Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Checking out this week

This week is proving to be a very hard week for me.   There is so much to it.   First - as much as I love Fisher I have bad memories associated with his birth.  How I wish I could forget the bad memories and only remember the good.   Those memories alone have put me into a little bit of an emotional tailspin the last couple of years but this year things are much harder.

This time last year I was pregnant with our second child.  I was so happy and excited and had visions of our family of four.  Everything seemed to be going well, I had had a couple of different ultrasounds and saw an adorable moving growing baby.  I had told my work I was pregnant and went through all the crap that came with that.   And then I started miscarrying the afternoon of Sept 15th while I was in Nashville for work.  And then things got worse the next morning and I ended up with a D&C to stop the bleeding.    There are just so many bad memories from a year ago. 

I have these reminders that my life is not what I thought it would be a year ago.    I have now had two losses within the year - both of which were very hard physically  on top of the emotional impacts.  I don't have much hope currently in having another child.  I am not ruling it out, but it isn't an exciting thing anymore - it is scary.

And put that all on top of the fact that my son is turning three and I don't want to overshadow the joy that we have in celebrating another year with him.  It is a rough week. 

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