The Gray Area

 For the past two years I have tried to reconcile my thoughts and feelings over Fisher's much needed c-section with my desire for a natural birth.  It is not unusual for women to have a c-section and then regret it.  Or to do research and question if a c-section was ever needed in the first place.  I don't fall into that camp.  I wish I would have had a c-section earlier on.  Go ahead and gasp if you are a natural birth advocate, but please read on....

Prior to having my son I did a ton of research on "unnecesareans" and I really felt like if I could go into labor naturally that I would have a vaginal birth.  I was super excited for labor and was ready to let my amazing body do what it was meant to do. I knew prior to having my son that coming into the world naturally would be the best start for him and for me as his new mother.  I knew that from all the research I had done but I also knew it inside.   It just seemed right to me.  I also knew that in the area I lived in this was very,very unusual.  But I wasn't worried because I had a plan.  My plan was to go into labor naturally and go to the hospital and put up with some BS but by avoiding the induction I would ensure myself at least a vaginal delivery. 

Things didn't end up that way though I did go into labor naturally.  I had been in prodromal labor for a couple of days and when my water broke I went to the hospital like my doctor instructed.  I was happy and felt so excited because I felt like I had won the battle.  I went into labor naturally and thus I was going to avoid major abdominal surgery (inductions increase your c-section chances by 50%)!  I was going to have skin to skin contact immediately after my son was born, get to hold him, look into his eyes, and introduce myself to him.  I was going to breastfeed him and cover him with kisses.  And oh yeah - I was also going to have an easy recovery and get back on my feet quickly because that is what I do. 

Things didn't end up that way either.  I get to the hospital with my water broken and in labor and the nurses pretty much freaked out.   The on call doc came in and introduced himself to me and I didn't see him again for about 18 hours and after I had been pushing for over an hour.  During that 18 hour time period where I didn't see him in person - he was ordering all sorts of things to "fix" my labor.  Pitocin, more pitocin, and more pitocin.  At first I declined because I knew that labors can stall out - but after a little longer I agreed to some pitocin. I thought it would be just enough to send me over the edge and let me push that baby out and move on to the next stage!  Ah, but the pitocin wasn't working and Fisher's heartbeat was decelerating.  So the pitocin was stopped for a while and tried again - he seemed to tolerate it better though I still was not dilating.  So more and more pitocin was ordered.  I was very uncomfortable with it, but I was afraid to say anything, because I am not medically trained.  Just some crunchy wildlife biologist who thinks that she is a mammal or something.  During this time I was never examined by the doctor.  He somehow knew what was going on in my stomach from afar.  After all, it was Sunday. 

So after hours and hours of pitocin hell I finally get to 10 cm and I get to start pushing. It was elated!   I freaking did it - I put up with all the pitocin and not moving but I was going to push my son out and hold him and that would make it all worth it.  Just give me my baby!

Only it didn't happen that way.  I pushed and pushed and pushed.  I worked harder than I knew I could.   The doctor came in after a while and I pushed and pushed some more.  He said he needed to use a vacuum.  I was just ready to be done.  The vacuum seemed to go on forever.  I knew that pushing a baby out could be hard work and take some time, but I started to get the feeling that something wasn't right.  And then the doctor said he thought something was wrong and I needed a c-section.  At this point I KNEW I needed a c-section.  It didn't make sense to me, I had no idea why in the world Fisher wasn't coming out, I knew it wasn't for lack of trying, but I knew that something wasn't right. So I went to the OR completely exhausted but not deflated.  I had done everything I could do and I knew it.  I was going to finally meet my son.

And then my son was born.  He was born beaten up, bruised, swollen, and was whisked away to the NICU.  The OB explained that he had been brow presentation which is why he wouldn't come down the birth canal - it was geometrically impossible.  And that geometric anomaly caused lots of problems.  Fisher had major facial trauma from his face being crushed against my pelvis with every contraction. See, I wasn't dilating for a reason.  I wasn't dilating because my son wasn't positioned properly to make a decent down the birth canal.   My body IS pretty awesome. It didn't fail me at all.  It knew that Fisher couldn't come out the way he was positioned so it didn't dilate past 5 or 6 cm.  But what my body and Fisher wasn't prepared for was the onslaught of fake contractions.  Pitocin induced contractions that after hours and hours, finally pushed his forehead down hard enough to dilate my cervix to 10 while crushing his face.    And the vacuum - the vacuum continued the assault on my son's head.  Pitocin and vacuums are contraindicated for brow presentation babies because it can cause these injuries. And they can also break a baby's back. Thank God that didn't happen. 

So basically, I am in this weird gray area. I am a very natural birth friendly mama that wishes I wouldn't
have even attempted to vaginally deliver my son.  He would have been so much better off. My son needed to be born via c-section as soon as I came into the hospital with my water broken.   Brow presentations can convert to full face or to vertex but if they don't convert they can't be delivered vaginally 99.9% of the time (a lot of medical literature say 100% of the time, but I have found one or two stories in which a brow presentation was delivered vaginally.  Regardless, it is pretty much impossible).   Because of this most OBs recommend a c-section immediately upon diagnosing a brow presentation.   However, that didn't happen because the OB didn't realize my son was malpositioned. 

So where does that leave me?  It leaves me at a place where I feel like the system failed me.  Many women have a realization after a c-section that the system failed them and they maybe could have avoided the c-section.  I am on the other end of the spectrum.  The last thing I wanted was a c-section, but under the circumstances that was the one thing I needed more than anything else.  Does that make me pro c-section now?  Kind of - I am very pro c-section in certain circumstances.  But what I learned from my son's experience is that what was was lacking was the one-on-one care, concern, and attention by a skilled provider.  See, I had convinced myself that I didn't need a provider that really took time to know me and one that I trusted because I was the one having the baby.  The OB was just there to "catch" it.  Most of the time I think women's bodies are amazing and will do exactly what they need to do to birth a baby.  But there is always those exceptions and THAT is why we pay people to be there for us.  To notice signs that something might not be right.  Not to search for problems that don't exist or to start throwing interventions and drugs at women to have them labor according to a schedule. 

The bottom line is I really don't want any other women to experience what I did.  I don't want any babies to be hurt like my son was.  What I want is for women to allow their bodies to do what they were made to do but when an intervention is needed I want it to be noticed and explained.  I want women to be able to trust their caregivers and know that they are being given information about what is best for them and their baby.   There is obviously a time and place for c-sections.   But there is no time or place to assume that all laboring mothers fit a mold and can be "managed" a certain way.    Nine times out of ten it might work, but for that tenth mother and baby it can be life changing.

Doctors have a concensus - finally

After seeing four different specialists at four different hospitals I think we finally have a plan of action for Fisher's nose injuries. All of the surgeons believe that Fisher's nose needs more work but the discrepancy has been what to do and when to do it. We went to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital today and met with an Otolaryngoly Surgeon and his plan matched up with the plan of the pediatric ENT we saw at East Tennessee Children's hospital for the most part and it is one that I feel comfortable with.
We will do nothing now as Fisher seems to be breathing ok and he is definitely growing and active as can be! We will take Fisher to the pediatric ENT at East Tennessee Children's Hospital 4 times a year to monitor his nose and then we will see the surgeon at Vanderbilt once a year. The hope is we can delay nose reconstruction surgery until he is closer to puberty so it can be his last operation. If we do nose reconstruction now we would have to redo it at least one time and possibly several times as he grows - so the longer we can wait the better.
If Fisher gets self conscious about his nose at any point then we can reassess the situation.
I think the highlight of our visit is when the doctor said "I had a similar case I did nasal reconstruction on recently." That stopped me in my tracks - we have never heard of anything similar from any of the doctors and hospitals Fisher has been to. The child the doctor was referring to was older than Fisher and was in some kind of accident that crushed his nose. Poor kid! But just hearing that this doctor has dealt with similar issues was reassuring.
In many ways, I am relieved. I am relieved to finally know that we have a plan and that many of the doctors are in agreement. However, I am not "happy." I hate having surgery looming over us - even if it is several years down the road. And I hate how I am paranoid that his breathing is getting worse or will get worse and I won't realize it. But I am hopeful that since we have a plan I can kind of forget about his nose for a while and just enjoy time with my amazing, crazy, wild, fun loving Super Fish!

I never made a baby book

I never made Fisher a baby book. And I don't think I ever will. The first four months of his life are such a blur of worry, pain, and fright that I don't think I can sit down and pull out the "good" memories to put in a book. Not saying that there aren't good memories, there are lots of good memories but unfortunetly I kind of ignore the good ones because when I think of those I am reminded of the bad ones as well.

It is hard for me to believe that I am 22 months out from his birth and I can still break down into tears when I look at his baby pictures. The pain is still so raw even after 22 months of time passing, counseling, and anxiety medication. It still hurts and in some ways I think it hurts more than it did then. I was in survival mode then. I just got through each day, knowing that Fisher was depending on me. And I also think that in many ways I "survived" by avoiding my feelings at the time - my frustration, anger, resentment - were all masked by the day to day craziness of caring for Fisher. I find now when I have to deal with Fisher's ongoing nose problems I can't avoid those feelings. We are going to a new pediatric ENT tomorrow at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital to get a third opinion. The first two opinions from Cincinatti Children's Hospital and then East Tennessee Children's hospital were vastly different (one recommended surgery now and the other recommended waiting until he was around puberty) and I feel like we need a third opinion to hopefully give us direction. So tomorrow I have to go to yet another doctor and explain what happened. I have to take pictures. The pictures that I don't show anyone because they break my heart. I have take those pictures and show a doctor, explain what happened and what didn't happen, and then hear another doctor tell me how unusual this is and how they have never seen anything like it and aren't sure of what to do.
Or maybe it will be different? But the last four times we have seen specialists I had my hopes up only to hear the same thing - unusual and not sure what to do. So I don't really have my hopes up this time. I am usually an optomist. I try to look on the bright side, because I don't want anyone to ever thing I am not grateful for our amazing son. But for some reason tonight looking through pictures to decide what pictures to take to the new doctor I am not feeling very optomistic. I am sad. I am hurt. I am heartbroken that 22 months out we are dealing with injuries that could have and should have been prevented.

Ode to my first house

Today we closed on the sale of our first house. What a bittersweet process. I love this house, I loved this house when I stepped in the door way 3.5 years ago and knew it was our house. Though the house was built in 1941, we were only it's second owners. The original owners were also the builders and they built it with love and attention to detail. When we closed on the buying of the house the old man took me around the property and told me lots of stories about it and then when he left he said to me "I am so happy you bought this house, I hope it will be a great place for you to start your family" And it truly has been. In the three short years we have lived here our lives have changed and been enriched in amazing ways. This is the house where Shawn and I passed the all important test that led us down the road of being parents. We stood in the kitchen and couldn't believe that we were going to be parents and couldn't have been more excited.

This is where Shawn and I watched my belly grow and we documented it in front of the arched doorway to the dining room.
Here I am at 37 weeks -


This is the house we brought our amazing baby boy home too. This is where the three of us got to know each other as mother, father, and son.

This is the place that many of my friends and family first met Fisher. One memory that is a favorite of mine is when my aunts, Teresa and Jonna, brought my grandmother, Nana here to meet Fisher for the first time. I was so proud to show off my little boy. My Nana has since passed away and one of my favorite all time memories of her is the picture below - her rocking her first and only (so far!) great grandson.

And of course all the big firsts in Fisher's life - rolling over, crawling, walking, talking took place here. The big first birthday bash was celebrated in our little house.


So yes, it is just a house but I am obviously emotionally tied to it. We no longer own the house but I know the memories that we have here will last our lifetime. I just hope the new owners don't burn it down while frying a turkey like they did their last house.

Mama worries

One of the things I have heard over and over from many different moms is that I should prepare to worry about my child (or children) their entire lives - it never stops. In the short 16 months that I think I have been pretty normal in the fact that I have worried about many things - some completely valid, some not so much. As Fisher grows and develops I think back to some of my earlier worries and laugh. I already wish I could go back in time and tell my new mama self not to worry so much! I am sure I will have those feelings over and over again throughout my mamahood career. What I have learned already is that the majority of the things I have worried about are non-issues. The first few months when we had Fisher sleeping in our room to monitor his breathing, I worried that he would be 15 years old and still sleeping in our room. At four months he outgrew the cradle, got the go ahead from the doctor to be in a room by himself, and slept better than ever in his own crib in his own room. No reason to worry.
I was worried that Fisher wouldn't be able to roll over, crawl, walk, and meet the developmental milestones because he couldn't do tummy time for the first several months. I even took him to the doctor when he was 3 months old to discuss my worries. The doctor was kind and did a full evaluation and then assured me that I had no reason to worry at all. He was developing as a normal 3 month old baby. And of course Fisher crawled at 6ish months and walked at 10.5 months. Again, a non-issue.
I guess it never ends because the other day I was reading a toddler book and it mentioned that toddlers should be able to point to a certain number of body parts by 18 or 24 months. I had a panic moment. My son is 16 months old and I haven't started on the body parts! Worst mom in the world. Would Fisher ever get it? So that day (which happened to be about 3 days ago) I started with "Fisher, where is your belly?" and showed him. About two minutes later he was doing it when asked. I then did toes, ears, nose, and head...all of which he has picked up and has been proudly pointing to when asked the last few days. I could repeat this type of story with his talking, his sleeping, adjustment to daycare, napping, and a thousand other things that I suddenly worried about, only to realize once I relaxed and let Fisher develop on his own - he surpassed my limited expectations.
I am daily amazed by what he has figured out, what he is putting together, what he is learning. Now if I could do a little learning of my own - I need to remember to relax and enjoy my amazing little boy and save the worrying to real issues.

Bye, bye mullet

Fisher may look just like his daddy, but I think he got my hair. That poor child had the makings of a pretty righteous mullet from day one and over the months it has crept farther and farther from cute baby hair and closer and closer into serious mullet territory. Add that to the fact that Fisher is an extremely messy eater (as are most 15 month olds that I know) and Fisher's napkin of choice is the back of his head. Seriously, that child does not eat without sharing his nutrition with his hair. And you can imagine how much he loves having crusty food brushed out of his hair. Yeah, not so much. So, it was time to cut the mullet. We tried to put it off for as long as we could because as Shawn said Fisher's curls had a "George Washington Charm." Who wouldn't want that?

The Before


However, the George Washington Charm came to an end on Saturday. We took Fisher in for his first hair cut with an entourage of 6 people - my two sisters, my niece, my brother-in-law, and of course Shawn and myself. We went to Cookie Cutters in Lexington which is a kids only hair cutting place. What a neat place! They have video games and a slide for kids to play on while waiting. Kids can pick what car or horse they want to sit on while they are getting their hair cut and they get to watch cartoons the whole time.
Fisher chose the Firetruck. He got in it, was content sitting there for about 2 seconds until the hair stylist wet his hair down to cut. If there is one thing Fisher doesn't like - it is getting his hair wet....so you can imagine what was next. A little crying, a little wiggling, a little fussing. One balloon and a sucker later he was content enough to complete the right of passage.
And bam - my baby was no longer a baby. Even though I have been warned by so many people - I was still shocked at the difference one hair cut made. Fisher may look very different, but he is quite the handsome devil, if I do say so myself :)
It was a little bittersweet, but I am honestly glad it is over. I couldn't imagine trying to contain Fisher in a chair long enough to have a sharp object cutting at his head - but the stylist at Cookie Cutters was amazing and was so fast. So another biggie is in the books (or in the blog) - the first hair cut is now behind us. What is next? College graduation??

The after - my handsome young man -

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

Another year in the books (almost) and along with most of the other folks I know I am looking back at the good, the bad, and the ugly of 2010 and looking forward to 2011 and hoping and praying that it will be a great year for my family.
Some of my highlights of 2010 -
Fisher had no nose surgeries in 2010. He was scheduled to have several but I struggled with deciding to do more or not. He had four nose surgeries in 2009 which opened his nose up enough to breathe, and then the ENT totally it up to me to decide if we should do more. He said I was the one that was around Fisher all the time and understand his breathing more than anyone else. So I brought in 2010 by canceling a nose surgery and then sitting on pins and needles for weeks wondering if I did the right thing. I am glad to say, I did! Though he will likely need more surgery in the future, he did awesome without it this year and is a truly happy, healthy, thriving, little boy. I think going with my gut and making this decision helped me get my parenting wings and I am a more confident, more self assured mom now going into 2011.
Shawn also came into his own as a dad. He matured and grew throughout the year and learned a lot in the process. Shawn had his first experience being alone for multiple days with Fisher early in 2010 and he did great. Since then I have taken many, many work trips and came home to two happy guys each time.
We also found out this year that we will be moving to Knoxville for my job. We are excited about living in Knoxville but have been busy and stressed getting our house in Kentucky ready for the market. I am happy to say that it is now officially listed but I will be even happier in 2011 when I can say it is officially sold.
In 2010 I also said goodbye to my Nana, I still have a hard time thinking about living in Knoxville without her there. I know we will miss her a lot in the coming year as we can established down there.
So what does 2011 hold for me and my family? I pray 2011 brings good health for me and my entire family. 2010 we have dealt with miscarriages, leukemia, heart problems, and multiple other ailments in my family. I hope that 2011 is a much healthier year all around! And I hope that sometime in 2011 Shawn and I will have things stable enough to try for our second son or daughter. We hope to have two children (though I seriously want three, but we can't really afford it) and would like them to be close together in age. Plus we aren't getting any younger :) So we will see. We have to get this move behind us and Shawn needs to get a teaching job in Knoxville. I guess that is why people like the New Year - there is always the hope that this year will be a great year. A year of health, happiness, and fruitfulness. I hope all of my friends and family have exactly that and even more.
Happy New Year everyone!

Randomness

I am in the mood to write. Probably just a last ditch effort to procrastinate on working on the house, but whatever I am going to roll with it for a few minutes.
Speaking of the house. Oh my goodness, I feel like getting this darn house on the market has been drug out for years. In reality it has been drug out for about a month and a half thanks to our neighbors and their junk. The good news is, the junk is cleaned up! The bad news - our house is not ready - we need to put all the Christmas stuff away, super clean again, clean the carpets and the sun room. Which we can hopefully get finished today....if I get off the computer and get my butt to work!
But first -
We had a nice Christmas. It was definitely different doing Christmas at my own house and not at the farm with my parents and sisters. Having a toddler this Christmas as compared to a 3 month old last Christmas is about one million times more fun! Even though he doesn't really understand all the Christmas happenings he does understand opening presents and he did get excited about each one. He also ripped into a few of his presents early, which of course we just thought was cute. Fisher did get sick on Christmas day. Actually, he started getting sick a few days before Christmas. I noticed on Christmas Eve,Eve he was pulling at his right ear. I called my sister (a nurse practitioner) and she said that even it if was an ear infection it was probably viral and we probably needed to wait it out. Fast forward to Christmas day. We noticed after lunch he was a little warm and started giving him some tylenol. By five he was even warmer and I decided I better run to the only drugstore that was open and get him some ibuprofen too, just in case. I am glad I did because we battled a 102 - 103 fever all night long. It was a really rough night, he was up every hour or two screaming inconsolably. He slept with us for a couple of hours and then woke up burning up. I monitored his temperature all night, telling myself that as long as he didn't get to 104 then he was ok. Thankfully, he didn't. On Sunday I called my sister and she said that having a temperature that high was not normal for a virus and it was probably bacterial and I needed to get him checked out. So we went to urgent care and sure enough, he has an ear infection in his right ear. This is his first ear infection and I have to say - I am surprised how sick it made him!
I guess my random time wasting should come to an end. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and an even better New Year!

A Christmas First.

It hit me today, that this is the first Christmas in my 31 years that I have not been at my parents house. This year we did our traveling to visit family the week before Christmas and met up my sisters at our parents farm the weekend before Christmas. We did all of our usual family Christmas traditions (eating Chinese food on our "Christmas Eve", the full Christmas meal, presents, etc) just a week early. Which means that Shawn, Fisher, and I are own our own at our own house this Christmas. Which is actually really nice in a lot of ways, we had the most relaxing Christmas week ever, since all the stressful last minute shopping for family, for food, traveling, etc was behind us. Ironically, I sprained my ankle and then got a virus, so I spent the majority of the week resting and recouping. I am so glad that we had the traveling behind us, there is no way I could have traveled this week being as sick as I was.
Anyway, I digress....so it is Christmas Eve and it is the three of us for the first time. We hung out and watched some Star Wars movies, which Shawn says is our new tradition - we will watch Star Wars movies on Christmas Eve, if you know Shawn you know he is always looking for an excuse to watch Star Wars movies. I made steak for dinner and whole wheat chocolate chip cookies for dessert. Then we played some music and we danced. I love to watch Fisher dance, he cracks me up, I could watch him dance all day!
After Fisher went to bed we put together his toddler 4-wheeler Santa got him and now we have cleaned up and are ready for tomorrow. Tomorrow we plan on opening presents (of course), making Christmas dinner, and spending the day in our pjs again!
Part of me likes doing the Christmas thing, just us. But part of me misses the familiarity and comfort of the Christmas traditions with my parents. However, I know that we will develop our own family traditions and that is exciting to me.
I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!!

A day 14 months in the making.

Today was a big day for me. A day that I have been dreading, putting off, ignoring, and avoiding for 14 months. Today I had a meeting with a lawyer involving Fisher's birth trauma and injuries. I was hoping that if I avoided the issue it would go away. We would pay the medical bills, Fisher would be fine, and we could move on. Alas, that hasn't happened. So I met with a lawyer today just to see if we have a case. I know that things went wrong at Fisher's labor and delivery. I know that my medical records are not representative of what happened - but what I don't know is why things went wrong, why my medical records aren't correct, why Fisher had to suffer. I didn't know if we had a case or if was just the proverbial "one of those things."
So today I took all of my medical records, all of Fisher's NICU records, his Ear, Nose, and Throat records, and pictures of his birth injuries to a lawyer that specializes in birth injuries. I told a very brief overview of Fisher's story. Just the bare bones basics. Explained that his medical records and mine do not match up. His NICU records describe all of his injuries in detail and why they occurred - my records describe me going into labor, Fisher being vertex presentation, I didn't progress, and therefore had a c-section. This is entirely not true. I wish it were the case, I really do, because if that was what happened then I wouldn't be seeing a lawyer today. Unfortunately, putting it in my records that way does not explain the days in the NICU, the four surgeries he has had, the trips to specialists and Children's hospital out of state, or his future surgeries. I said all this to the lawyer who listened patiently...and then I pulled out a few pictures of Fisher's first days that I had brought with me. As soon as he saw the pictures the lawyer said "Unbelievable, we will definitely look into this. This is entirely unacceptable and inexcusable." My sentiments exactly. Just knowing that I have not been overacting and that an actual birth injury lawyer thinks what happened to Fisher is ridiculous and was unwarranted was so empowering. Hearing the lawyer say those words was an extremely emotional moment for me.
So what's next? The lawyer is going to review my case in more detail. He is going to talk with a medical expert and they will get back to me soon to let me know if they decide to take the case. So it isn't definite he will take the case, but from our discussions, I think he will. Even if he doesn't, I am so glad I went today. I healed a little. I took a little piece of power back that I have been giving to the OB for the past 14 months. I feel a little stronger and a little braver and a little less like a victim. It is a step in the right direction for so many reasons - to get my medical records corrected, for Fisher, and for me.

Memories flooding in...

I have dealt with all the situations, problems, scares, and fears surrounding Fisher's birth and the few months after so differntly than I have ever handled anything in my life. My normal way of dealing with things is to take them at face value, process them, reconcile them in my mind, and move on. However, I have found that I am doing the exact opposite with Fisher's birth, injuries, and surgeries. It seems that I dealt with things the best way I knew how at the time, just to get through it, but never really processed it. It also seems that as each "one year ago" event comes around I am finally dealing with them, thinking about them, processing them. And to be completely honest, it sucks. I would much rather be able to handle this as I have ever thing else in my life, but I can't. I feel the sadness, the fear, and the anxiety. I have learned from going to counseling that I haven't processed these memories, feelings, and experiences yet and I need to do that so I can move on.
The year anniversary of Fisher's first nose surgeries are no different. The last few days I have been thinking about this over and over. I can honestly say I am in awe of how Shawn and I handled things last year. We were so calm and matter of fact. We took things as they came, without really questioning or getting too mad. I know now that we were totally in survival mode. I was dealing with lots of health problems myself, was in continous pain, and was worried about my own body recovering from the birth. But that was definitely on the back burner, I was very worried about my 6 week old son. We realized that babies only breathe through their nose and they do not have the ablity to breathe through their mouths yet. Fisher's nares were very, very small from scar tissue as a result of his birth trauma. His nose flaired in and out and made a raspy sound with each breathe. It seemed to take too much effort to breathe. The Pediatric Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor was obviously concerned about this and asked us many times if we had noticed his lips or finger nails turning blue. I racked my brain, trying to think if we had ever noticed a blue tint. What if I had missed it? What if he turned blue when I thought he was sleeping? Would my son be forever damamged from a lack of oxygen? Would he stop breathing at night? My brain had continious questions going through it, but I never vocalized them. I just answered the ENTs questions as best I could.
Then the ENT asked if he seems to have trouble nursing. Does he stop latching and gasp for air? Again - I didn't think so, but this is my first child. I hadn't really paid attentiont to babies breastfeeding before. Did he do it right? Was he having trouble breathing while eating? I remember wanting to ask the ENT to watch Fisher breastfeed to make sure I wasn't missing something. It was torturous to be a new mom, definitely at the bottom of the learning curve and being asked questions that I honestly wasn't sure about. I didn't have the confidence to know that I was doing everything ok for a healthy baby - much less a baby with problems.
I was so worried I was going to miss something because of my inexperience.
The ENT decided that Fisher needed nose surgery to try to increase the size of his nares. He scheduled the surgery for a Monday, which was about a week away. However, the ENT himself called me back that night after we saw him and said that he would rather do the surgery as soon as possible. He said he couldn't live with himself if something happened to Fisher before his scheduled surgery day. So we had Fisher's surgery done the next day. It was scary to have Fisher go under anesthesia at six weeks old, but at the same time it was relieving, because I felt like once his first surgery was over I could breathe a little easier.
Fast forward to yesterday....I was in the doctor's office with Fisher for a routine childhood sickness (coughing/wheezing). We were waiting in a room to see the doctor and in and adjacent room a little boy was inconsible. I could tell by his screams and cries that he was much older than Fisher. It shook me to the core. It was like I was sent back one year ago when I was in the waiting room waiting on word from the doctor that Fisher's nose surgery was over. Before I saw the doctor, a nurse came running up to me and said "Are you Fisher's mother? Follow me, he needs you" On the way to the recovery room she explained to me that he was inconsible and there was nothing anyone could do calm him down. She said he needed his mama. I could hear him from a long way off crying in a way that I have never heard, it was absolutely frantic. I was nervous because I didn't know what he would look like after surgery. On the walk to him I was almost in tears myself, but as soon as I got to him, Mama Mode kicked in. I took him in my arms and held him, talked to him, loved him, and I did not shed one tear. He needed me right then, he needed me to be strong, he needed me to comfort him first, and not worry about my own fears and feelings. And I did, I held him, I nursed him, I loved him, I tried to warm him up, and he slowly starting calming down. He then went to the Pediatric ICU for the night to make sure he was stable after surgery. From that first surgery for the next 6 weeks he had 3 additional surgeries, many doctor's visits, and the whole time I was afraid to sleep. I was afraid his nasal stents would get clogged while I was sleeping and I wouldn't hear him. But we trudged on. Most people never knew how worried I was. They never knew that I would lay awake exhausted but listening to Fisher sleep because if they asked me how I was doing I would say we were doing good. I would say how awesome Fisher is, and how he takes everything like a champ. Becuase he was and he did.
But now, one year later I am in a doctor's office for something so minor and all the memories came flooding in. It is my opinion that we did what we needed to do to get through the tough time. But I guess we still have to come to terms with everything personally, and in our own way. Writing definitely seems to be helping me process everything, come to terms with what happened, how I felt then, how I feel now, and how I hope I feel in the future.

Early bedtimes

OK, One year ago I sure didn't think I would be complaining that my son sleeps too much! And I guess I am not really complaining, but chalk it up to one more thing I didn't quite expect.
Fisher's bedtime has gotten earlier and earlier! He is now 13 months old and goes to bed at 6 pm. His bedtime used to be 8, then we backed it to 7:30 because he seemed to get sleepy earlier. When he started daycare we moved it to 7:00 because he only takes one nap a day there compared to two naps he took at home. Then we moved it to 6:30, because we could tell he was worn out. And then while I was on my work trip Shawn started putting him to bed at 6:00 as he was tired that early! And when he is tired he is miserable and nothing makes him happy, so the early bedtime seems like a necessity. He does sleep through the night until about 7 am, so I am DEFINITELY not complaining about that. If babies were born being able to sleep through the night I might have a whole quiverfull myself, so I guess as far as population control goes - it is probably good they are so rough those first few months. Anyway - so this is our day. Fisher wakes up at 7ish, I get him ready for daycare - take him usually about 8 and then pick him up by 4. We bring him home, he eats a snack, we play outside, then he eats dinner at 5ish, then bath, then bed. He goes right to sleep, no fussing or complaining. Again, I am not complaining about that - I love that he is a great sleeper, but I miss him! I only have about 3 or 4 waking hours with him a day, so I want to pack it full of fun and snuggles.
I try to get finished with work as soon as possible so I can go get him and enjoy our time together. I do know that he really is loving daycare and gets so happy each morning when he sees his little friends. But I also look forward to the weekends when I get him all to myself all day long!
I am sure sooner than later he will start fighting bed time and I will think relish these days of early bedtimes with no fuss. And believe me if we have another baby I will definitely be counting the days down until they sleep through the night. But for now, I have to admit, I walk up stairs at night and watch him sleep. I sometimes hope he wakes up so I can cuddle him back to sleep.

Home!

I am home from my work trip! I ended up being gone only 10 days as things went ahead of schedule. Overall things went great and were much easier than I expected on all fronts. On the home front - Shawn did AWESOME and did not even call me or complain one time that he was tired, needed a break, etc. I am sure he couldn't say the same thing about me if the roles were reversed for 10 days. Fisher did great too. Shawn said they really had a great time and I think it was good for all three of us.
On the work front - things went awesome too! This was a unique situation - I am the Kentucky Rabies Wildlife Biologist and the Tennessee Rabies Biologist recently took another job so I have stepped in and been heading up the TN rabies duties for the last few months. The vaccine bait distribution that I was gone for was in TN, so I was stepping in and heading up something with people that aren't used to working with me. However the guys down there were awesome and treated me great and things went very smooth. We got all the rabies vaccines out (we were driving around distributing rabies vaccines coated in a fishmeal block that is attractive to raccoons) in all of the TN cities that are too populated to fly and drop vaccines on. More info found if you are interested.
http://www.aphis.usda.gov/ws/rabies/vaccine.html

So I am home and I swear Fisher grew! And he walks backwards as well as forward now. That is something he figured out in the past 10 days. He was definitely excited to see me and has been my shadow since I got home. He is also officially weaned. Which wasn't too bad on either of us I don't think. He was down to nursing once a day, so I didn't get engorged while I was gone (thank goodness) and he seemed to do fine in the transition as well.

So we all three made it. And I think it was good for all of us. I think it was good for Fisher and Shawn to be on there own for a while - there relationship is continually developing and changing. I also think it was good for me - everytime I remind myself that I really can do this - travel, work, and be a mom - I feel so blessed and happy with my life.

This one is for the dads!

4 days into my 12 day work trip.....

So far so good. The days are so busy - we are up at 6ish eating breakfast and then out working by 8. After a long day we usually don't get back to the motel until 6 or so and then it is time to shower, eat dinner, and then go to bed. Even with the busy schedule I am still constantly thinking at 7:00 - I bet Fisher is waking up now. 11:00 - Fisher is eating lunch, and so on. He and Shawn are never far from my mind.
I am so thankful that I have such a great husband who coincidentally is an amazing daddy. I am so thankful that I can be gone for 12 days and not worry about Fisher. I hate when people gasp and say "I couldn't leave my child for that long" because it isn't like I am leaving my son with a teenager or a felon. My son is with his dad and I really don't think he is any less of a parent than I am. Sure, I made sure all the laundry was done before I left (laundry is really the only household chore that is "mine"), I went grocery shopping before I left (another duty that I usually do), and I tried to leave Fisher and Shawn in a way that would make this next two weeks as easy on both of them as possible. And I have to admit, I was a little worried when I left because SURELY my son would miss me and be inconsolable at times, right? I am his MAMA! And BTW - call it cruel or what - but he is simultaneously getting weaned from breastfeeding during the trip (though he was down to nursing one time a day, on his own). But no, when I talk to Shawn on the phone Fisher and him are outside playing, or he is feeding Fisher, or they are watching HBO family together, or he is telling me how long Fisher slept for a nap I realize that Fisher is just fine without me. He is happy and healthy and doing his normal things....with his daddy.
Shawn is a proud daddy. One of his facebook friends posted something about not liking babies and called them aliens and parasites and Shawn took it personally. Which I thought was awesome, because in all honesty, I would take it personally too (Aw hell no, I know you just didn't call me son an alien!! lol). Shawn told the girl that he thought it was wrong of her to make such a blanket statement and that she wouldn't say something like that about a particular ethnicity, gender, or nationality so he didn't understand why she could declare hatred for an entire segment of our population.
So the moral of the story is - I am impressed by the dad that Shawn is and is becoming. Over the past year he has impressed me over and over as I have seen him in a different light than ever before. He went from being my best friend, husband, comedian, antagonist, cheerleader,and partner in crime to being all that plus Fisher's dad. This new role is pretty awesome because I already loved my best friend, husband, antagonist, cheerleader, partner in crime - but by adding Fisher's daddy to the mix I get a whole new reason to fall in love all over again. So thank you Shawn.

The dreaded runny nose

Fisher has his first runny nose and cold. No big deal,right? Well, this is something we have been dreading since he was born over a year ago. Fisher has very small nares (nose holes) because of scar tissue built up from his birth injuries. He has had four surgeries to try to increase the size of his nares. The ENT put stents in to stretch out his nose holes - it was not fun to say the least trying to take care of an infant that had plastic tubes sticking out from his nose. Anytime anything touched them (a shirt, toy,etc) he was in immediate pain. And would cry in a way that I haven't seen him cry since (thank goodness). There was no way he could take bottles with the stents in his nose, as the nipple would hit his stents. Luckily I was nursing him and had learned to nurse him in a way to protect his nose when he was first born. There was no nursing in public or snoozing while nursing Fisher with stents - I had to be very aware of everything or I would hurt his nose. And then there was the fun part of having to suction out the stents every 2 hours...day and night. Glad that is over for now and certainly dread doing it again in a year or two.

Fisher with stents



Within 48 hours of removing the stents the scar tissue around his nares shrunk back and now he again has very small nose holes. They are slightly bigger than they were before the first surgery. We discussed putting stents back in after his nares shrunk, but he was 13 weeks old and by this time most babies can breathe out of their mouths some (not solely). Did you realize infants are not able to breathe out of their mouths? I didn't. I quickly learned and spent many hours worrying about Fisher's nose and counting the days until he was 12 weeks old (the time when most babies can mouth breathe some). I think I exhaled for the first time when Fisher was 12 weeks old. By six month most babies can breathe out of their mouths like adults. That was another important "milestone" for us. Anyway - during all this time Fisher's doctors made it very clear to us how dangerous it would have been for Fisher to get sick. Even a runny nose would have put him in the hospital. Needless to say our plans to put Fisher in daycare were delayed. We only took Fisher into public for doctor's visits and even then we often kept him in the car until he was able to go into a room (some other day I will have to write about the time Shawn about punched a guy at a doctor's office who got mad at us for waiting out in the hall instead of the PACKED waiting room full of sick children in the midst of the flu outbreak last fall. We did not go back to that doctor and ended up going to a better one anyway!). We ourselves avoided public as much as possible because we were afraid of bringing something home. Not exactly the fun time showing off our new baby as I had envisioned, but I wasn't thinking along those lines at that time. We were just doing whatever we could do to protect our little guy. And I a happy to say it worked! Fisher was healthy his entire first year. By the way - after Fisher was 12 weeks old we slowly returned to a "normal" life and we enjoyed the little things like going grocery shopping as a family and eating out.
And then we started Fisher in daycare....no shock that he has his first cold complete with runny nose. And though I am very thankful that he is old enough to breathe out of his mouth and I am not worried about his safety - dealing something as mundane and simple as a runny nose has been no walk in the park. His nares are small to start with - just to give you an idea, the bulb syringe that you use to suck snot out of babies is about two times too big to fit in his nares. And when someone has a runny nose, their nose tissue swells - which is something that most people don't notice or realize. Since Fisher has small nares to start with - his nares are now even smaller. His pediatrician explained that we need to keep his nasal passage as moist as possible, so we have been trying to use saline. However, his nares are way too small for the applicator on the saline bottle - so I end up trying to shoot the saline up his nose and it seems to go anywhere but his nose. Did I mention that Fisher FREAKS out anytime we get within a foot of his nose with anything - a washcloth, saline, tissue? Not fun. All weekend long I have been fighting him to wipe his nose and then squirt saline up there. I am pretty impressed that Fisher can put up such a fight against someone several times he size!
While this weekend has not been fun to say the least - I am so thankful that this did not happen a year ago. I am so thankful that his runny nose is an inconvenience and not dangerous. And in a weird way, I am kind of relieved. This has been something we have dreaded for over a year, something that his pediatrician and pediatric ENT both admitted they weren't sure how Fisher's breathing would be affected by him being sic. So I guess I am relieved that the big unknown isn't unknown anymore.

Happy Birthday Fisher!

If you know me, you know that I am very rarely at a loss for words. But I am now. There really are no words sufficient to express all I am feeling today on my son's first birthday. What a rollercoaster of a year - so many highs and quite a few lows. I don't think most people realized how low some of those lows were - I had a lot of fears that I didn't express too often to too many people. But the highs, I loved sharing the highs with everyone like only a proud mama can do!
So today is Fisher's first birthday. He was born at 2:47 am on Sept 14th 2009. Born to parents that loved him and wanted him so much, but had a lot to learn! We did it though - together the three of us learned and grew. We survived the first year as parents and Fisher survived his first year having us as parents.
Fisher is now a happy, healthy toddler. He walks around smiling and pointing at almost everything. When he wants to know what something is, he grabs my finger and points at it. He loves cats, dogs, balls, and his cousin Emerson. He giggles and runs from you when you chase him. He has added something to my life that I didn't even know was missing (hence waiting until I was 30 to have my first kid! lol). Happy Birthday Fisher! As Shawn said, we look forward to celebrating many more birthdays with you in the years to come!

Fisher's First Birthday - Slideshow Creator

The impact of September 13th 2009

One of the things in life I have always looked forward to was going into spontaneous labor. There are so few surprises in our world and not knowing when you are going into labor just seemed so cool (and it was!). I enjoyed that every time I called my family or friends right before my due date I had to answer the phone with "I am not in labor."
One year ago from today I got my moment of excitement. My due date was 5 days away and I had been walking a lot to try to get things going, naturally. It was working - I was having tons of Braxton Hicks contractions and had found out at the last several OB appointments that things were progressing. On Sunday morning, Sept 13th at about 4:45 am I woke up because my water broke. It wasn't a gush, but I had NO doubt that is what it was. It was weird to be so sure about something you have never experienced, but I was. So I got out of bed, didn't wake up Shawn, and went to the bathroom. I just took a moment for myself and had a HUGE smile on my face - this was it!!! I was soooooooo excited, I was suddenly more awake than I had ever been and kept thinking that our lives will never be the same. I walked back into the bedroom and said to Shawn "My water broke!" He wears a CPAP mask to sleep and was mumbling with the mask on. He was so out of it and so asleep and he kept talking through the mask, I finally said "you might as well take your mask off because we are having a baby!"
I remember all the details so vividly from that morning - the excitement in our voices as we showered and got ready to go to the hospital. The moments we relished before we called our family, knowing that we were the only ones that knew at that moment our son was officially on his way to make us a family of three. I remember forcing myself to eat a little breakfast on the way to the hospital because I knew they had a no eating policy (so stupid) and I also knew I needed energy. When I think back to these seemingly insignificant details I can still feel the rush of excitement and joy in all of our moves.
Though I remember the good things and the excitement, I can't help but be reminded that one year ago my precious,perfect baby boy was getting the crap beat out of him and no one knew it. With every contraction I had his face was being smashed and crushed into my pelvis. Instead of his chin being tucked against his chest and his crown presenting (coming first), his head was flexed and his forehead was coming first. And no one knew it. Malpresentations (presentations other than crown first - such as breech) occur in less than 4% of labors. And the brow presentation is the rarest of all the malpresentations. So in reality there is a 0.001 chance of having a brow presentation. As rare as it is, the consequences of brow presentation going undiagnosed can be dangerous as we soon found out. And at the same time I feel so incredibly blessed because with the way my labor was managed Fisher could have fared much, much worse.
I look at my son today who is one day shy of turning one year old and I am so impressed by him. He has taken everything in stride from even before he was born and just seems to deal with the cards he has been dealt. When the doctors and nurses told us that he wouldn't be able to eat and would most likely need a feeding tube - he proved them wrong. When the nurses explained that he probably wouldn't breastfeed after his nose surgeries - he didn't listen. When the doctors told me that he would likely be delayed on some milestones due to us having to restrict his movement the first four months - he taught us to not underestimate him.
So many factors that have been apart of this first year of Fisher's life were set for him on Sept 13th, 2009. The day before he was actually born. While Fisher will most likely have a few more surgeries in the future, I pray that his birth injuries will be completely behind him before he is old enough to really remember the surgeries. But me, I know for the rest of my life I will think back to Sept 13th 2009 and be flooded with memories - both the good and the bad. Hopefully as the years pass I can focus more and more on the good, innocent memories of walking into the hospital in labor, holding my husband's hand, feeling the cool fall air, and hearing the birds greet us, knowing that when we walked out of that hospital our lives would forever be more full and rich.

What a difference a year makes

As Shawn and I creep closer and closer to Fisher's first birthday I am reminded more and more how different our lives are from one year ago. Actually, this entire past year I have thought over and over again "This time last year I was doing...." I heard "having a child changes everything" ad nauseum. But like many of things that I grew tired of hearing while I was pregnant, I have learned for myself that this too was true.
So this time last year I was very pregnant and very excited about meeting Fisher. He was strong and healthy kicking away in my belly. Shawn and I were relishing the last few days of just the two of us by watching lots of college football. We were hoping that Fisher wouldn't make his appearance until after the first football Saturday. Which he was nice enough to oblige to. He actually waited and let us enjoy two football Saturdays before starting his long and dramatic entrance into this world on a Sunday morning.
Shawn ended up getting really sick and I had to take him to the Emergency Room in the middle of the night the week before I went into labor. I will never forget sitting in the ER with Shawn having the strongest Braxton Hicks contractions I had ever had worrying that I was going to go into labor and Shawn was going to be in the ER. That didn't happen - again Fisher obliged and let Shawn get healthy before his appearance.
A year ago I woke up whenever I felt like it. I got up and did what I wanted without considering anyone else. I would pack for work trips in 15 minutes and take off without thinking twice. Being gone for weeks at a time was no big deal. A year ago my daily schedule didn't include being at home for nap time. I would go work out whenever I felt like it. I was able to fit everything Shawn and I needed for a weekend into a duffel bag - now when we go somewhere for a weekend we fill up the trunk.
This time last year I knew that I would love being a mom. I knew that I would love Fisher. A year ago though - I had no idea how much.

Parents say the darndest things....

Sometimes I say things to Fisher and even I can't believe they come out of my mouth. And what I find the funniest is that I say them completely calm and rational and then it hits me what I said.
Today I have had a few gems of ridiculousness. The following things have come out of my mouth (directed at Fisher - who incidentally enough is only 11.5 months old and hopefully has no clue what I am saying)

"Don't pull your penis off, you may need it one day."

"I am sure there are many babies in Africa that would love to have a clean diaper."


In other news - Fisher is now a walker. I have found from my own experience (n=1) that there is a gray area between the first steps and when the kid is a walker. When I was calling around to daycares the last few weeks they inevitably asked me if Fisher walks. And there was this awkward moment and then I said "yes...well, kind of" because he was walking, just not all the time, or even most of the time. As of today I have decided that that awkwardness is over and he is officially a walker. He still crawls some, but he is definitely preferring the walking and has actually just spend the last 30 minutes parading around the living room showing off his skills.

And Shawn just said to me "You ought to write in your blog how you have a good husband that cleans the house." And so I did.

Blessed to be a Working Mom

Yes, I said it. I am officially 11 months into this motherhood thing and though I love it more than I even imagined I still *gasp* love my job. Last year while I was pregnant I spent way too many hours reading forums, baby boards, working mother websites, etc and the general consensus seemed to be working is horrible when you are a mom. I don't know how many times I have read "I am blessed to be a stay at home mom." And I wondered - after I had Fisher would I suddenly do a 180 and not want to work the job that both Shawn and I have sacrificed for? We have moved several times so I could be a wildlife biologist, got married though we were living in two different states, and lived apart for three years. I can honestly say that I was a little concerned about having a baby and then not wanting to work anymore, because financially that is not an option. So I am almost a year into this thing and I can honestly say that I am blessed to be a working mom! I love my job as much as I ever have and I love my son more than I ever realized I could. I know now that there is room in my heart for both. And in my life. I am truly blessed to work for a great agency that was very supportive during my pregnancy and all the complications that followed labor and delivery. Looking back at that time I can not imagine having to deal with all we were dealing with and have to be worried about my job on top of everything.
I know that having an incredibly supportive husband that also happens to be a pretty great dad makes this possible. I love that I can travel for days at a time (and in the very near future I will be gone for 10 - 12 days!) and not worry about Fisher. And I also think that Fisher's mellow attitude helps out a lot as well.
So there it is - it is now on the internets so it must be true - It is possible to be a mom and love your job. Anyone else feel that way?