I have an appointment with an OB/GYN today in my new town. I called yesterday morning to set up an appointment and was told that they just had a cancellation. So I took it. And man, the anxiety has kicked in. I find it hard to believe myself that I have so much emotional issues involved in just going for a routine yearly appointment. Obviously my body, my mind, my soul know that it is more than that.
I don't worry so much about what happened with Fisher happening again, because it won't, I won't let it. I worry about what I might have to go through to make sure things don't go that way. I felt like being amiable and going with the flow was the right thing to do with Fisher. I felt like at the time,I was "suppossed" to ignore my instincts and what my body was telling me to do and do what the hospital told me I had to do. To go along what was hospital "policy". I thought by going with the flow, controlling what I could, things would be easier on me and Fisher because I wouldn't be fighting with hospital staff. Boy was I wrong. And I deal with the reminders of that every day. I am obviously still not "over it" and I don't know when or if I will be. I don't think I will be until Fisher has no more pending surgeries.
I don't talk much or often about all the anxiety, angers, fears, and regret. I might mention it, throw a comment out, bitch about the doctor, or the hospital, but I usually happy it up, gloss over it, pretend that I am ok. But I know I am not ok. I know from counseling that I avoid digging too deep into what I really think and feel about what happened. And here it is - in my face. The anxiety, the rushing thoughts, the fears, the lack of trust, the guilt. And I am worried about seeing a new doctor, because I am either going to 1) act like it is no big deal, pretend that I am ok, when I am obviously not or 2)put my true fears, anxieties, regrets, and hopes for the future out on the table and have the chance of it being minimilized, trivialized, or even not believed (thanks to the falsified medical records).
I pray that things go great. I click with the doctor, I am able to get answers to some questions I have, I get a good report, and I hope that the new doctor doesn't trivialize what happened, because I think one of the hardest things I have had coping with is the fact that the medical records do not show what happened. That what has been such a big deal to me and Fisher doesn't even appear on the records. I think my emotional state would be so different right now if the original doctor offered an apology, an explanation, and some compassion and acknowledgement of what Fisher and I have went through and are still going through.
So today is a big step for me. And hopefully it will be one that offers some healing and maybe I can start regaining trust in the medical community.