Monday, September 26, 2011


It has been one heck of a week - which I expected.  I am way more exhausted and physically drained than I expected.  Emotinally sometimes I am doing better than I would have expected and sometimes, well sometimes I am just overcome by sadness - and I expected that. 

The support and kind words have been amazing.  I had been told by several people, including the medical staff at the hospital, to expect people to say things that hurt in their attempts to comfort (i.e. at least you lost the baby now instead of when you were attached to it,etc).  Honestly, I heard a few things that I don't "agree" with, but it didn't bother me.  I totally know it is awkard and uncomfortable for most people because they don't know what to say.  But most people I have talked to acknowledged our loss and offered their apologies.  And really - that is all you can do.  And that really means a lot. 

The hardest part for me the last several days and something that I foresee happening for a long time is the flood of emotions and pain from seemingly innocent or normal occurences.  For example, when I see a little boy that is about Fisher's age and they have a baby brother or a sister that sets off feelings of sadness.  I was really excited about Fisher and his sibling being 2.5 years apart and now that won't happen.   When I see pregnant women I am sad that I am not pregnant anymore.   When I hear someone mention something going next spring I am reminded that we will not have a newborn in the spring.   And on and on and many reminders of what we were expeting, what we were so excited about, and what will not be.

I go back to the doctor tomorrow with little expectations.  I see there is no good side of seeing the doctor.  He is either going to say "It is one of those unexplained things" or "I think X,Y, and Z might be going on which caused the miscarriage."  I am not sure which one is more comforting now, but it really doesn't matter.  No expectations - but we will cross whatever bridge we are taken to.

Monday, September 19, 2011

My heart hurts

I literally keep thinking "My Heart Hurts" over and over and over in my head.  It really does.  I think in the whole scheme of things we are doing ok.  I have many moments when I feel ok; when I feel normal.   Doing the normal, mundane things seem to help a lot - giving Fisher a bath, reading him books, all the things I do every day - it is a nice reminder that things are going on and I am ok.  Shawn and I laugh and that feels good.  We actually laugh about some of the things that happened Friday and though I feel demented about laughing about it, it also feels good. That is what Shawn and I do, we laugh.  So I have these moments that I feel ok and I am so glad I have those because it makes me realize that we are going to be ok.  We will carry on, I know we can't erase what happened, but I also know that we some really good reasons to keep moving forward. 
I ordered this bracelet last night.

 It says "I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)".  That just seems perfect.  I know that we will continue going on.  We will talk about this experience less and less and maybe the graphic images will fade over time.  But I also know that I will carry in my heart forever the little one that I missed out on.  Like I said - we didn't have him long, but we loved him completely. 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

A heartbreaking loss

I can't believe that two days ago I joyfully "announced"  that I was pregnant.  I had told many close friends and family earlier on but on Monday I went ahead and told my work.  I wasn't planning on telling my work until next week when I would officially be in the 2nd trimester but my boss has to take several weeks off unexpectedly so I went ahead and told my boss and many coworkers last week.  After I told my work Shawn and I decided that we would go ahead and share our news.  We tried to take some pictures of Fisher in a big brother shirt and were going to post them on facebook, but Fisher wasn't up for a photo shoot so we decided to try again this weekend.  

On Thursday I posted a blog about being excited about expecting our new addition and within an hour after posting that I started showing signs of miscarriage.  I was in Nashville to give a presentation for work and it was a very good thing that I can talk about rabies in my sleep because I got through it without thinking about what I was saying at all.

After my presentation I called my doctor and they said to come in the next morning for "reassurance."  However, during the night I started cramping and I knew in my heart the pregnancy was over.  It was a long night.  In the morning as Shawn and I were getting ready to to the doctor I started hemorrhaging like crazy.  I couldn't believe how much I was bleeding.  I wasn't sure if I should go to the ER or go to the doctor, but made the decision to go on to the doctor as planned.

At the doctor I explained that things had gotten much worse and they took me on back.  They wanted to do an ultrasound and said that they have seen people come in with substantial bleeding and have healthy babies.  But I knew there was no way that I had a healthy baby anymore.  When they did the ultrasound they realized how much blood I was losing.  At that point they transferred me to the hospital so the surgeon could determine what needed to be done.   I was getting weak and remember thinking over and over that I had already lost this baby and that was awful, but I didn't want Fisher to lose his mother. 

My OB was out of town so I had the OB that was taking his call and I had never met before.  Thank God, he turned out to be an awesome doctor and I can't imagine the situation being handled better than he did.  He examined me and then said that he needed to operate immediately.  The whirlwind started and I had people trying to get an IV in on both of my arms at the same time.  I was so dehydrated and had lost so much blood that they had a really awful time of getting an IV in.  At this point I guess I looked pretty rough, the OB came and got my hand and told me to focus on him and talked to me about Fisher.  I think he was trying to keep me from passing out. It worked and I will forever remember him holding my hand and the trust I felt in him.  Which is actually amazing, if you know anything about me you know that I don't have much trust at all in OBs. 

I had the D&C and immediately upon waking up in recovery I was taken aback by how much better I felt.  I felt better coming off of the anesthesia than I had felt prior to the surgery.  I lost 3 units of blood during the D&C on top of what I lost prior to so I still felt (and feel) very weak.   Amazingly enough after recovering for several hours they did more blood work and all of my blood work looked good (the doctor himself couldn't believe it) and so they let me go on home with the understanding that I would take it very, very easy for the next week and let my body heal and repair itself. 

Yesterday was such a whirlwind I can't believe that so many actions and emotions can be packed into one day.  I am processing everything now and I am not sure how things are going to be "on the other side."  In some ways I see a lot of good in what happened yesterday - I am so thankful that I got the care I needed.  Things got scary, fast.  However, I knew I was in good hands and was actually proud of myself that I let myself trust in the doctors and nurses and knew that they were doing what was in my best interest.  And the information, the compassion, the professionalism, and the care I received could not have been more different from what I experienced at the hospital where Fisher was born. And for that I am truly grateful.  I shudder to think what would have happened if I went into the hospital where Fisher was born in the state I was in. 

Today I keep wondering what is wrong with my body that makes me have such horrific and gruesome experiences.  I really want to love and trust my body but right now I am not sure how to do that.  I know that miscarriages are far more common than most people realize and I know what I am feeling is not unique to me or my situation.   My heart hurts for our baby.  The baby that we loved so much since we found out about him in mid July.  We didn't have him long but we loved him completely. 

 Shawn called and talked to many different people yesterday when I didn't want to and I am appreciative of the love and support that people showed not only me but him.  He is really hurting too.  He again saw things that no one should see and for the second time he saw his wife being rushed away to surgery not really sure what was going on.   That was something I was hoping would never happen again.
Thanks for the thoughts, prayers, kind words, and the acknowledgement of our loss.  I know we will get through this and grow from this experience because I have seen so many of you go through heartbreaking situations and move on with the scars on your heart.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

And baby makes FOUR!

It has been a while but the last few days I have had the urge to get on here and write.  There is a lot going on right now and as usual writing is cathartic to me so here I go.

The awesome news.  We are expecting again!  I found out super early (like 3.5 weeks) in mid July.  I was really surprised when I saw that positive show up and I didn't even tell Shawn.  I went to the store and bought another test!  :)  I got home it was definitely positive - so I wrote on the test "I am going to be a big brother" and told Fisher to take it to Shawn.  Fisher complied and Shawn was shocked!  His first words were "Really?  AWESOME!"  We had hoped to have our children relatively close in age so both of us were excited. 

According to my cycle dates - my due date should be April 6th.  I will be 11 weeks tomorrow and so far so good with this pregnancy.  The worst part by far was an 11 day trapping study that I did the first of August.  I was so tired and felt pretty nauseous quite a bit.  And of course no one knew that I was pregnant yet.  So it was a trying 11 days and much worse than the trapping I did in my 2nd and 3rd trimesters last pregnancy.  The summer heat and morning sickness proved to be a bad combination.  But I did it.  It is done and I was very relieved when it was over. 

After the trapping study I went to Lexington for the birth of my 2nd neice - Delaney.  She was a planned c-section and the first time I had ever been to a hospital for a birth other than Fisher's.  We stood at the nursery window waiting for Delaney to appear and there was a baby in the nursery that had just been born. Seeing that baby laying there in this little bassinet completely alone immediatly after being born triggered something in me.  I wanted to take that baby to her mama.  I worried that the mom was missing out on holding her baby those first few minutes.  I started crying and shaking and felt sick.  From this experience I realized that the most far reaching lasting issue I have from Fisher's birth was the seperation after he was born.  When I think of those hours I spent in recovery alone, holding the picture the NICU nurse brought me; the void in my arms feels so fresh.   My biggest hope for this labor and delivery is to be able to hold my precious baby in my arms immediately following his or her birth.   I want to experience a newborn.  I want to see what he or she looks like, feels like, smells like as they begin their introduction into the world.  For me - that is success. That is healing.  That is perfection.