Expectations

It has been one heck of a week - which I expected.  I am way more exhausted and physically drained than I expected.  Emotinally sometimes I am doing better than I would have expected and sometimes, well sometimes I am just overcome by sadness - and I expected that. 

The support and kind words have been amazing.  I had been told by several people, including the medical staff at the hospital, to expect people to say things that hurt in their attempts to comfort (i.e. at least you lost the baby now instead of when you were attached to it,etc).  Honestly, I heard a few things that I don't "agree" with, but it didn't bother me.  I totally know it is awkard and uncomfortable for most people because they don't know what to say.  But most people I have talked to acknowledged our loss and offered their apologies.  And really - that is all you can do.  And that really means a lot. 

The hardest part for me the last several days and something that I foresee happening for a long time is the flood of emotions and pain from seemingly innocent or normal occurences.  For example, when I see a little boy that is about Fisher's age and they have a baby brother or a sister that sets off feelings of sadness.  I was really excited about Fisher and his sibling being 2.5 years apart and now that won't happen.   When I see pregnant women I am sad that I am not pregnant anymore.   When I hear someone mention something going next spring I am reminded that we will not have a newborn in the spring.   And on and on and on....so many reminders of what we were expeting, what we were so excited about, and what will not be.

I go back to the doctor tomorrow with little expectations.  I see there is no good side of seeing the doctor.  He is either going to say "It is one of those unexplained things" or "I think X,Y, and Z might be going on which caused the miscarriage."  I am not sure which one is more comforting now, but it really doesn't matter.  No expectations - but we will cross whatever bridge we are taken to.