Saturday, September 17, 2011

A heartbreaking loss

I can't believe that two days ago I joyfully "announced"  that I was pregnant.  I had told many close friends and family earlier on but on Monday I went ahead and told my work.  I wasn't planning on telling my work until next week when I would officially be in the 2nd trimester but my boss has to take several weeks off unexpectedly so I went ahead and told my boss and many coworkers last week.  After I told my work Shawn and I decided that we would go ahead and share our news.  We tried to take some pictures of Fisher in a big brother shirt and were going to post them on facebook, but Fisher wasn't up for a photo shoot so we decided to try again this weekend.  

On Thursday I posted a blog about being excited about expecting our new addition and within an hour after posting that I started showing signs of miscarriage.  I was in Nashville to give a presentation for work and it was a very good thing that I can talk about rabies in my sleep because I got through it without thinking about what I was saying at all.

After my presentation I called my doctor and they said to come in the next morning for "reassurance."  However, during the night I started cramping and I knew in my heart the pregnancy was over.  It was a long night.  In the morning as Shawn and I were getting ready to to the doctor I started hemorrhaging like crazy.  I couldn't believe how much I was bleeding.  I wasn't sure if I should go to the ER or go to the doctor, but made the decision to go on to the doctor as planned.

At the doctor I explained that things had gotten much worse and they took me on back.  They wanted to do an ultrasound and said that they have seen people come in with substantial bleeding and have healthy babies.  But I knew there was no way that I had a healthy baby anymore.  When they did the ultrasound they realized how much blood I was losing.  At that point they transferred me to the hospital so the surgeon could determine what needed to be done.   I was getting weak and remember thinking over and over that I had already lost this baby and that was awful, but I didn't want Fisher to lose his mother. 

My OB was out of town so I had the OB that was taking his call and I had never met before.  Thank God, he turned out to be an awesome doctor and I can't imagine the situation being handled better than he did.  He examined me and then said that he needed to operate immediately.  The whirlwind started and I had people trying to get an IV in on both of my arms at the same time.  I was so dehydrated and had lost so much blood that they had a really awful time of getting an IV in.  At this point I guess I looked pretty rough, the OB came and got my hand and told me to focus on him and talked to me about Fisher.  I think he was trying to keep me from passing out. It worked and I will forever remember him holding my hand and the trust I felt in him.  Which is actually amazing, if you know anything about me you know that I don't have much trust at all in OBs. 

I had the D&C and immediately upon waking up in recovery I was taken aback by how much better I felt.  I felt better coming off of the anesthesia than I had felt prior to the surgery.  I lost 3 units of blood during the D&C on top of what I lost prior to so I still felt (and feel) very weak.   Amazingly enough after recovering for several hours they did more blood work and all of my blood work looked good (the doctor himself couldn't believe it) and so they let me go on home with the understanding that I would take it very, very easy for the next week and let my body heal and repair itself. 

Yesterday was such a whirlwind I can't believe that so many actions and emotions can be packed into one day.  I am processing everything now and I am not sure how things are going to be "on the other side."  In some ways I see a lot of good in what happened yesterday - I am so thankful that I got the care I needed.  Things got scary, fast.  However, I knew I was in good hands and was actually proud of myself that I let myself trust in the doctors and nurses and knew that they were doing what was in my best interest.  And the information, the compassion, the professionalism, and the care I received could not have been more different from what I experienced at the hospital where Fisher was born. And for that I am truly grateful.  I shudder to think what would have happened if I went into the hospital where Fisher was born in the state I was in. 

Today I keep wondering what is wrong with my body that makes me have such horrific and gruesome experiences.  I really want to love and trust my body but right now I am not sure how to do that.  I know that miscarriages are far more common than most people realize and I know what I am feeling is not unique to me or my situation.   My heart hurts for our baby.  The baby that we loved so much since we found out about him in mid July.  We didn't have him long but we loved him completely. 

 Shawn called and talked to many different people yesterday when I didn't want to and I am appreciative of the love and support that people showed not only me but him.  He is really hurting too.  He again saw things that no one should see and for the second time he saw his wife being rushed away to surgery not really sure what was going on.   That was something I was hoping would never happen again.
Thanks for the thoughts, prayers, kind words, and the acknowledgement of our loss.  I know we will get through this and grow from this experience because I have seen so many of you go through heartbreaking situations and move on with the scars on your heart.


  1. Erin, I am so, so very sorry. The loss of a baby is a life-altering thing no matter how old that little one was. I'm comforted to know that you have so many loving arms to hold you through this pain. I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

  2. My heart breaks for you but I am so thankful you are ok and will be around for fisher and Shawn. I believe everything happens for a reason and god will watch over you on "the other side." Take care!