Thursday, August 19, 2010


I have been to therapy three times so far to address the trauma surrounding my son's birth. And I really do think it is helping. The therapist explained to me that my brain has not processed the trauma surrounding Fisher's labor and delivery and therefore it keeps trying to process it, which is why I have anxiety about it and reoccurring thoughts, images, and dreams. She is going to do a treatment to help me reprocess it and she really thinks the anxiety and other symptoms will go away. I know it sounds a little kooky, but I figure - what the hell? It sure can't hurt. And even though we haven't started the actual reprocessing part yet - I already know that I am healing. Just understanding why I am dealing with the things the way I am has helped so much. For instance - I have totally been ignoring and putting off dealing with the incorrect medical records and talking to a lawyer. While I had rationalized ignoring these things for many different reasons (mainly being so freaking busy lately!) - my therapists mentioned that some people ignore things as a way to avoid that issue because it causes hurt, anxiety, or pain. And I know that is the real reason I have been putting it off. It scares me to deal with it because it is like pouring salt on a wound. I have been much more aware of why I feel the things I feel and most of all - I know that it is normal. It is all normal. And I am not ashamed or embarrassed...I just am. Those who know me know that I have a very analytical, scientific brain and having someone explain to me the science behind why I am dealing with things the way I am has been priceless. Now that I understand the biology behind my reaction and I know that it is absolutely and totally normal I am so much more peaceful about the whole situation. I realize now that I had a ton of guilt just because of my anxiety and anger surrounding Fisher's birth. I thought that the "right" way for me to be was to be happy he is alive and here with us, and not care about any of the other stuff. I was told many many times by many people that all that mattered was a healthy baby and I didn't understand why I couldn't just be like "everybody else" because though I of course wanted a healthy baby - I also want to know what happened, need to understand why it happened, I feel anger, feel sadness, feel anxiety, etc.
But I am not like "everybody else." I am me and my brain is my brain and like all parts of our body do - my brain is trying to heal itself. It might not be doing it in a way that pleases everyone, but it is doing it the only way my body knows how. And I am happy that I feel like I am moving in the right direction. Towards healing.

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