August 19th, Day of Hope

One year ago August 19th was just another day.  This year it is a day where I reflect, remember, and mourn my two babies that I died before I was able to hold them in my arms.  Finley and Wren.

I am afraid to speak about my babies that died honestly.  The feelings are so strong, raw, and painful.  It is hard to share such strong powerful feelings with anyone and even myself sometimes.  I am thankful for the Carly Marie Project for starting the August 19th Day of Hope and for helping me say things that I have such a hard time expressing.  

I hope today is a day where all of us (and there are so many!) can work through our grief just a little and acknowledge the pain and the love we have in our hearts. 

Birthday reflections

Today is my birthday and it has been a day of reflection on the past year.  My 32nd year has probably been the hardest one for me yet both physically and emotionally.   I have grown spiritually and emotionally and for that I am thankful.  I feel much wiser, more cautious, and weathered as I enter my 33rd year of life.   In a lot of ways I am more calm and even tempered now.  I feel like I am just starting on a path of growth and change and I am looking forward to seeing where it takes me.
 
Thinking ahead to this next year is a little scary for me.  I like being in control and having a plan.  I realize now that I am not in control and plans are laughable and that knowledge is a scary place for me right now. 

Another year in the books. And many parts of this year that I happily leave in the books but there are definitely some parts that I will never leave that I will carry with me forever.  And for that I am also thankful.

The First Birth Activist Retreat at The Farm

I feel very privileged to have been a part of the First Birth Activist Retreat at The Farm. It was such an awesome experience that I am still having trouble wrapping my brain around everything.

Here is a quick recap by Rosemary Senjem -

"The First Birth Activists Retreat was held June 22-24, 2012 in Summertown, Tennessee at The Farm. More than 75 were in attendance.

The Birth Activists Retreat was amazingly productive and members and representatives of Birth Network National, BOLD, CAPPA, ACNM, MANA, DONA, Where's My Midwife, Improving Birth were there. The people are uniting and organizing to Tell the Truth about Birth!
Who else was there? Pregnant Moms, Moms with babes in arms, Dads with video cameras, university researchers + grad students, doulas, childbirth educators, midwives of all stripes and work locations, massage & CranioSacral therapists, labor and delivery nurses, legal representatives from L.A.B.O.R., political activists and experienced lobbyists, and a young fellow named Bo who is going to organize his boy scout troupe to raise money to Tell the Truth about Birth.
What did we accomplish? This very diverse group came together and did the hard work to find common ground around messaging and coordinated actions. We want everyone to have equal access to evidence-based maternity care. It is a human right.
Our initial focus is on rallies on Labor Day (and the week that follows), actions during National Midwifery one month later, and informing people for Election Day. We want to make it easier for everyone to Tell the Truth about Birth!"

First of all - I will tell you what the retreat was not. It was not a bunch of women sitting around complaining about our maternity system. Instead we started Saturday morning with success stories. Women told about how they lit a fire in their community and got things done! Women are demanding evidence based care and it is time for hosptials, health care providers, and insurance companies to listen to their consumers!

We broke into 6 groups - each group focused on one piece of the bigger picture of starting a birth revolution. There was a group that focused on the politics and political action that will be taken, a group that focused on education, one on how the many different groups (ICAN, women’s rights groups, holistic moms network, etc) can work together, and more. I felt called to the Public Action group. So in our group we brainstormed and eventually set up a timetable of ways we will engage the public.

I could seriously write a book about what all happened this weekend and what I took home from it.

· In several areas midwifes have lost privileges at hospitals. When the consumers came together to share their concerns and question why the change - the consumers prevailed!!! For more info on this check out the Where's My Midwife? page.

· Normalize the midwife. When someone is pregnant instead of asking who their doctor is - ask who their midwife is.

· Political -

oWe need to contact our state representatives and introduce ourselves. When we have a concern or a suggestion, we need to let them know. They are there for us.

oWe can work to get birth and other women's issues on local planks and platforms. *This to me was such a great idea!

· I got some great ideas for fundraising and engaging more and more people in ICAN and other groups that I work with.

· My bottom line - we can make a difference. People care about the state of maternity care in the US. The weekend allowed for many people from different agencies and walks of life to come together and work towards a common goal. It is happening.

Being in the company of so many strong, intelligent leaders was a powerful experience. It was a very healing weekend for me personally. I thought back often to the weakness and the fear that I felt after I had Fisher. I knew our system was so, so flawed - but I felt powerless and alone in those feelings. This weekend at The Farm allowed me to realize that I am not powerless or alone. On the last day of the retreat one of the organizers spur of the moment asked willing people to go on camera and say "I am a birth activist because...." My initial reaction was that I would not partcipate. I mean, I am not a birth activist. I don't work in the birth profession. No one cares to hear "my story". After I realized how I was avoiding my real thoughts and feelings I took a few minutes and walked away and let the emotions and feelings wash over me. Shaking and scared I walked in front of the camera and said

"I am a birth activist because my son was injured at birth. I refuse to let any other woman or child go through the traumatic journey we have been through the last three years."

And then I walked away from the camera feeling more at peace than I have since Fisher was born. 

The Farm Here I come!

I am buzzing around my house this morning packing for my weekend trip to the first annual Birth Activist Retreat that is being held at The Farm in Summertown, TN.  As I am buzzing I have been thinking about how I came to be going to this retreat and why it is so important to me.  Me, the person that didn't even put much thought into having children until about two weeks before I was pregnant with Fisher.   Me, the person that used to think I would "have the baby cut out" because it seemed like the easier thing to do.   My focus used to be on what wildlife conference I would be going to next.  And now I am going to a hippie commune this weekend to discuss what can be done to improve maternal care in the United States.  What?

It is for Fisher.  It is for me.  It is for all women who deserves good, skilled, compassionate care.  I can't sit back and let  what happened to Fisher happen to other children.  It breaks my heart to think of other mama's going through the emotional journey that I have been through the past three years.  I have to act.  I have to.  It isn't about interventions, c-sections, and injuries.  It is about listening to moms, supporting them, informing them, and empowering them.   It is about having options and access to those options. 

I am excited and a little nervous.  Three years ago when I was pregnant with Fisher and reading every Ina May Gaskin book I could find, I would have never imagined I would be actively involved in something like this and going to The Farm for a retreat!  What a long, strange trip it has been and continues to be.  I will continue this trip and see where it takes me.   

Our daughter, Wren.

I haven't had my phone out of my site in four weeks.  For the past month I have been expecting the call that held the results of our genetic testing on our baby that we lost.  The call came this afternoon and I honestly knew what my midwife was going to say. I knew it in my heart this whole time.   Our sweet baby was a genetically normal baby girl. 

Though the results of the tests can be summed up in just a few words "normal baby girl" those words have a huge impact on me, Shawn, and our future.

First - we had a daughter!  How cool is that?!   I hate so much that we never got to hold her and tell her face to face how much we love her and how much we wanted her.  I keep thinking about how FREAKING excited Shawn and I would have been at the gender ultrasound.  We would have been bouncing from wall to wall!  That is how we felt when we found out we were having a boy the first time and I know we would have relived that awesomeness on Tuesday, May 1st had our baby lived.  And I totally would have gone on a cute hippie baby clothes shopping spree!!   I wonder what she would have looked like?  Would she have looked like me?  Would she had been like me?  Or not like me at all?  So many questions that will never be answered in this world. 

We named our daughter Wren.  We have been thinking of names for the past several weeks.  I have been focusing on girl names because I just knew our baby was a girl :)  Go Mother's Intuion!  I have been having strong feelings that I wanted to name her after a bird, I am not sure why - but I just felt that it was right.  So we named her Wren.  I personally love wrens - they are saucy little birds that don't realize how tiny they are!

Finding out that she was a normal baby girl has big implications on our future hopes and dreams for a family.  I was honestly hoping that we would find out that our baby had chromosomal abnormalities. If that was the case then there would be a really good chance that we wouldn't experience yet another loss..   But the testing and trying to answer some questions will come later.  For tonight I am just thinking about and mourning for our little girl. 

Geniuses

Today I was told that Fisher was a little genius and that I shouldn't give up on having more little geniuses in the future.  All of that and I went to the library, took Fisher to the park and met Teresa for dinner.  Quite the day!

A month or so ago Fisher's daycare told us that he never talks there.  Ever.  He talks at home sometimes more than others - but he definitely talks at home.   But at daycare, nothing.  One day he said "duck" at daycare and they were so excited.  This was concerning to Shawn and I so we started paying attention and noticed that Fisher didn't talk too much around people other than the two of us.   We decided to take Fisher out of daycare for the summer to save money and to work with him more one on one.  We also had him evaluated by his pediatrician and while the pediatrician didn't think anything was wrong, he said we could get him evaluated by the speech therapist, just to make sure.  We scheduled the speech eval, took Fisher out of daycare and then Fisher had a language explosion.  He started talking more and more and in longer sentences to Shawn and I.  And it seemed that he was becoming more comfortable talking in public and with other people, but that was hard to judge because we took him out of daycare.  I am not sure if the daycare and speech explosion were coincidental or not, but both Shawn and I felt that the class he was in was not a good fit for Fisher and we are both glad that we decided to take him out.

Anyway - prior to the speech explosion we had scheduled Fisher a speech evaluation with a speech therapist.  I wanted to keep the appointment because I wasn't sure if Fisher would talk to the therapist and was curious if she had any ideas on how we could get him more comfortable talking with other people.   So today was the evaluation and Fisher shocked me!  He warmed right up to the speech therapist and talked and talked!!  I was amazed and sat back and watched him sail through all of the tests.  I have never seen him interact with someone other than family like this.  The therapist said that he was a "little genius" and that he was on a 3 and 4 year old level on many things.  She sees no need to do any therapy at this point.  She agrees that the daycare was not a good fit for Fisher and gave us some suggestions on his next daycare.  She also said that if he doesn't talk at his new daycare then we can reevaluate him.

I was proud of Fisher and somewhat surprised that he appeared to not only warm up to the therapist but also show off!  For example she would ask him to give the stuffed penguin one block and he would pick up a block and say "ONE YELLOW BLOCK" and hand the block to the penguin.  I just sat back and laughed.  I actually learned a lot from watching their session and got some great ideas on ways that I can play and engage with Fisher that I haven't thought of.

My follow up appointment for my D&E was today too.  I was dreading it and looking forward to it at the same time.  I was dreading it because emotionally it is hard but looking forward to the possibility of answers.  I did not get any answers unfortunately.  We are still waiting on the chromosome tests of the baby.   Beyond that the midwife told me that she thinks Shawn and I should take time to heal emotionally and for me to heal physically before trying again.  I agree wholeheartedly with that.  I feel like all of the stress of the last year or so has caught up with me and I want a break from as much stress and worry as possible right now.  I want to focus on the three of us right now first and foremost and then maybe in the future we will cross the bridge of trying to get pregnant again.  I explained mine and Shawn's reservations and concerns about trying for a fourth pregnancy when we have two losses.  She understood but said that she didn't want me to give up on my dream for another baby yet.  She said that she recommends me taking a baby aspirin as soon as I get pregnant next time and that if I would prefer I could be referred to a High Risk OB  for a full work up when we decided we were ready to try again.  She said that the High Risk OB wouldn't likely do anything different from what she would do (testing and then recommending aspirin, progesterone, etc) but that it was up to me.  I think I will opt to see the High Risk OB when we get to that point.  Though the thought of getting pregnant is terrifying to me right now, the thought of deciding (or being told to) never get pregnant again is worse, so I am thankful for the gentle push to not give up yet. 

An interesting day to say the least.  I will take it, learn from it, and we will see what the future holds for Shawn, Fisher, and I.

Once a Month Cooking

I tried my hand at Once a Month Cooking for the first time...shew, I am tired!  The kind of tired that making 10 breakfasts, 8 lunches, and 16 dinners will make ya. 

I followed Once a Month Mom's Traditional Menu for May and this is what I made today -

Breakfasts

• Fluffy Whole Wheat Pancakes
• French Toast Casserole
• Chocolate Chip Banana Breakfast Cookies

Lunches

• Cheesy Meatloaf Muffins
• Hot Ham and Cheese Croissants
• Black Bean and Corn Stuffed Potatoes
• Southwestern Egg Rolls

Dinners

• Chili Dog Casserole
• Slow Cooked Buffalo Chicken
• Meatball Minestrone
• Chicken Marsala
• Baked Cheesy Chicken Penne
• Coconut Chicken
• Chicken Fajita Soup
• Sweet Mustard Beef**

Basically, how the website has it set up is you make a double batch of all the recipes and so you each each recipe twice during the month.  I can handle that.    Also on the website, there are month menus for whole foods, diet foods, gluten free, and vegetarian.  I will probably do the whole food one next month.  However, I chose the traditional food this month because when I looked over the menus I realized we had a lot of the ingredients needed for the traditional food menu, which would save us money.  Bonus!!

Speaking of money - how much did this cost me? 
I printed off the grocery list (another cool thing about the site - you put in how many people you are feeding and it adjusts the grocery lists and menus accordingly!) and went through what we had on hand.  I had several of the ingredients (for example I had a TON of frozen chicken and did not need to buy any chicken) including most of the spices and pantry staples (flour, cornstarch, sugar, etc).   I hit up Aldi first and then went to Walmart for everything I couldn't get there.  I spent about $130 on groceries needed to cook this menu (though I am not sure how much it would cost if I had to buy everything).  Not bad at all!

The night before
I followed the instructions on the Once a Month mom website and we grilled the chicken for the Chicken Fajita soup the night before (we were grilling out anyway).  I baked the potatoes needed for the Black bean and corn stuffed potatoes and threw them and the cooked chicken in the fridge.  I also made sure that all of our meat (chicken, hamburger) was in the fridge to thaw overnight.

The big day
I started cooking at about 11 am.  I cooked all day until 8:30 pm following the step by step instructions on what to do when.  It worked really well!  I took a break mid day for a nap and had several times when I stopped and played with Fisher.  I like cooking but I often feel so rushed cooking when I have a hungry toddler and my own stomach is growling.  So it was actually really nice to spend the whole day in the kitchen and not being rushed.  I did make quite a mess and used a ton of dishes!  I ran our dishwasher twice during the time I was cooking and I also hand washed several things that I needed quickly.  When all was said and done, Shawn came in and cleaned the kitchen up.  He spent probably thirty minutes cleaning. 

I feel accomplished!!  Our deep freeze is half way filled with cooked foods!  I am super excited that I have food for the majority of those nights when I come home from work feeling like blah-I-don't-want-to-cook.  I hope this keeps us away from eating out.  However, one thing I like about this plan is that there are still plenty of nights that we can eat whatever we feel like.  I love grilling out in the summer and of course eating out with friends and family - so I liked that I didn't make 30 dinners and would feel like we needed to stick with the menu and eat them so they wouldn't be wasted. 

  I will let yall know how the food actually tastes - but from my taste tests throughout the day, I think it is going to be pretty good.  I have a feeling Fisher is going to love the Chili Dog casserole (one I am not looking forward to myself) and I can't wait to have the French Toast casserole this weekend!