Thursday, September 15, 2011

And baby makes FOUR!

It has been a while but the last few days I have had the urge to get on here and write.  There is a lot going on right now and as usual writing is cathartic to me so here I go.

The awesome news.  We are expecting again!  I found out super early (like 3.5 weeks) in mid July.  I was really surprised when I saw that positive show up and I didn't even tell Shawn.  I went to the store and bought another test!  :)  I got home it was definitely positive - so I wrote on the test "I am going to be a big brother" and told Fisher to take it to Shawn.  Fisher complied and Shawn was shocked!  His first words were "Really?  AWESOME!"  We had hoped to have our children relatively close in age so both of us were excited. 

According to my cycle dates - my due date should be April 6th.  I will be 11 weeks tomorrow and so far so good with this pregnancy.  The worst part by far was an 11 day trapping study that I did the first of August.  I was so tired and felt pretty nauseous quite a bit.  And of course no one knew that I was pregnant yet.  So it was a trying 11 days and much worse than the trapping I did in my 2nd and 3rd trimesters last pregnancy.  The summer heat and morning sickness proved to be a bad combination.  But I did it.  It is done and I was very relieved when it was over. 

After the trapping study I went to Lexington for the birth of my 2nd neice - Delaney.  She was a planned c-section and the first time I had ever been to a hospital for a birth other than Fisher's.  We stood at the nursery window waiting for Delaney to appear and there was a baby in the nursery that had just been born. Seeing that baby laying there in this little bassinet completely alone immediatly after being born triggered something in me.  I wanted to take that baby to her mama.  I worried that the mom was missing out on holding her baby those first few minutes.  I started crying and shaking and felt sick.  From this experience I realized that the most far reaching lasting issue I have from Fisher's birth was the seperation after he was born.  When I think of those hours I spent in recovery alone, holding the picture the NICU nurse brought me; the void in my arms feels so fresh.   My biggest hope for this labor and delivery is to be able to hold my precious baby in my arms immediately following his or her birth.   I want to experience a newborn.  I want to see what he or she looks like, feels like, smells like as they begin their introduction into the world.  For me - that is success. That is healing.  That is perfection.

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