This week is proving to be a very hard week for me. There is so much to it. First - as much as I love Fisher I have bad memories associated with his birth. How I wish I could forget the bad memories and only remember the good. Those memories alone have put me into a little bit of an emotional tailspin the last couple of years but this year things are much harder.
This time last year I was pregnant with our second child. I was so happy and excited and had visions of our family of four. Everything seemed to be going well, I had had a couple of different ultrasounds and saw an adorable moving growing baby. I had told my work I was pregnant and went through all the crap that came with that. And then I started miscarrying the afternoon of Sept 15th while I was in Nashville for work. And then things got worse the next morning and I ended up with a D&C to stop the bleeding. There are just so many bad memories from a year ago.
I have these reminders that my life is not what I thought it would be a year ago. I have now had two losses within the year - both of which were very hard physically on top of the emotional impacts. I don't have much hope currently in having another child. I am not ruling it out, but it isn't an exciting thing anymore - it is scary.
And put that all on top of the fact that my son is turning three and I don't want to overshadow the joy that we have in celebrating another year with him. It is a rough week.