby. But most of the time I feel like I am giving up on adding to my family.  It makes me sad to think that Fisher may not have a brother or a sister because my sisters are so important to me.  It makes me sad to think that I will not have children close in age.  It makes me sad that I don't feel my baby move anymore.  My shrinking belly leaves me feeling empty.  Being back at work is hard.  So much of my job revolves around October- December.  A time when I thought I would be at home with our new baby and now those plans have changed and I have to face that all day, every day at work.  Life is going on, I am going on externally but internally I am a mess. I miss our baby, I have dreams about him or her.  I hate that I don't know if our baby was a boy or girl still.  I have second thoughts on whether I made the right decision to have the D&E because I want to name our baby.  I need to give him or her a name.  I keep my phone close by me at all times because I don't want to miss the call from the doctor's office that might give us that answer.   But I guess I am making it. I am taking it day by day, sometimes hour by hour.-

"I am doing ok I think"

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