Not again.

I honestly can't believe I am writing this.  We lost the baby.  It feels like the cruelest form of deja vu.  There are a lot of similarities between the our first loss we had in September.  In September shortly after I announced I was pregnant to my work, on facebook, and on this blog I miscarried.  And again that has happened.  I finally felt ready to share our joy and excitement with the world and now we have to share our grief.  This is so hard.  Last time I think what got me through was thinking that it was a fluke, that is was "one of those things" and that we would have a healthy pregnancy next time.  This time I am overcome with the realization that it isn't a fluke something is wrong and that is extremely hard to handle.  Earlier in my pregnancy I was scared to death that something would go wrong.  I was so anxious and nervous but when I got past 11 weeks I slowly started getting excited and I really started feeling comfortable with this pregnancy and really thought things were going to go great.   

I had a routine 16 week appointment on Friday.  For the first time this pregnancy I wasn't anxious about the appointment and my blood pressure was perfect (anxiety had been increasing it every other appointment).  When the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler I wasn't even that freaked out, they took me to ultrasound and we immediately saw a precious little face.  I said "wow, he has grown a lot since my last ultrasound" and the room was quiet.  It was pretty obvious quickly that the baby was not moving.  The nurse tried to find a heartbeat or look for movement and then the midwife did too.  Then the Dr. B came in.  I knew it was over but I kept hoping that the baby would start moving and then for everyone to laugh.  Obviously that didn't happen.  Our baby had died very recently.  In cruel hindsight I think it probably happened one or two days before the appointment because I had been feeling flutters and I hadn't for a couple of days.  I wasn't worried because I knew that the baby can move positions and make feeling him or her early on inconsistent.  I have also lost some hair the last couple of weeks - which did make me a little nervous because I noticed I lost hair before I miscarried in September.  But again, I chalked it up to this being a "different" pregnancy. 

After learning the baby died the next thing was to learn the options and try to make the best decision for us.  This is something that I have heard other women refer to and it was as awful of a decision as I had imagined.  With our last miscarriage we didn't get to "chose" what to do as I miscarried naturally and horrifically at home and then the bleeding didn't stop so I had to have an emergency D&C to stop the bleeding.  The doctor said that since I had so much bleeding last time that I had to be at the hospital and therefore miscarrying at home would not be a safe option.  After my experience last time this was a relief to me.  If I had the option of going through the miscarriage at home, I probably would have naturally leaned that way but I would also be petrified of losing blood as quickly as I did last time.  So the options presented to me were to have a D&C on Saturday or to check into the hospital on Saturday and have labor induced.  Again - I naturally leaned toward having labor induced for several reasons but actually giving birth to the baby is a little more comforting to me personally and I would have the opportunity to hold the baby and see if it was a boy or a girl.  But the downsides to that is that it could take a long time and I don't think my husband or I could deal with being at a hospital waiting to deliver our dead child for long.  We both have so much anxiety and sadness over Fisher's birth and then the last miscarriage that I was afraid it would be too much for us to handle. The other downside was that there would be a chance that that I would go through all that and still need a D&C due to bleeding.   If I knew that wouldn't be the case, I probably would have gone through induction but since what happened last time I had a higher chance of needing the D&C anyway. 

I made the initial decision to go with the D&C and Shawn called and set it up for early Saturday morning.  Shawn was also leaning towards the D&C because he was traumatized by the last miscarriage.  I can't say I blame him, but he told me over and over that ultimately it was my choice.  The doctor wanted to do what we decided as soon as possible before I started miscarrying naturally and would have the risk of uncontrolled bleeding again.  After taking a nap I started second guessing my decision.  We were going to find out on Tuesday if we were having a boy or a girl and I really want to know, I want to give our baby a name.  I called and talked to the midwife that would have delivered our baby via VBAC.  I explained to her my reservations and she talked me through both options and told me that since Dr. B was ordering chromosome tests on the baby we would find out if it was a boy or a girl from that.  I also explained my fear of being induced and it taking a long time or ending up with the D&C anyway.  She said she understood and talked me through the different possibilities of that happening.  After talking to her I felt better about going with the original decision to do the D&C.  I also talked to my would-be doula and friend who has been through a similar situation at 18 weeks.  And having her support and understanding helped me be at peace with my decision. 

Saturday morning Shawn and I went to the hospital while my mom watched Fisher at our house.  I talked to Dr. B before the surgery and told him that I really wanted to know if the baby was a boy or a girl and he said he understood and would do his best to submit samples for chromosomal studies.   I ended up having a D&E instead of the D&C.  Basically it is a more aggressive procedure they had to do because the baby was too big for the D&C.  I lost quite a bit of blood in the OR (but not as much as last time thank God!) and woke up from surgery feeling horrible.  They admitted me to the Women's hospital and put me on pitocin because they wanted to make sure all of the uterus contents were out and to make sure my bleeding stayed under control.  I was actually glad they admitted me because I don't think I would have been comfortable going home.   While I was on pitocin I had some pretty bad cramping and passed some large clots.  I realized that I definitely made the right decision for me emotionally by doing the surgical procedure as opposed to the induction.  I can only imagine the emotional trauma that would come with hours of that.  After being on pitocin for several hours and being stable, they said that I could go home if I felt comfortable.  By this point I was ready to get in my own house and relax and to see Fisher.  So I jumped on the opportunity. 

Unfortunately just getting home made me feel really bad and weak.  I have been laying in bed most of the evening but have had a little Fisher time here and there.  But so far physically this has been harder than last time.   I am still in shock that this happened.  If the chromosomal studies do not show a problem then we will look at different issues.  It is horrific that you have to go through this at least twice before investigating problems.  I have heard many doctors say they won't look into the problem causing miscarriages until after three miscarriages.  Dr. B. said that since I have had two late miscarriages on babies that appeared completely healthy by ultrasound that it makes sense to investigate further.  I agree. 

I am heartbroken and pretty angry at the world right now.  I love being a mom so much and I have always imagined having at least two children.  I wanted them close in age.  That won't happen now most likely even if we do decide to try again I think it will be a long time.  I am angry that I allowed myself to get excited about this pregnancy.  I am angry that I already felt bonded with the baby and that I had convinced myself that this was going to be a healthy pregnancy.  I hate that I told work and have to go through that uncomfortable situation again. It was so hard on me last time and I can't believe I have to relive that.   I hate that I JUST got passed the due date of the last baby and was past all of those thoughts of how far along I would have been and now I have to go through all that again.  It just seems cruel and unfair.  I am usually such a positive person but I don't want to be that person right now.  I know that life will have to get back to normal and that I will have to carry on but not tonight.

What I learned from my freak out

I made it through my first OB/GYN appointment since having Fisher. I was really worried about it and didn't know how I would react to going.

While I was in the waiting room I felt my anxiety building. I wanted to walk out, but I kept trying to distract myself. And then my name was called. I followed the nurse back to get weighed and as I stepped on the scale, I lost it. I started crying and shaking. It was pretty bad. I tried to tell her that I had anxiety about seeing a OB for the first time since a traumatic birth experience, but I am not sure how much of that she could make out. I was utterly embarrassed at the same time. I kept apologizing. She was very nice and told me not to appologize. And then she gave me the robe to change into.....

If nothing else, I learned the key to getting seen FAST by a doctor. Have a freak out. I barely had a chance to get undressed before the doctor came in. I start crying again. Of course, he had no idea why I was crying - as this is the first time I have seen him. He sat down and asked me if it was the yearly exam that was causing me anxiety. I said no and tried to explain that it was the traumatic experience with my son's birth and I told him that I knew I would be nervous about getting seen by an OB/GYN but I had no idea I would have the reaction I did. And, my goodnes, the doctor could not have handled the situation better. He started asking me about my job, I knew he was trying to get me talking about something I was more comfortable about - but it worked! I slowly started calming down and then we got back to talking about Fisher's birth.

I told him an abreviated story of Fisher's birth and explained the medical records "mistake." and then I told him that because of this I don't trust OBs. Hey, I laid all my cards out on the table. After crying hysterically in front of a complete stranger, there is really nothing to lose.

Again, he handled this all great, didn't seem offended that I just told him I don't trust him and his peers. He explained to me that he has had two brow presentations in his career (and he is in his late 50s) and that the last one he didn't pick up on until he had checked her a couple of times. But he did figure it out...so two points for that. And then he told me that if I were to get pregnant again, I would have the option of having a scheduled c-section or a VBAC and asked me if I had strong feelings either way. LOL. If you know me at all, you know I have a tiny bit of strong feelings in preferance for the VBAC and I told him this. He said that I was an excellent VBAC candidate, he didn't see any reason why I couldn't VBAC. He said that I could wear a mobile monitor and cruise up and down the hospital halls as much as I want. (Wait, I thought it was certain death if you got out of bed while in labor???)

The only thing that was concerning to me was that he told that he doesn't support VBACs for women with a baby measuring above 9 lb 14 oz in utero. Fisher was 9 lbs, 3 oz and was not fat at all. He was long and skinny. Shawn and I are very tall, big structured people. I am 6 foot and Shawn is 6'6. So I think there is a very good chance that a baby of ours would measure bigger than 9 lb 14 oz. And we all know the problems with ultrasounds not measuring correctly. So I guess I will cross that bridge in the future if I need to.

But overall, I am happy with the appointment. The doctor spend almost 45 minutes with me, which was more than my last OB spent with me my entire pregnancy! He was calm, listened, reassuring, and honest with me. I appreciate that. Many of the fears I had about seeing a new ob were eased. I was worried that he wouldn't believe me since my medical records don't match what happened. I was worried that since I know I have inaccurate medical records I wouldn't be allowed to VBAC, I was worried that I would have to stay in bed while laboring. All of those things I am not worried about anymore. I hate that I had to have a panic attack and freak out to get those answers and things resolved. But I am going in the right direction.

Regaining trust

I have an appointment with an OB/GYN today in my new town. I called yesterday morning to set up an appointment and was told that they just had a cancellation. So I took it. And man, the anxiety has kicked in. I find it hard to believe myself that I have so much emotional issues involved in just going for a routine yearly appointment. Obviously my body, my mind, my soul know that it is more than that.

I don't worry so much about what happened with Fisher happening again, because it won't, I won't let it. I worry about what I might have to go through to make sure things don't go that way. I felt like being amiable and going with the flow was the right thing to do with Fisher. I felt like at the time,I was "suppossed" to ignore my instincts and what my body was telling me to do and do what the hospital told me I had to do. To go along what was hospital "policy". I thought by going with the flow, controlling what I could, things would be easier on me and Fisher because I wouldn't be fighting with hospital staff. Boy was I wrong. And I deal with the reminders of that every day. I am obviously still not "over it" and I don't know when or if I will be. I don't think I will be until Fisher has no more pending surgeries.

I don't talk much or often about all the anxiety, angers, fears, and regret. I might mention it, throw a comment out, bitch about the doctor, or the hospital, but I usually happy it up, gloss over it, pretend that I am ok. But I know I am not ok. I know from counseling that I avoid digging too deep into what I really think and feel about what happened. And here it is - in my face. The anxiety, the rushing thoughts, the fears, the lack of trust, the guilt. And I am worried about seeing a new doctor, because I am either going to 1) act like it is no big deal, pretend that I am ok, when I am obviously not or 2)put my true fears, anxieties, regrets, and hopes for the future out on the table and have the chance of it being minimilized, trivialized, or even not believed (thanks to the falsified medical records).


I pray that things go great. I click with the doctor, I am able to get answers to some questions I have, I get a good report, and I hope that the new doctor doesn't trivialize what happened, because I think one of the hardest things I have had coping with is the fact that the medical records do not show what happened. That what has been such a big deal to me and Fisher doesn't even appear on the records. I think my emotional state would be so different right now if the original doctor offered an apology, an explanation, and some compassion and acknowledgement of what Fisher and I have went through and are still going through.


So today is a big step for me. And hopefully it will be one that offers some healing and maybe I can start regaining trust in the medical community.