Vacuum injury. That is what it is called in the medical world apparently. Funny how we have been dealing with this crap for 2.5 years and that is the first time I have heard that term. But according to an OB that recently reviewed Fisher's records - his injuries are textbook vacuum injury. He said that the vacuum injury was of course caused by the brow presentation but that even pitocin induced contractions couldn't have caused the amount of damage on Fisher's face. He said there is no way for a vacuum to cause such an injury except in a malpresentation situation.
I know it doesn't change things. But having the cause of Fisher's problems laid out so simply, so succinctly is hard. It would have been so easy to say "No, no vacuum. Stop." I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't have the information and my head knows that I can't blame myself. But sometimes my heart doesn't listen. On the other side of the coin - in some ways "vacuum injury" is a little easier to stomach. In my head I had always imagined Fisher's injuries developing over 22 hours of labor. Thinking that the majority of the injuries happened over a shorter span is a little better to me.
This has been and continues to be such a long process. In so many ways it would be easier to stop thinking about it, act like it didn't happen, and move on. I know that many people could do that and a lot of times I wish I could. But I just can't ignore whatever it is inside me that keeps pushing me forward. I ignored my intuition while I was in labor with Fisher and if there is one thing I have learned in this whole ordeal is that I will never make that mistake again.