Day 2: Self Portrait Before Loss

Day 2 of the Capture Your Grief 2012 project is Self Portrait Before Loss. 

This was an easy one for me.  I was 15.5 weeks pregnant with Wren and I had just gotten comfortable with my pregnancy and wanted to document it.  We lost Finley at 11 weeks - so I was very very nervous the next pregnancy until I had a good ultrasound at 12 weeks.   When this picture was taken I was starting to feel flutters and was counting down the days until we found out if we were adding a boy or a girl to our family.  I really thought we were "in the clear" at this point in my pregnancy and I was starting to feel better from the morning sickness.  Only a few days after this picture was taken I went to a routine appointment and found that our little baby had passed away.

Capture Your Grief 2012

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  Though people who have lost a child need no reminders of what they are missing - I have found that it is nice to have a specific time for people to reflect, connect, and mourn. 

Carly Marie is an amazing photographer that has helped many people in their journeys to healing from losing a baby or a child.  You can see more about her awesome work here. 

She is heading up a 31 day photo challenge during the month of October.  I have never partcipated in anything like this before, but I really do love the idea of taking a little time each day to reflect, connect, and mourn for my lost little ones.  As Wren's due date gets closer and closer I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and I love being able to channel some of the energy and thoughts into a project.  So here we go.  Excuse the quality of pics - I am far from a professional photograher,just a mom who wants to work through some emotions and feelings. 

Day One - Sunrise

I actually found out about the project after sunrise on day 1 and it was cloudy in Knoxville, so I went out behind my office and snapped a picture of the flowers and trees.  I will probably try to get a different sunrise another day :) But this is my official start. 

Checking out this week

This week is proving to be a very hard week for me.   There is so much to it.   First - as much as I love Fisher I have bad memories associated with his birth.  How I wish I could forget the bad memories and only remember the good.   Those memories alone have put me into a little bit of an emotional tailspin the last couple of years but this year things are much harder.

This time last year I was pregnant with our second child.  I was so happy and excited and had visions of our family of four.  Everything seemed to be going well, I had had a couple of different ultrasounds and saw an adorable moving growing baby.  I had told my work I was pregnant and went through all the crap that came with that.   And then I started miscarrying the afternoon of Sept 15th while I was in Nashville for work.  And then things got worse the next morning and I ended up with a D&C to stop the bleeding.    There are just so many bad memories from a year ago. 

I have these reminders that my life is not what I thought it would be a year ago.    I have now had two losses within the year - both of which were very hard physically  on top of the emotional impacts.  I don't have much hope currently in having another child.  I am not ruling it out, but it isn't an exciting thing anymore - it is scary.

And put that all on top of the fact that my son is turning three and I don't want to overshadow the joy that we have in celebrating another year with him.  It is a rough week. 

August 19th, Day of Hope

One year ago August 19th was just another day.  This year it is a day where I reflect, remember, and mourn my two babies that I died before I was able to hold them in my arms.  Finley and Wren.

I am afraid to speak about my babies that died honestly.  The feelings are so strong, raw, and painful.  It is hard to share such strong powerful feelings with anyone and even myself sometimes.  I am thankful for the Carly Marie Project for starting the August 19th Day of Hope and for helping me say things that I have such a hard time expressing.  

I hope today is a day where all of us (and there are so many!) can work through our grief just a little and acknowledge the pain and the love we have in our hearts. 

Birthday reflections

Today is my birthday and it has been a day of reflection on the past year.  My 32nd year has probably been the hardest one for me yet both physically and emotionally.   I have grown spiritually and emotionally and for that I am thankful.  I feel much wiser, more cautious, and weathered as I enter my 33rd year of life.   In a lot of ways I am more calm and even tempered now.  I feel like I am just starting on a path of growth and change and I am looking forward to seeing where it takes me.
 
Thinking ahead to this next year is a little scary for me.  I like being in control and having a plan.  I realize now that I am not in control and plans are laughable and that knowledge is a scary place for me right now. 

Another year in the books. And many parts of this year that I happily leave in the books but there are definitely some parts that I will never leave that I will carry with me forever.  And for that I am also thankful.

The First Birth Activist Retreat at The Farm

I feel very privileged to have been a part of the First Birth Activist Retreat at The Farm. It was such an awesome experience that I am still having trouble wrapping my brain around everything.

Here is a quick recap by Rosemary Senjem -

"The First Birth Activists Retreat was held June 22-24, 2012 in Summertown, Tennessee at The Farm. More than 75 were in attendance.

The Birth Activists Retreat was amazingly productive and members and representatives of Birth Network National, BOLD, CAPPA, ACNM, MANA, DONA, Where's My Midwife, Improving Birth were there. The people are uniting and organizing to Tell the Truth about Birth!
Who else was there? Pregnant Moms, Moms with babes in arms, Dads with video cameras, university researchers + grad students, doulas, childbirth educators, midwives of all stripes and work locations, massage & CranioSacral therapists, labor and delivery nurses, legal representatives from L.A.B.O.R., political activists and experienced lobbyists, and a young fellow named Bo who is going to organize his boy scout troupe to raise money to Tell the Truth about Birth.
What did we accomplish? This very diverse group came together and did the hard work to find common ground around messaging and coordinated actions. We want everyone to have equal access to evidence-based maternity care. It is a human right.
Our initial focus is on rallies on Labor Day (and the week that follows), actions during National Midwifery one month later, and informing people for Election Day. We want to make it easier for everyone to Tell the Truth about Birth!"

First of all - I will tell you what the retreat was not. It was not a bunch of women sitting around complaining about our maternity system. Instead we started Saturday morning with success stories. Women told about how they lit a fire in their community and got things done! Women are demanding evidence based care and it is time for hosptials, health care providers, and insurance companies to listen to their consumers!

We broke into 6 groups - each group focused on one piece of the bigger picture of starting a birth revolution. There was a group that focused on the politics and political action that will be taken, a group that focused on education, one on how the many different groups (ICAN, women’s rights groups, holistic moms network, etc) can work together, and more. I felt called to the Public Action group. So in our group we brainstormed and eventually set up a timetable of ways we will engage the public.

I could seriously write a book about what all happened this weekend and what I took home from it.

· In several areas midwifes have lost privileges at hospitals. When the consumers came together to share their concerns and question why the change - the consumers prevailed!!! For more info on this check out the Where's My Midwife? page.

· Normalize the midwife. When someone is pregnant instead of asking who their doctor is - ask who their midwife is.

· Political -

oWe need to contact our state representatives and introduce ourselves. When we have a concern or a suggestion, we need to let them know. They are there for us.

oWe can work to get birth and other women's issues on local planks and platforms. *This to me was such a great idea!

· I got some great ideas for fundraising and engaging more and more people in ICAN and other groups that I work with.

· My bottom line - we can make a difference. People care about the state of maternity care in the US. The weekend allowed for many people from different agencies and walks of life to come together and work towards a common goal. It is happening.

Being in the company of so many strong, intelligent leaders was a powerful experience. It was a very healing weekend for me personally. I thought back often to the weakness and the fear that I felt after I had Fisher. I knew our system was so, so flawed - but I felt powerless and alone in those feelings. This weekend at The Farm allowed me to realize that I am not powerless or alone. On the last day of the retreat one of the organizers spur of the moment asked willing people to go on camera and say "I am a birth activist because...." My initial reaction was that I would not partcipate. I mean, I am not a birth activist. I don't work in the birth profession. No one cares to hear "my story". After I realized how I was avoiding my real thoughts and feelings I took a few minutes and walked away and let the emotions and feelings wash over me. Shaking and scared I walked in front of the camera and said

"I am a birth activist because my son was injured at birth. I refuse to let any other woman or child go through the traumatic journey we have been through the last three years."

And then I walked away from the camera feeling more at peace than I have since Fisher was born. 

The Farm Here I come!

I am buzzing around my house this morning packing for my weekend trip to the first annual Birth Activist Retreat that is being held at The Farm in Summertown, TN.  As I am buzzing I have been thinking about how I came to be going to this retreat and why it is so important to me.  Me, the person that didn't even put much thought into having children until about two weeks before I was pregnant with Fisher.   Me, the person that used to think I would "have the baby cut out" because it seemed like the easier thing to do.   My focus used to be on what wildlife conference I would be going to next.  And now I am going to a hippie commune this weekend to discuss what can be done to improve maternal care in the United States.  What?

It is for Fisher.  It is for me.  It is for all women who deserves good, skilled, compassionate care.  I can't sit back and let  what happened to Fisher happen to other children.  It breaks my heart to think of other mama's going through the emotional journey that I have been through the past three years.  I have to act.  I have to.  It isn't about interventions, c-sections, and injuries.  It is about listening to moms, supporting them, informing them, and empowering them.   It is about having options and access to those options. 

I am excited and a little nervous.  Three years ago when I was pregnant with Fisher and reading every Ina May Gaskin book I could find, I would have never imagined I would be actively involved in something like this and going to The Farm for a retreat!  What a long, strange trip it has been and continues to be.  I will continue this trip and see where it takes me.