Day 5: Memorial

Today is Day 5 of the Capture your Grief project and the topic is Memorial.  I love the idea of planting a memorial garden and trees for each of my angels, but since we are currently renting I don't want to do that at this time.  However, the place that feels most like a memorial is nature.  I love when I have a few minutes alone in the woods, prefarably by water to reflect and be present in the moment.  Listening to the trickling water, feeling the moist breeze on my cheeks, watching the birds flicker around is the place I feel closest to God and the babies we have lost. 

Day 4: Treasured Item

As I said in my last post I am out of town, so I don't have access to all my normal things but I do have a picture of one of my treasured items. 

I ordered this bracelet just a few days after our first loss.
"I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)"

 I love it the simplicity of the words (from a E.E. Cummings poem) and the bracelet.  I never thought when I ordered it and then wore it for months that I would be carrying 2 hearts in my heart. 

Day 3: Self Potrait After Loss

I am traveling right now for work so I don't have access to all my files and pics.  Today I spent the day at the Greeneville Airport coordinating volunteers that are helping with our project.  I had many hours alone at the airport, which is always nice.  I don't spend enough time in solace and I am always grateful for those rare times.  As usual, I noticed the natural world happening around me while hanging out at the airport all day and at one point I thought the sky looked gorgeous.  It was so blue and the clouds so white, just a gorgeous sky.  I spent some time watching the clouds and sitting in the silence. 
I snapped a picture of myself looking up at that gorgeous Tennessee fall sky.  It represents me after loss because I am more weathered but also more attuned to the world and what happens.  I live in the moment a little more than I used to and try appreciate the beauty around me.

Day 2: Self Portrait Before Loss

Day 2 of the Capture Your Grief 2012 project is Self Portrait Before Loss. 

This was an easy one for me.  I was 15.5 weeks pregnant with Wren and I had just gotten comfortable with my pregnancy and wanted to document it.  We lost Finley at 11 weeks - so I was very very nervous the next pregnancy until I had a good ultrasound at 12 weeks.   When this picture was taken I was starting to feel flutters and was counting down the days until we found out if we were adding a boy or a girl to our family.  I really thought we were "in the clear" at this point in my pregnancy and I was starting to feel better from the morning sickness.  Only a few days after this picture was taken I went to a routine appointment and found that our little baby had passed away.

Capture Your Grief 2012

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  Though people who have lost a child need no reminders of what they are missing - I have found that it is nice to have a specific time for people to reflect, connect, and mourn. 

Carly Marie is an amazing photographer that has helped many people in their journeys to healing from losing a baby or a child.  You can see more about her awesome work here. 

She is heading up a 31 day photo challenge during the month of October.  I have never partcipated in anything like this before, but I really do love the idea of taking a little time each day to reflect, connect, and mourn for my lost little ones.  As Wren's due date gets closer and closer I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and I love being able to channel some of the energy and thoughts into a project.  So here we go.  Excuse the quality of pics - I am far from a professional photograher,just a mom who wants to work through some emotions and feelings. 

Day One - Sunrise

I actually found out about the project after sunrise on day 1 and it was cloudy in Knoxville, so I went out behind my office and snapped a picture of the flowers and trees.  I will probably try to get a different sunrise another day :) But this is my official start. 

Checking out this week

This week is proving to be a very hard week for me.   There is so much to it.   First - as much as I love Fisher I have bad memories associated with his birth.  How I wish I could forget the bad memories and only remember the good.   Those memories alone have put me into a little bit of an emotional tailspin the last couple of years but this year things are much harder.

This time last year I was pregnant with our second child.  I was so happy and excited and had visions of our family of four.  Everything seemed to be going well, I had had a couple of different ultrasounds and saw an adorable moving growing baby.  I had told my work I was pregnant and went through all the crap that came with that.   And then I started miscarrying the afternoon of Sept 15th while I was in Nashville for work.  And then things got worse the next morning and I ended up with a D&C to stop the bleeding.    There are just so many bad memories from a year ago. 

I have these reminders that my life is not what I thought it would be a year ago.    I have now had two losses within the year - both of which were very hard physically  on top of the emotional impacts.  I don't have much hope currently in having another child.  I am not ruling it out, but it isn't an exciting thing anymore - it is scary.

And put that all on top of the fact that my son is turning three and I don't want to overshadow the joy that we have in celebrating another year with him.  It is a rough week. 

August 19th, Day of Hope

One year ago August 19th was just another day.  This year it is a day where I reflect, remember, and mourn my two babies that I died before I was able to hold them in my arms.  Finley and Wren.

I am afraid to speak about my babies that died honestly.  The feelings are so strong, raw, and painful.  It is hard to share such strong powerful feelings with anyone and even myself sometimes.  I am thankful for the Carly Marie Project for starting the August 19th Day of Hope and for helping me say things that I have such a hard time expressing.  

I hope today is a day where all of us (and there are so many!) can work through our grief just a little and acknowledge the pain and the love we have in our hearts.