Sunday, April 27, 2014

Because of her.

Two years.  Two years have passed since we found out our Wren had died.  She was our "rainbow baby" after our first 11 week loss.  She was the baby that was going to prove the first horrible loss was a fluke.  Sure I was scared when I was pregnant with her - but when we got past the 11 week mark and we had several great appointments and ultrasounds, I started to believe she was ok. She would be the daughter that completed our family.  She wasn't.   Two years ago I found out at a routine 16 week appointment that she had passed away and my life really did change.   The first loss was awful - the second loss was almost debilitating.  I felt so connected with her during those weeks I carried her.  And when I found out that she had died, my entire soul was ripped open raw and exposed.  I hated myself, I hated my body.  This was no fluke.  My body was broken, evil even.
And I missed her.  God  I missed her so much. I still do.  Two years later I miss her. I have a beautiful, awesome, healthy baby that my body did grow, nurture, and birth safely.  This is my first loss anniversary since giving birth to sweet Willow.  But I realize it doesn't mean I don't miss my Wren any less.  She has been a part of me for 2.5 years now and 2 of those years I have been missing her.
So today I remember Wren. Though life has continued,  she was and always will be a important part of my life.   Because of her I went through a high risk OB workup and identified some issues that were treated during my next pregnancy.  Because of her I did not take one day for granted while pregnant with Willow.    Because of her I notice wrens everywhere and I love it every single time.   Because of her I am confident we are finished having children, I feel like we tempted fate to have Willow and I can't do it again.  Because of her my heart is sad today.   

1 comment:

  1. Hi Erin! My name is Heather and I wanted to know if you would be willing to answer my question I have about your blog! If you could email me at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com I would greatly appreciate it!