A relaxing Christmas

It was fun experiencing Christmas with Fisher this year.  He didn't quite understand Santa but he sure understood waking up and having a tree full of presents!  Santa had set up a train table and a wooden train set and Fisher went to town.  We spent the entire day in our pjs - relaxing and playing together.  It was definitely a fun, relaxing day.

I have been thinking off and on about our little baby we lost.  I would be finishing up my 2nd trimester and prior to losing the baby I  was really looking forward to being pregnant at Christmas.  My mom and I had often joked that I missed out getting a pregnant Christmas ornament when I was pregnant with Fisher because I found out I was pregnant right after the first of the year.  I have wished often when looking at our Christmas tree that I had a pregnant Christmas ornament this year.  

Overall, we had a good, relaxing Christmas.  Shawn and I decided not to give each other gifts this year so it was all about watching Fisher enjoy his gifts which is good enough for me. 

The Gray Area

 For the past two years I have tried to reconcile my thoughts and feelings over Fisher's much needed c-section with my desire for a natural birth.  It is not unusual for women to have a c-section and then regret it.  Or to do research and question if a c-section was ever needed in the first place.  I don't fall into that camp.  I wish I would have had a c-section earlier on.  Go ahead and gasp if you are a natural birth advocate, but please read on....

Prior to having my son I did a ton of research on "unnecesareans" and I really felt like if I could go into labor naturally that I would have a vaginal birth.  I was super excited for labor and was ready to let my amazing body do what it was meant to do. I knew prior to having my son that coming into the world naturally would be the best start for him and for me as his new mother.  I knew that from all the research I had done but I also knew it inside.   It just seemed right to me.  I also knew that in the area I lived in this was very,very unusual.  But I wasn't worried because I had a plan.  My plan was to go into labor naturally and go to the hospital and put up with some BS but by avoiding the induction I would ensure myself at least a vaginal delivery. 

Things didn't end up that way though I did go into labor naturally.  I had been in prodromal labor for a couple of days and when my water broke I went to the hospital like my doctor instructed.  I was happy and felt so excited because I felt like I had won the battle.  I went into labor naturally and thus I was going to avoid major abdominal surgery (inductions increase your c-section chances by 50%)!  I was going to have skin to skin contact immediately after my son was born, get to hold him, look into his eyes, and introduce myself to him.  I was going to breastfeed him and cover him with kisses.  And oh yeah - I was also going to have an easy recovery and get back on my feet quickly because that is what I do. 

Things didn't end up that way either.  I get to the hospital with my water broken and in labor and the nurses pretty much freaked out.   The on call doc came in and introduced himself to me and I didn't see him again for about 18 hours and after I had been pushing for over an hour.  During that 18 hour time period where I didn't see him in person - he was ordering all sorts of things to "fix" my labor.  Pitocin, more pitocin, and more pitocin.  At first I declined because I knew that labors can stall out - but after a little longer I agreed to some pitocin. I thought it would be just enough to send me over the edge and let me push that baby out and move on to the next stage!  Ah, but the pitocin wasn't working and Fisher's heartbeat was decelerating.  So the pitocin was stopped for a while and tried again - he seemed to tolerate it better though I still was not dilating.  So more and more pitocin was ordered.  I was very uncomfortable with it, but I was afraid to say anything, because I am not medically trained.  Just some crunchy wildlife biologist who thinks that she is a mammal or something.  During this time I was never examined by the doctor.  He somehow knew what was going on in my stomach from afar.  After all, it was Sunday. 

So after hours and hours of pitocin hell I finally get to 10 cm and I get to start pushing. It was elated!   I freaking did it - I put up with all the pitocin and not moving but I was going to push my son out and hold him and that would make it all worth it.  Just give me my baby!

Only it didn't happen that way.  I pushed and pushed and pushed.  I worked harder than I knew I could.   The doctor came in after a while and I pushed and pushed some more.  He said he needed to use a vacuum.  I was just ready to be done.  The vacuum seemed to go on forever.  I knew that pushing a baby out could be hard work and take some time, but I started to get the feeling that something wasn't right.  And then the doctor said he thought something was wrong and I needed a c-section.  At this point I KNEW I needed a c-section.  It didn't make sense to me, I had no idea why in the world Fisher wasn't coming out, I knew it wasn't for lack of trying, but I knew that something wasn't right. So I went to the OR completely exhausted but not deflated.  I had done everything I could do and I knew it.  I was going to finally meet my son.

And then my son was born.  He was born beaten up, bruised, swollen, and was whisked away to the NICU.  The OB explained that he had been brow presentation which is why he wouldn't come down the birth canal - it was geometrically impossible.  And that geometric anomaly caused lots of problems.  Fisher had major facial trauma from his face being crushed against my pelvis with every contraction. See, I wasn't dilating for a reason.  I wasn't dilating because my son wasn't positioned properly to make a decent down the birth canal.   My body IS pretty awesome. It didn't fail me at all.  It knew that Fisher couldn't come out the way he was positioned so it didn't dilate past 5 or 6 cm.  But what my body and Fisher wasn't prepared for was the onslaught of fake contractions.  Pitocin induced contractions that after hours and hours, finally pushed his forehead down hard enough to dilate my cervix to 10 while crushing his face.    And the vacuum - the vacuum continued the assault on my son's head.  Pitocin and vacuums are contraindicated for brow presentation babies because it can cause these injuries. And they can also break a baby's back. Thank God that didn't happen. 

So basically, I am in this weird gray area. I am a very natural birth friendly mama that wishes I wouldn't
have even attempted to vaginally deliver my son.  He would have been so much better off. My son needed to be born via c-section as soon as I came into the hospital with my water broken.   Brow presentations can convert to full face or to vertex but if they don't convert they can't be delivered vaginally 99.9% of the time (a lot of medical literature say 100% of the time, but I have found one or two stories in which a brow presentation was delivered vaginally.  Regardless, it is pretty much impossible).   Because of this most OBs recommend a c-section immediately upon diagnosing a brow presentation.   However, that didn't happen because the OB didn't realize my son was malpositioned. 

So where does that leave me?  It leaves me at a place where I feel like the system failed me.  Many women have a realization after a c-section that the system failed them and they maybe could have avoided the c-section.  I am on the other end of the spectrum.  The last thing I wanted was a c-section, but under the circumstances that was the one thing I needed more than anything else.  Does that make me pro c-section now?  Kind of - I am very pro c-section in certain circumstances.  But what I learned from my son's experience is that what was was lacking was the one-on-one care, concern, and attention by a skilled provider.  See, I had convinced myself that I didn't need a provider that really took time to know me and one that I trusted because I was the one having the baby.  The OB was just there to "catch" it.  Most of the time I think women's bodies are amazing and will do exactly what they need to do to birth a baby.  But there is always those exceptions and THAT is why we pay people to be there for us.  To notice signs that something might not be right.  Not to search for problems that don't exist or to start throwing interventions and drugs at women to have them labor according to a schedule. 

The bottom line is I really don't want any other women to experience what I did.  I don't want any babies to be hurt like my son was.  What I want is for women to allow their bodies to do what they were made to do but when an intervention is needed I want it to be noticed and explained.  I want women to be able to trust their caregivers and know that they are being given information about what is best for them and their baby.   There is obviously a time and place for c-sections.   But there is no time or place to assume that all laboring mothers fit a mold and can be "managed" a certain way.    Nine times out of ten it might work, but for that tenth mother and baby it can be life changing.

Serendipity at Blue Hole Springs

I had a really cool experience this week at work and no it didn't involve bears, raccoons, or any other furry creature.  It involved my nana and granddaddy - who unfortunately are not living anymore. 
I have this childhood memory with my nana and grandaddy from when I was probably 5 or so.  They took me to a park and we went on a tour with the naturalist.  This is what I remember from my 5 year old memory.....

Nana and Grandaddy took me to a park and it was just me and not my sisters.   At this park we took a tour with the ranger and the ranger talked about the Trail of Tears and I remember being sad because she told about how horrific that was for the Indians.  And then I remember going to this Blue Hole and what I remember is the Blue Hole was a bottomless hole of water that the Cherokee Indians drank water and where many children drowned because it was a "bottomless" hole.   I remember it just being a kind of creepy, scary, but really cool place - because to me this was almost a haunted hole - where kids die.  (In hindsight I have no idea if the ranger actually said anything about kids dieing or if my grandparents just told me to stay close so I wouldn't fall in and drown).  Even at a young age I was a good swimmer, as I had taken lessons starting very young.  I couldn't understand why people would drown even in a bottomless pit - because it isn't like you need a bottom to swim.  I thought maybe there was something weird about the blue hole that sucked people in. 

For some reason this memory has stuck with me all these years and I have always wondered about that hole.  I obviously no longer believed that I had seen a bottomless hole that sucked unexpecting children in -but I have always wondered where we were and has always been one of those places I wanted to see again.  I am not sure why but I never asked my Nana about about that trip to the blue hole - probably because I knew my memory was from a young child's perspective and I didn't know if was anywhere close to reality.

This week at work I went to check out Red Clay State Park which is south of Cleveland, TN about the possibility of trapping raccoons.  I went in and talked to the ranger and she showed me a map of the park.  I quickly saw a landmark called "Blue Hole Springs" and I asked the ranger about it.  She explained that it is a natural spring and the hole was 14 feet deep and created the blue color.  I was so excited and knew that this was the place from my memories.   I didn't tell her that I remembered it being a bottomless pit that sucked children but I did ask her where the Blue Hole was so I could go see it for myself.

I walked down to the Blue Hole and sure enough - that is the one from my memory.  Well, probably a lot smaller and less menacing - but definitely the one I remember.  I think it is funny that my "bottomless child sucking hole" is a 14 foot natural spring.   Regardless, I was so glad to have happened upon this memory!   It made me miss my grandparents and then feel comfoted by them at the same time.

Expectations

It has been one heck of a week - which I expected.  I am way more exhausted and physically drained than I expected.  Emotinally sometimes I am doing better than I would have expected and sometimes, well sometimes I am just overcome by sadness - and I expected that. 

The support and kind words have been amazing.  I had been told by several people, including the medical staff at the hospital, to expect people to say things that hurt in their attempts to comfort (i.e. at least you lost the baby now instead of when you were attached to it,etc).  Honestly, I heard a few things that I don't "agree" with, but it didn't bother me.  I totally know it is awkard and uncomfortable for most people because they don't know what to say.  But most people I have talked to acknowledged our loss and offered their apologies.  And really - that is all you can do.  And that really means a lot. 

The hardest part for me the last several days and something that I foresee happening for a long time is the flood of emotions and pain from seemingly innocent or normal occurences.  For example, when I see a little boy that is about Fisher's age and they have a baby brother or a sister that sets off feelings of sadness.  I was really excited about Fisher and his sibling being 2.5 years apart and now that won't happen.   When I see pregnant women I am sad that I am not pregnant anymore.   When I hear someone mention something going next spring I am reminded that we will not have a newborn in the spring.   And on and on and on....so many reminders of what we were expeting, what we were so excited about, and what will not be.

I go back to the doctor tomorrow with little expectations.  I see there is no good side of seeing the doctor.  He is either going to say "It is one of those unexplained things" or "I think X,Y, and Z might be going on which caused the miscarriage."  I am not sure which one is more comforting now, but it really doesn't matter.  No expectations - but we will cross whatever bridge we are taken to.

My heart hurts

I literally keep thinking "My Heart Hurts" over and over and over in my head.  It really does.  I think in the whole scheme of things we are doing ok.  I have many moments when I feel ok; when I feel normal.   Doing the normal, mundane things seem to help a lot - giving Fisher a bath, reading him books, all the things I do every day - it is a nice reminder that things are going on and I am ok.  Shawn and I laugh and that feels good.  We actually laugh about some of the things that happened Friday and though I feel demented about laughing about it, it also feels good. That is what Shawn and I do, we laugh.  So I have these moments that I feel ok and I am so glad I have those because it makes me realize that we are going to be ok.  We will carry on, I know we can't erase what happened, but I also know that we some really good reasons to keep moving forward. 
I ordered this bracelet last night.

 It says "I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)".  That just seems perfect.  I know that we will continue going on.  We will talk about this experience less and less and maybe the graphic images will fade over time.  But I also know that I will carry in my heart forever the little one that I missed out on.  Like I said - we didn't have him long, but we loved him completely. 

A heartbreaking loss

I can't believe that two days ago I joyfully "announced"  that I was pregnant.  I had told many close friends and family earlier on but on Monday I went ahead and told my work.  I wasn't planning on telling my work until next week when I would officially be in the 2nd trimester but my boss has to take several weeks off unexpectedly so I went ahead and told my boss and many coworkers last week.  After I told my work Shawn and I decided that we would go ahead and share our news.  We tried to take some pictures of Fisher in a big brother shirt and were going to post them on facebook, but Fisher wasn't up for a photo shoot so we decided to try again this weekend.  

On Thursday I posted a blog about being excited about expecting our new addition and within an hour after posting that I started showing signs of miscarriage.  I was in Nashville to give a presentation for work and it was a very good thing that I can talk about rabies in my sleep because I got through it without thinking about what I was saying at all.

After my presentation I called my doctor and they said to come in the next morning for "reassurance."  However, during the night I started cramping and I knew in my heart the pregnancy was over.  It was a long night.  In the morning as Shawn and I were getting ready to to the doctor I started hemorrhaging like crazy.  I couldn't believe how much I was bleeding.  I wasn't sure if I should go to the ER or go to the doctor, but made the decision to go on to the doctor as planned.

At the doctor I explained that things had gotten much worse and they took me on back.  They wanted to do an ultrasound and said that they have seen people come in with substantial bleeding and have healthy babies.  But I knew there was no way that I had a healthy baby anymore.  When they did the ultrasound they realized how much blood I was losing.  At that point they transferred me to the hospital so the surgeon could determine what needed to be done.   I was getting weak and remember thinking over and over that I had already lost this baby and that was awful, but I didn't want Fisher to lose his mother. 

My OB was out of town so I had the OB that was taking his call and I had never met before.  Thank God, he turned out to be an awesome doctor and I can't imagine the situation being handled better than he did.  He examined me and then said that he needed to operate immediately.  The whirlwind started and I had people trying to get an IV in on both of my arms at the same time.  I was so dehydrated and had lost so much blood that they had a really awful time of getting an IV in.  At this point I guess I looked pretty rough, the OB came and got my hand and told me to focus on him and talked to me about Fisher.  I think he was trying to keep me from passing out. It worked and I will forever remember him holding my hand and the trust I felt in him.  Which is actually amazing, if you know anything about me you know that I don't have much trust at all in OBs. 

I had the D&C and immediately upon waking up in recovery I was taken aback by how much better I felt.  I felt better coming off of the anesthesia than I had felt prior to the surgery.  I lost 3 units of blood during the D&C on top of what I lost prior to so I still felt (and feel) very weak.   Amazingly enough after recovering for several hours they did more blood work and all of my blood work looked good (the doctor himself couldn't believe it) and so they let me go on home with the understanding that I would take it very, very easy for the next week and let my body heal and repair itself. 

Yesterday was such a whirlwind I can't believe that so many actions and emotions can be packed into one day.  I am processing everything now and I am not sure how things are going to be "on the other side."  In some ways I see a lot of good in what happened yesterday - I am so thankful that I got the care I needed.  Things got scary, fast.  However, I knew I was in good hands and was actually proud of myself that I let myself trust in the doctors and nurses and knew that they were doing what was in my best interest.  And the information, the compassion, the professionalism, and the care I received could not have been more different from what I experienced at the hospital where Fisher was born. And for that I am truly grateful.  I shudder to think what would have happened if I went into the hospital where Fisher was born in the state I was in. 

Today I keep wondering what is wrong with my body that makes me have such horrific and gruesome experiences.  I really want to love and trust my body but right now I am not sure how to do that.  I know that miscarriages are far more common than most people realize and I know what I am feeling is not unique to me or my situation.   My heart hurts for our baby.  The baby that we loved so much since we found out about him in mid July.  We didn't have him long but we loved him completely. 

 Shawn called and talked to many different people yesterday when I didn't want to and I am appreciative of the love and support that people showed not only me but him.  He is really hurting too.  He again saw things that no one should see and for the second time he saw his wife being rushed away to surgery not really sure what was going on.   That was something I was hoping would never happen again.
Thanks for the thoughts, prayers, kind words, and the acknowledgement of our loss.  I know we will get through this and grow from this experience because I have seen so many of you go through heartbreaking situations and move on with the scars on your heart.

And baby makes FOUR!

It has been a while but the last few days I have had the urge to get on here and write.  There is a lot going on right now and as usual writing is cathartic to me so here I go.

The awesome news.  We are expecting again!  I found out super early (like 3.5 weeks) in mid July.  I was really surprised when I saw that positive show up and I didn't even tell Shawn.  I went to the store and bought another test!  :)  I got home it was definitely positive - so I wrote on the test "I am going to be a big brother" and told Fisher to take it to Shawn.  Fisher complied and Shawn was shocked!  His first words were "Really?  AWESOME!"  We had hoped to have our children relatively close in age so both of us were excited. 

According to my cycle dates - my due date should be April 6th.  I will be 11 weeks tomorrow and so far so good with this pregnancy.  The worst part by far was an 11 day trapping study that I did the first of August.  I was so tired and felt pretty nauseous quite a bit.  And of course no one knew that I was pregnant yet.  So it was a trying 11 days and much worse than the trapping I did in my 2nd and 3rd trimesters last pregnancy.  The summer heat and morning sickness proved to be a bad combination.  But I did it.  It is done and I was very relieved when it was over. 

After the trapping study I went to Lexington for the birth of my 2nd neice - Delaney.  She was a planned c-section and the first time I had ever been to a hospital for a birth other than Fisher's.  We stood at the nursery window waiting for Delaney to appear and there was a baby in the nursery that had just been born. Seeing that baby laying there in this little bassinet completely alone immediatly after being born triggered something in me.  I wanted to take that baby to her mama.  I worried that the mom was missing out on holding her baby those first few minutes.  I started crying and shaking and felt sick.  From this experience I realized that the most far reaching lasting issue I have from Fisher's birth was the seperation after he was born.  When I think of those hours I spent in recovery alone, holding the picture the NICU nurse brought me; the void in my arms feels so fresh.   My biggest hope for this labor and delivery is to be able to hold my precious baby in my arms immediately following his or her birth.   I want to experience a newborn.  I want to see what he or she looks like, feels like, smells like as they begin their introduction into the world.  For me - that is success. That is healing.  That is perfection.