Memories flooding in...

I have dealt with all the situations, problems, scares, and fears surrounding Fisher's birth and the few months after so differntly than I have ever handled anything in my life. My normal way of dealing with things is to take them at face value, process them, reconcile them in my mind, and move on. However, I have found that I am doing the exact opposite with Fisher's birth, injuries, and surgeries. It seems that I dealt with things the best way I knew how at the time, just to get through it, but never really processed it. It also seems that as each "one year ago" event comes around I am finally dealing with them, thinking about them, processing them. And to be completely honest, it sucks. I would much rather be able to handle this as I have ever thing else in my life, but I can't. I feel the sadness, the fear, and the anxiety. I have learned from going to counseling that I haven't processed these memories, feelings, and experiences yet and I need to do that so I can move on.
The year anniversary of Fisher's first nose surgeries are no different. The last few days I have been thinking about this over and over. I can honestly say I am in awe of how Shawn and I handled things last year. We were so calm and matter of fact. We took things as they came, without really questioning or getting too mad. I know now that we were totally in survival mode. I was dealing with lots of health problems myself, was in continous pain, and was worried about my own body recovering from the birth. But that was definitely on the back burner, I was very worried about my 6 week old son. We realized that babies only breathe through their nose and they do not have the ablity to breathe through their mouths yet. Fisher's nares were very, very small from scar tissue as a result of his birth trauma. His nose flaired in and out and made a raspy sound with each breathe. It seemed to take too much effort to breathe. The Pediatric Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor was obviously concerned about this and asked us many times if we had noticed his lips or finger nails turning blue. I racked my brain, trying to think if we had ever noticed a blue tint. What if I had missed it? What if he turned blue when I thought he was sleeping? Would my son be forever damamged from a lack of oxygen? Would he stop breathing at night? My brain had continious questions going through it, but I never vocalized them. I just answered the ENTs questions as best I could.
Then the ENT asked if he seems to have trouble nursing. Does he stop latching and gasp for air? Again - I didn't think so, but this is my first child. I hadn't really paid attentiont to babies breastfeeding before. Did he do it right? Was he having trouble breathing while eating? I remember wanting to ask the ENT to watch Fisher breastfeed to make sure I wasn't missing something. It was torturous to be a new mom, definitely at the bottom of the learning curve and being asked questions that I honestly wasn't sure about. I didn't have the confidence to know that I was doing everything ok for a healthy baby - much less a baby with problems.
I was so worried I was going to miss something because of my inexperience.
The ENT decided that Fisher needed nose surgery to try to increase the size of his nares. He scheduled the surgery for a Monday, which was about a week away. However, the ENT himself called me back that night after we saw him and said that he would rather do the surgery as soon as possible. He said he couldn't live with himself if something happened to Fisher before his scheduled surgery day. So we had Fisher's surgery done the next day. It was scary to have Fisher go under anesthesia at six weeks old, but at the same time it was relieving, because I felt like once his first surgery was over I could breathe a little easier.
Fast forward to yesterday....I was in the doctor's office with Fisher for a routine childhood sickness (coughing/wheezing). We were waiting in a room to see the doctor and in and adjacent room a little boy was inconsible. I could tell by his screams and cries that he was much older than Fisher. It shook me to the core. It was like I was sent back one year ago when I was in the waiting room waiting on word from the doctor that Fisher's nose surgery was over. Before I saw the doctor, a nurse came running up to me and said "Are you Fisher's mother? Follow me, he needs you" On the way to the recovery room she explained to me that he was inconsible and there was nothing anyone could do calm him down. She said he needed his mama. I could hear him from a long way off crying in a way that I have never heard, it was absolutely frantic. I was nervous because I didn't know what he would look like after surgery. On the walk to him I was almost in tears myself, but as soon as I got to him, Mama Mode kicked in. I took him in my arms and held him, talked to him, loved him, and I did not shed one tear. He needed me right then, he needed me to be strong, he needed me to comfort him first, and not worry about my own fears and feelings. And I did, I held him, I nursed him, I loved him, I tried to warm him up, and he slowly starting calming down. He then went to the Pediatric ICU for the night to make sure he was stable after surgery. From that first surgery for the next 6 weeks he had 3 additional surgeries, many doctor's visits, and the whole time I was afraid to sleep. I was afraid his nasal stents would get clogged while I was sleeping and I wouldn't hear him. But we trudged on. Most people never knew how worried I was. They never knew that I would lay awake exhausted but listening to Fisher sleep because if they asked me how I was doing I would say we were doing good. I would say how awesome Fisher is, and how he takes everything like a champ. Becuase he was and he did.
But now, one year later I am in a doctor's office for something so minor and all the memories came flooding in. It is my opinion that we did what we needed to do to get through the tough time. But I guess we still have to come to terms with everything personally, and in our own way. Writing definitely seems to be helping me process everything, come to terms with what happened, how I felt then, how I feel now, and how I hope I feel in the future.

The dreaded runny nose

Fisher has his first runny nose and cold. No big deal,right? Well, this is something we have been dreading since he was born over a year ago. Fisher has very small nares (nose holes) because of scar tissue built up from his birth injuries. He has had four surgeries to try to increase the size of his nares. The ENT put stents in to stretch out his nose holes - it was not fun to say the least trying to take care of an infant that had plastic tubes sticking out from his nose. Anytime anything touched them (a shirt, toy,etc) he was in immediate pain. And would cry in a way that I haven't seen him cry since (thank goodness). There was no way he could take bottles with the stents in his nose, as the nipple would hit his stents. Luckily I was nursing him and had learned to nurse him in a way to protect his nose when he was first born. There was no nursing in public or snoozing while nursing Fisher with stents - I had to be very aware of everything or I would hurt his nose. And then there was the fun part of having to suction out the stents every 2 hours...day and night. Glad that is over for now and certainly dread doing it again in a year or two.

Fisher with stents



Within 48 hours of removing the stents the scar tissue around his nares shrunk back and now he again has very small nose holes. They are slightly bigger than they were before the first surgery. We discussed putting stents back in after his nares shrunk, but he was 13 weeks old and by this time most babies can breathe out of their mouths some (not solely). Did you realize infants are not able to breathe out of their mouths? I didn't. I quickly learned and spent many hours worrying about Fisher's nose and counting the days until he was 12 weeks old (the time when most babies can mouth breathe some). I think I exhaled for the first time when Fisher was 12 weeks old. By six month most babies can breathe out of their mouths like adults. That was another important "milestone" for us. Anyway - during all this time Fisher's doctors made it very clear to us how dangerous it would have been for Fisher to get sick. Even a runny nose would have put him in the hospital. Needless to say our plans to put Fisher in daycare were delayed. We only took Fisher into public for doctor's visits and even then we often kept him in the car until he was able to go into a room (some other day I will have to write about the time Shawn about punched a guy at a doctor's office who got mad at us for waiting out in the hall instead of the PACKED waiting room full of sick children in the midst of the flu outbreak last fall. We did not go back to that doctor and ended up going to a better one anyway!). We ourselves avoided public as much as possible because we were afraid of bringing something home. Not exactly the fun time showing off our new baby as I had envisioned, but I wasn't thinking along those lines at that time. We were just doing whatever we could do to protect our little guy. And I a happy to say it worked! Fisher was healthy his entire first year. By the way - after Fisher was 12 weeks old we slowly returned to a "normal" life and we enjoyed the little things like going grocery shopping as a family and eating out.
And then we started Fisher in daycare....no shock that he has his first cold complete with runny nose. And though I am very thankful that he is old enough to breathe out of his mouth and I am not worried about his safety - dealing something as mundane and simple as a runny nose has been no walk in the park. His nares are small to start with - just to give you an idea, the bulb syringe that you use to suck snot out of babies is about two times too big to fit in his nares. And when someone has a runny nose, their nose tissue swells - which is something that most people don't notice or realize. Since Fisher has small nares to start with - his nares are now even smaller. His pediatrician explained that we need to keep his nasal passage as moist as possible, so we have been trying to use saline. However, his nares are way too small for the applicator on the saline bottle - so I end up trying to shoot the saline up his nose and it seems to go anywhere but his nose. Did I mention that Fisher FREAKS out anytime we get within a foot of his nose with anything - a washcloth, saline, tissue? Not fun. All weekend long I have been fighting him to wipe his nose and then squirt saline up there. I am pretty impressed that Fisher can put up such a fight against someone several times he size!
While this weekend has not been fun to say the least - I am so thankful that this did not happen a year ago. I am so thankful that his runny nose is an inconvenience and not dangerous. And in a weird way, I am kind of relieved. This has been something we have dreaded for over a year, something that his pediatrician and pediatric ENT both admitted they weren't sure how Fisher's breathing would be affected by him being sic. So I guess I am relieved that the big unknown isn't unknown anymore.